Loss & Safety & Taking Sides (Is it still Grief when you mask & swallow your tears?)
- A Bit of GO Philosophy with Real World Impacts -
[I began this ages ago, and was further inspired by this post and reblog that compelled me to get it neurosparkly, honest and finally out there.]
Is it still Grief even if you must swallow your tears?
Of course it is.
We know this. We feel it deeply.
It's human to compare. It's natural to feel drawn to take sides. It's understandable to make assumptions.
But that never guarantees that those feelings and assumptions are actually fact-based truths. We want them to be, because we don't mean to wrongly judge anyone. It gets complicated though...
When we get caught up in comparing Aziraphale and Crowley, in taking sides, Aziraphale inevitably loses. It seems too convincing, too obvious. Crowley grieves, we've seen it. Aziraphale doesn't. The fandom has spoken.
We saw Crowley weep once. When he lost Aziraphale in S1, he believed it was forever. His grief was heart-rending to witness, raw and exposed. There was an innocence in its openness. Heaven and hell were poised for battle, and the world was ending. There would never again be quiet time together in old bookshops drinking Châteauneuf-du-Pape, or laughing in fascinating little restaurants where they know you.
Crowley masks. Usually he hides his real emotions until finally it's only the anger that comes bursting out of him. But grief is powerful, and this time Crowley knew that no one was watching his movements anymore -- they were all too busy preparing to destroy each other. And if Someone was? Well, he just didn't care. He would only be risking himself this time. Aziraphale was already gone.
Grief can do that. Make you forget to care about your own well-being.
It gave Crowley a sort of freedom. Freedom to feel the heartbreak. To weep as long and as deeply as his heartbreak reached. That freedom carried forward, so tears weren't so far away when he needed them.
When the Metatron forced Aziraphale and Crowley apart in his deadly chess game, Aziraphale didn't cry. He came close -- his voice cracked as he begged Crowley, his eyes filled with tears as his best friend, his beloved, left. But Aziraphale didn't weep. Not a single tear escaped. He quickly blinked them back. Why?
In our hearts, our intuition, we know why. But when Crowley's grief is often so visible, so easy to empathize with, it can be very difficult to stop ourselves from taking sides.
Our own memories and heartaches rise in empathy -- it's both gift and curse.
Some feel angry, believing that Aziraphale abandoned his beloved to improve his own life with a promotion. Some wonder if he simply does not feel loss as deeply as Crowley. Is it somehow easier for him to let it go and walk away? Like how people have hurt us by walking away?
We've all seen these ideas proposed and argued. And in the trailer, we can finally see that these were not true. Look at Aziraphale's eyes. Bleak. Defeated. Filled with quiet despair and loss...
(Gratitude to @depraveddame for the brilliantly heartwrenching gif - my new favorite!)
The burdens we each carry can make it easier for us to believe negative assumptions, even when it means ignoring the proofs we've seen over and over of their devotion to each other. To forget that Aziraphale literally was willing to face eternal imprisonment in hell to save Crowley.
Why do we compare and measure and quantify their visible signs of grief, when the two situations -- Crowley's loss, and Aziraphale's leaving -- were so entirely different...?
Aziraphale wasn't safe to grieve. Crowley wouldn't be safe if he did. The Metatron was literally watching and listening, and about to return. Aziraphale stuffed down his emotions and put on his Mask. Just as he'd done since Before the Beginning, just as he'd been trained by heaven's cruelty to do... He'd used to do it to protect himself. For quite a long time now, he's been doing it to protect Crowley too.
He has to stuff it down. It's part of why he's leaving, after all. He will always, Always protect Crowley. Whatever it costs.
*****
Crowley and Aziraphale are so relatable and beloved because they connect with all of us. Their experiences and emotions are so very, very human. And almost all humans have hidden behind emotional masks at one time or another. Masks help us feel safe.
Some of us have hidden -- or still hide -- more than others, for many reasons. From trauma, from neurodivergence, from living in a dangerous space, from living without acceptance, from being trained to emotionally repress and internalize... And you craft a mask.
I know that mask. I spent most of my life unidentified autistic. One of the "labels" for that is literally high-masking. I was generally seen as pretty emotionally open, empathetic and "sweet" and fun. But few people realized how shy I felt, or the chronic anxiety I was drowning in. And almost no one ever saw me cry. I heard their questions, overheard their assumptions, sensed their judgments, deeply felt their rejections. At best, people often assumed I was far more easygoing than I actually am. At worst (and not uncommonly), some assumed I was distant, or playing headgames, or a dozen other negative things it would hurt too much to write here.
It's why I relate so much to Azi. He's obviously a very emotional being, yet he still hides so much behind his mask. That makes him confusing to a lot of folks.
People like Crowley are easier. Crowley is extremely skilled at masking, but he's grown into someone who only masks by choice, when necessary, when danger is afoot. Throughout both S1 and S2, he is often emotionally open and vulnerable, especially with his Angel. It's sweet and relatable and comfortable. Easy.
Aziraphale, especially as we first got to know him in S1, is complicated. We see him peek out, genuine and real, then duck back in again.
He's afraid of heaven (with absolutely good reason, tbf!), he's afraid of his own anger, he's afraid to communicate openly...
There's so much in S1 that he messes up. Miscommunications and misunderstandings, over and over again, so often that we might miss the subplot. Azi overcoming his automatic need to hide himself, at least with Crowley, is actually Aziraphale's character arc in S1. We see him grow, see more genuine moments -- usually intellect-centered moments, or silly, playful ones.
He starts to believe in himself and trusts his own courage. Just before this gorgeous and genuine interaction, Aziraphale was planning to intercept Hell's most vicious and hell-i-est hellhound!
Our angel's character arc was resolved perhaps a little too subtly in E6 when he lets go of restraints and takes Crowley's hand on the bus -- it's the moment we can't quite see, but were assured of later! That resolution propels his actions in the final conflict. After that moment, the Azi we see is quite brave. Whether he's protecting Crowley in hell and asking Michael for a towel, deciding that Jimbriel needs their protection in S2E1, or letting Crowley know how hurt he was so that they can resolve their Jimbriel-induced quarrel, Aziraphale isn't living in fear anymore.
It's a large part of why they look like an Old Married Couple in S2, relaxed and natural with each other. It's because they are.
Azi is finally at ease with himself and his own intensity. Heaven is still dangerous, hell may still be lurking, but our Angel isn't afraid of his own emotions anymore. He's allowed himself to feel totally safe with Crowley.
From a narrative perspective, that aspect of his character arc is complete. He still struggles with managing anxiety, he still doesn't express every emotion smoothly under pressure or during conflict, but that's so very human too, isn't it? We continue to grow.
And when we have to sacrifice, to leave what and whom we love most, we most definitely Grieve.
*****
Our Ineffables are sometimes mirrors of ourselves more than we realize. It's why we love them so much.
What everyone behind a mask wishes for is to feel safe enough to finally come out. I was finally able to. Even if sometimes, like Azi, I still decide I need my mask once in a while, when the world isn't quite safe enough.
Let's all help make it a little safer for each other. 💖
To Our World! 🥂✨
*****
(This musing was partially inspired by @shohji666 's Ineffably beautiful drawing, seen here!)
Look to the left in the distance.
Eve is moving towards Adam just like Crowley moves towards Azzie.
Adam is reaching out to Eve with his arm just like Azzie is reaching out to Crowley with his wing.
