Aziraphale & Crowley - my headcanon explained
(Note: this post was written after S1 and before S2 was announced, when I believed original six episodes was all there’s ever going to be and it’s a complete story.)
I've noticed that a quite common take on ineffable couple's love story is that Crowley fell head over heels almost instantly and was honest and open about it ever since, while Aziraphale needed the whole millennia to realize and accept his feelings, taking turns being oblivious to a fault and heavily in denial. I understand the romantic appeal of such interpretation. A guy just patiently courting his loved one, never trying to force or rush things, getting hurt time after time and yet always coming back and never failing to appear when needed is something that pulls at just the right strings of our hearts. And a deeply closeted person given all the time in the world - literally - to work things out for himself, having all his fits of anxiety met with understanding and constantly showered with affection is a truly moving image too and something I generally want more of.
But in case of Good Omens, it doesn't sit well with me for one simple reason – I've always read Aziraphale and Crowley as evenly matched and, well, essentially equal. I just can't see one of them as being so much more emotionally mature than the other and ready for a proper relationship several thousand years earlier, basically just waiting for his partner to finally catch up to him. I believe both of them had an equally long way to go, and though they started from completely different places, their journeys were somewhat parallel - they both grew, reevaluated things, and shifted their perspectives until they've reached a point where they could truly accept each other and their feelings. Which was around the same time for both – near the story's climax.
The way I see it, to get a happy ending both Aziraphale and Crowley needed to understand and fully embrace two things: (1) that they loved each other and (2) that they belonged together. Each of them was predisposed to realize one of those things relatively early but couldn't quite grasp the other. That's the reason why they seem so in sync and out of sync at the same time, why they were so close to being a perfect couple all this time but were never on the exact same page – each of them held half of the solution to all their problems but both failed to see the whole picture. And the fact that those halves are so similar at first glance – don't (1) and (2) sound like essentially the same thing, just phrased differently? – was part of their problem. It just made it so much harder to notice each was missing something very important.
Crowley was quick to realize (2) – that he and Aziraphale belonged together – because he didn't belong anywhere else. He had personally experienced being part of both Heaven and Hell and didn't really fit in either of them. When he met Aziraphale he saw that they were similar and with time he had noticed that among many things they had in common was a common interest. Which naturally lead him to the conclusion that they should cooperate and thus the concept of „their side” formed in his mind. For quite a while he was balancing it with his formal allegiance to Hell, but when the time came he was ready to reject Hell openly. The moment Armageddon was set in motion, there was no doubt in Crowley's heart that „their side” is the only side he's truly loyal to and the only side he's ready to fight for.
He was able to go that far because of his innate tendency to question things. It was the reason he fell but it was also the reason he was able to find a path to true happiness later. But there was one thing Crowley had failed to question properly – his own demonic nature. Even though he understood that Heaven and Hell weren't actually representing Good and Evil, he had internalized the idea that some part of him was essentially bad. I suspect that the trauma of falling and becoming a demon was just too strong for him to be able to think about it rationally, to analyse it coldly, as he did all other things. Yes, he voiced his doubts about deserving his fate on several occasions, but his feelings on the matter were very complicated and contradictory. Deep down part of him honestly thought he's a bad person. Most of the time it didn't matter but occasionally that belief would manifest itself. Like every time Aziraphale called him nice.
That's why he had managed to overlook the whole emotional aspect of his relationship with his angel for over 6000 years. He loved him but he just couldn't see it, the same way he couldn't see his own kindness. He was quick to realize Aziraphale was his natural ally and even a kindred spirit but he was extremely slow in understanding how much he cared for him personally. All those times Crowley rushed to Aziraphale's rescue and all those romantic gestures he performed – from outsider's point of view it's obvious what they were. But I think for Crowley it was just a natural way of serving his precious chosen side. He needed Aziraphale on Earth so he made sure Aziraphale stayed on Earth (there was no guarantee he would be sent back after getting discorporated). He needed Aziraphale on board with their Arrangement, so he did all he could to keep him happy and was very careful not to push too far too fast. And because creating and maintaining that safe space for himself was what Crowley wanted and what gave him a sense of belonging he was missing for so long, he had never noticed there was much more to his actions and his feelings. The possibility of him loving somebody just never occurred to him.
Did you notice how Crowley responded in episode 2 when Aziraphale mentioned love? „You're being ridiculous. The last thing we need right now is [love]”. Sure, it was clear the angel was just talking about a piece of land being loved and they had other pressing matters on their hands but still, I think the way the demon just shrugs it off tells us something. Crowley is very emotive. Even though his face is covered by dark glasses most of the time, you can always tell what he's thinking and how he feels (I doubt I'll ever be able to praise Tennant enough for his performance). His reactions are particularly strong whenever Aziraphale is involved. But when Aziraphale says „love” it doesn't resonate with Crowley in any way. I swear I rewatched this scene scores of times searching for some sign of „oh crap, my crush just said LOVE!” or „shit, did my feelings just leak out!?” kind of reaction, but there's nothing there. Zero response of that sort, all I can see is the annoyance that Aziraphale is paying attention to some inconsequential crap instead of focusing on what's important. Love simply meant nothing to Crowley. It's a category his sharp mind never factored in.
Of course, it's the exact opposite with Aziraphale. He was highly attuned to love so as soon as he started developing feelings for Crowley, he understood what they were. And he wasn't bothered by them either. Micheal Sheen said in several interviews that Aziraphale, as an angel, is a creature of love so it's only natural for him to love Crowley too. We know that's not exactly how angels are in Good Omens but the description does fit Aziraphale. For him there was nothing unusual in the fact that he loved someone, even if that someone was a demon, and even if it was a special kind of love, different from what he felt for everything else. He still recognised it as love and saw nothing wrong with it. Even pursuing it – to some extent – was something Aziraphale was quite comfortable with. Did you notice that it was always the angel who asked the demon out to just spend time together with no other purpose than enjoying each other's company? Crowley would approach him more often but he was always very down-to-business. He came, he got to the point, and as soon as he accomplished what he had come to do, he left. But Aziraphale wanted to simply hang out and every now and then he took initiative to make it happen. Sometimes in a very roundabout way, but still.
He knew other angels would not understand or approve but it meant much less to him, then it might seem. Just think of that time when Gabriel called tea and sushi „gross matter”. It hurt Aziraphale and made him uncomfortable in many ways and he probably wished Gabriel hadn't caught him in this particular place in this particular situation, but it did not change the way he felt about tea and sushi. Deep down he knew good things are good, whether other angels understand them or not. He might be anxious about them finding out but he never felt guilty. I believe that his feelings for Crowley and pleasure of spending time in his company fell into the same category as all earthly delights – something he kept from others for practical reasons but could be honest about with himself.
But while loving Crowley and enjoying his presence were always perfectly fine in Aziraphale's book, cooperating with him was a different matter, and siding with him was completely out of the question. The angel already had his side – Heaven – and considering other options was literally unthinkable for him. His faith in God and God's ineffable plan was a deep one, and he believed that Heaven is God's own side that carries that plan out. He knew, or rather learnt with time, that angels weren't exactly perfect and he was allowing for the possibility of some misunderstandings in their ranks. But he was able to dismiss it in his unshaken conviction that ultimately they all served The Plan and were essentially Good. And for that reason, Aziraphale would always put Heaven first.
Crowley was only ever concerned about his superiors finding out that he was working with an angel. He didn't mind if he had caused Hell some loss in the process, as long as he could get away with it. But Aziraphale genuinely cared about protecting Heaven's interests. He needed to be sure that his actions at least didn't harm them. To accept The Arrangement he had to consider it for several centuries and see that the overall result would indeed be the same with or without it. To agree to help stop the Armageddon he had to be convinced it might actually be what Heaven wanted. He only cooperated with Crowley when it wasn't directly at odds with his angelic duties. Whenever he saw a conflict, his first instinct had always been to refuse and reject Crowley, even if sometimes it was breaking his own heart.
And there was another problem. Aziraphale didn't just believe that Heaven was always the greater good, no matter how good other things might have been. He also believed Heaven's propaganda that angels and demons are fundamentally different. That's the problem with angelic (or divine) love: it does not require equality or partnership of any sort. Aziraphale saw Crowley as kind and worthy of his love but not as an even match for him. He was completely blind to how similar they were because he never thought it possible for an angel and a demon to be that much the same. And that belief would manifest itself in the form of many hurtful words he kept throwing at Crowley. Because despite all his emotional intelligence Aziraphale assumed that Crowley's fall and demon status must be something natural for him, not a sensitive topic at all.
To put it in a teaspoon: Crowley understood very well he needed and wanted Aziraphale on his side. He didn't realize just how much he needed and wanted him by his side. Aziraphale understood he loved Crowley and craved his company. He didn't realize Crowley is and should be his equal partner, for better and for worse.
Of course, Aziraphale's issues are much more visible. You could even make a very good argument that the angel's shortcomings were objectively way more serious of an obstacle to their happy ever after. After all, even if Crowley didn't understand his own feelings, he was still acting on them. Aziraphale simply refused to cooperate. When it comes to the main plot, the Armageddon and saving the Earth, the ball was indeed entirely in angel's court. Everything depended on him accepting „their side” and fighting for it. But for their relationship, it also mattered that Crowley saw beyond that and recognised what they really were to each other.
In the end, he does. Each of them finds the missing second half of the answer and in the final scene at the Ritz, they both see the whole truth and see each other in a different light. They love each other and they belong together, and they drink to the world that made it happen and begin their happily ever after.
And I’m probably spoiled for love stories for all foreseeable future because I can’t see myself shipping a couple more than the ineffable couple...
