#infgossip

[infgossip]

Let's get into it, Atty! Who do you think watches the most porn because they will never get it in?

"A month ago, I would've said something witty and hilarious about Longbottom–– but now I'm thinking.. nah. I've seen him in action once he's gotten a few brownies in his system, and... well, damn, even I want a piece of that!

All of my fingers are currently pointing to Siobhan Bones. Yeah, all ten of 'em. I bet she watches granny porn."

[infgossip]

Atty, I'm in need of some advice. Who's a good shag?

"Me–– and I'm available at any hour. Come get a piece of this pumpkin pasty."

[infgossip]

Oi, Skeeter! Mate, could you be a darling n' tell Rita to back off about my family, please? We really don't need her poking 'er nose where it doesn't belong. S'bad publicity n' stuff.

"Yeah, yeah, why dontcha tell Mickey to get off my back about this little gossip column? You tell our sweet little Headmistress that the amount of references I make to genitalia and the Giant Squid is scientifically necessary, and I'll talk to Auntie for ya. Little bit of squid-pro-quo."

[infgossip]

Opinions on Landon and Adelaide?

"I thought they were cute, like in a sense of 'oh, that's cute, I'm gonna feel bad for laughing when it crashes and burns'–– but it works really well, because since she's blind, she can't even see his abnormally-shaped nose. Speaking of those two, where have they been?"

[infgossip]

Oi Atticus! Don't you agree that we should all get a vote on the Hogwarts baby's name? What would you call it?

"Atticus Jr, obviously. No competition. Next!"

[infgossip]

Atty, since you know everything why do you think go girls to the bathroom together?

"Are you serious?

                 . . .

Oh Merlin, no one's told you? You poor, sweet summer child.

Everyone knows that girls go to the bathroom together for their quad-weekly, bi-daily, massive lesbian orgies. It's basic mathematics! One-plus-one-plus-bathroom-equals-schoolwide-orgy."

[infgossip]

Who do you see going someplace in life?

"Anyone with a good pair of shoes, dear!"

[infgossip]

Oh Atticus. So we all know who you think should end up together, but lets come down from cloud nine for a moment and try to think logically. Who are the most likely couples to get together? My money's on Longbottom and Pritchard, but I don't know about everyone else. Indulge me?

"Longbottom and Pritchard? Honey, where have you been? I'm not gonna lie, I saw her twirling her hair around him more than usual–– but that was before the party. Logically, our little Schlongbottom's just gonna end up alone, or in the pants of Princess Lily Potter. Gotta catch 'em all, am I right or am I right?

Most likely, now? I feel like something's brewing up between Joji and Jericho, now that Lorcan's disappeared. Ladies man can't even dump his playdate properly, how sad is that?

As for the other Scamander twin–– well, he's just a dumbass. Sweet, but dumb. Maybe he should find Longbottom and they can be loners together, yeah? Nah, they'd probably screw it up.

I think we all prefer our fantasies to logical couples. Puh-leease."