I guess I needed to just write down what’s eating me up, because in my head, writing it would make me feel a bit more light hearted...
I’m on my third semester in college and I’ll major in design soon, I only have three semesters left, if everything goes according to the plan, but I’m very unsatisfied with my course, with what I’ve been doing. I’ve got to a point where my course makes me sick, anxious, like just getting up and going to classes every morning is a struggle... It feels like high school all over again.
But I’m so sure that I won’t quit, I can not quit the course. I’m doing this for my parents more than for myself. It hurts me to be this unhappy with the course, after nearly begging for my parents to enter, knowing that we would struggle to pay it. For the money that was already spent, for my parents, I won’t quit my course and will get my degree.
But then one day, I was talking with my mom about how soon the course will be over, since I only have three semesters left and she told me to not stop there, that I should study other things and not stop with only that degree. I knew that one degree wouldn’t mean anything for the industry, I know that I have to do something else, specialize more in order to grow as a professional and that got me thinking about what I want to do in life, where my career lies...
I know that I want to be able to make a living off of my art, my stories, bring life to my worlds, my characters and work as a concept artist. For now, I feel like I don’t think I can do it yet, but I also feel like this design course has been holding me back, making me feel like I have no time to learn all that I need to learn in order to grow, because as a self taught, I don’t know half of the things I should... I have no fundamentals, I didn’t learn fundamentals and that makes me feel incomplete.
So I’ve decided that after this course is over, I will go after the fundamentals, I will apply to art school, I will learn all there is for me to help me grow. There are so many buts in this and here’s another one, because I fear of what my parents will think of me. I fear they will think their money was wasted, which is not the case, because I’ve learned a lot already, it’s just not something I want to work with... It scares me that they’ll be disappointed at me if I persue concept art, character design, storyboarding, animation... But I also feel like they wouldn’t? This confusion makes me anxious, would they be proud of me to persue my career? Or would they be more proud of me if I persue the career my design major allowed me to persue? Sitting in an office, working till late at night close to a slave?
Still, even if part of me says that they will be disappointed at me, like they’ve always been because I was the worst with academics, part of me comforts me saying they will be accepting, because they know their child, they know that their child is an artist, they know that their child has potential and that working in a studio, bringing life to worlds and characters is what they were born to do. I feel like they know that’s my passion, that it is my dream job... but I also feel like they know, but wish it wasn’t like that.
It always comes down to my parents and what they’ll think of me, how they will see me. Would they be proud? Would they support me? Or would they be like “I told you so” when I become a starving artist?
