I hate life. And you're right I'm so fucked up not a person one is ever gonna give a fuck about me. I do try. But my efforts ain't enough it is what it is. Lost cause baby. Sorry I wasted your time thinking we could be fixed. Maybe you can. I think I was supposed to be at the bottom in this life. With a bright light sometimes. But it's not for me, that light. It's for others and their sense of purpose. In that I guess I have a purpose. Maybe I'm not meant to be loved. Maybe I don't understand but maybe I'm not supposed to. I'll quit tryna figure that one out. It gets me left behind. It gets me too far along. It never gets me where I'm supposed to belong. Chasing a fantasy, chasing things not even real for me yet. I'm too much and I get that and I'm sorry I'm no damm good. I told you you'd see me. Not just in a room , you'd see the ugly I want to beat the fuck out of everyday in me. The ugly I mistreat. The ugly that I don't want that's just inevitably part of me, which is me. Sorry that I couldn't amount up, I thought I had it I thought I had my hands gripped to never let go, but I didn't know holding on to rope that was soaked in gasoline, set on fire before I ever started to hold, would catch up to me.
I'm always left with scars on my hands from hoping suffocating what I grip on won't turn into ashes. Idk why I never figured out that maybe I'm stupid, try something different. Stop touching shit Savannah you're gonna fucking ruin it. Stop insisting that you know a way, or maybe let's try this cuz I think it'll be a successful way, and I am stupid, I kept on failing at the same attempts..
But I think it's because nobody sat down with me long enough to install other ways into my thinking. Nobody knew how to teach me because I'd make ppl lose their patience with my stupid, not understanding this why why that.
Curiosity killed the cat, but persistence because I couldn't let shit go always left my hands feeling too ugly to hold.
My heart is like my eyebrows but no matter what I pull from it it won't go. It's there, just with tiny holes, idek if it bleeds anymore . I just know that when I met you, you shined so bright you lit up the pits that never thought they'd see light and beautiful rays shone through my cracks, my tiny holes, like the sun beating on the cathedral mosaic's. Shining beautiful things into my darker interior, creating beats I'd never known to exist in there.. creating life to something in me that seemed so dead..
I apologize that my emotional state is as deep. I'm sorry that it also created too deep in other aspects that were toxic.
I'm sorry for loving as much because it drowns you. I didn't see I was really holding you down like that.. I guess I was drowning too, not paying attention.. but it's still no excuse I didn't have to pull you under water too, I didn't have to take my pain and try to make you see where I was by shoving so much in your lungs when I always noticed you were hardly breathing.. holding your breath.. needing something to get the weight of me off your chest and I didn't pay attention.
So I guess I'm saying hypothetically when I think I lose everything I love, I may, but I don't let things that I love breathe.. and I should have understood a long time ago that just because my pain and the way I endured shit made me feel like being suffocated was normal .. didn't mean I should scar anyone else the same way, with things unfamiliar or uncomfortable.
I'm sorry for spending more time being afraid to lose you than just loving you for being here.. I just needed you so bad I knew if I let go, you'd run. Run so fast, you'd forget what my ugly hands felt like.. and I knew if that happened you'd never come back .. but I could have been wrong .. maybe youda came, held my scarred up heart and hands anyway.. but I was too afraid of the alternative.. people who brought me darker things than what was already inside of me left me without any sense of explaining, so I thought that if the brightest thing that ever volunteered to crawl inside of me seen all this dark and all this pain.. why would you dare stay? So I suffocated you.. and I lost. And that's only my fault. And for not considering you in so many aspects I am truly sorry. I'm just damaged as fuck, no excuse.. I'm sorry that I chose you to get this close to.. you deserve more stable, more able. You deserve great things . I love you DJ
Something I wrote to my best friend, who's been my person for years and is brighter than any color yellow could try to be..
