GOLDEN SNITCHES GET STITCHES;

Atticus Skeeter, here at your service! Feel free to call me anything you'd like, darling–– I also go by Your aunt is an annoying little beetle Skeeter, Please tell your aunt to leave my family alone Skeeter and Seriously Atticus just go away. My self-appointed job is to fill you in on all the naughty, naughty things these kids get into. Why don't you be a a dear and give me all the sordid little details?

[infgossip]

Let's get into it, Atty! Who do you think watches the most porn because they will never get it in?

"A month ago, I would've said something witty and hilarious about Longbottom–– but now I'm thinking.. nah. I've seen him in action once he's gotten a few brownies in his system, and... well, damn, even I want a piece of that!

All of my fingers are currently pointing to Siobhan Bones. Yeah, all ten of 'em. I bet she watches granny porn."

[infgossip]

Atty, I'm in need of some advice. Who's a good shag?

"Me–– and I'm available at any hour. Come get a piece of this pumpkin pasty."

[infgossip]

Oi, Skeeter! Mate, could you be a darling n' tell Rita to back off about my family, please? We really don't need her poking 'er nose where it doesn't belong. S'bad publicity n' stuff.

"Yeah, yeah, why dontcha tell Mickey to get off my back about this little gossip column? You tell our sweet little Headmistress that the amount of references I make to genitalia and the Giant Squid is scientifically necessary, and I'll talk to Auntie for ya. Little bit of squid-pro-quo."

[infgossip]

Opinions on Landon and Adelaide?

"I thought they were cute, like in a sense of 'oh, that's cute, I'm gonna feel bad for laughing when it crashes and burns'–– but it works really well, because since she's blind, she can't even see his abnormally-shaped nose. Speaking of those two, where have they been?"

[infgossip]

Oi Atticus! Don't you agree that we should all get a vote on the Hogwarts baby's name? What would you call it?

"Atticus Jr, obviously. No competition. Next!"

[infgossip]

Atty, since you know everything why do you think go girls to the bathroom together?

"Are you serious?

                 . . .

Oh Merlin, no one's told you? You poor, sweet summer child.

Everyone knows that girls go to the bathroom together for their quad-weekly, bi-daily, massive lesbian orgies. It's basic mathematics! One-plus-one-plus-bathroom-equals-schoolwide-orgy."

[infgossip]

Who do you see going someplace in life?

"Anyone with a good pair of shoes, dear!"

[infgossip]

Oh Atticus. So we all know who you think should end up together, but lets come down from cloud nine for a moment and try to think logically. Who are the most likely couples to get together? My money's on Longbottom and Pritchard, but I don't know about everyone else. Indulge me?

"Longbottom and Pritchard? Honey, where have you been? I'm not gonna lie, I saw her twirling her hair around him more than usual–– but that was before the party. Logically, our little Schlongbottom's just gonna end up alone, or in the pants of Princess Lily Potter. Gotta catch 'em all, am I right or am I right?

Most likely, now? I feel like something's brewing up between Joji and Jericho, now that Lorcan's disappeared. Ladies man can't even dump his playdate properly, how sad is that?

As for the other Scamander twin–– well, he's just a dumbass. Sweet, but dumb. Maybe he should find Longbottom and they can be loners together, yeah? Nah, they'd probably screw it up.

I think we all prefer our fantasies to logical couples. Puh-leease."

[infgossip]

Well, well, well..

"You've all sent in your owls for the parties, and now that it's all been tallied up–––– it's clear that you're all dumb, because Slytherin won by a majority vote and everyone knows the Hufflepuff party was where it was at. Honestly, what's wrong with you people? 200 points to Slytherin, and the rest of the houses get 75 consolation points. Think about that, kiddos. Uncle Atticus is very disappointed."

[infgossip]

"Well, well, well. Looks like the fun's just about to begin! Before you get yourselves all dolled up and ready for your parties, why dontcha come over here and vote? Of course–– you could wait until you were already wasted out of your pretty little minds... but I've a feeling we're gonna find a few people passed out. Someone call the muggleborns and their Sharpie Brigade, we'll have work to do!" 

THE GRYFFINDOR PARTY

The Gryffindors take a step out of the confines of the castle walls to host their party in the open air of the Quidditch pitch, where all and every person attending is encouraged to bring their brooms for a better time. To reach the party, however, students will be met right away with a maze growing up and around the area, and will be led through with by the projection of their House’s founder. Hufflepuffs will be coaxed forward with the smile of Helga, Ravenclaws with the gesturing hand of Rowena, Slytherins with the voice of Salazar, and Gryffindors with the laugh of Godric!

Upon walking through the maze, partygoers will be told the story of the founding of Hogwarts and each role of the founders as set by history—But not to worry, no history lesson you’ve ever taken has provided booze before, has it? Stations are set out at points in the maze with enough to buzz you out until you finally reach the entrance of the party itself, only to be greeted by the grumbling roar of a Chinese dragon lion, floating gracefully through the goal posts and back again as the party continues on. Stepping into the party, you’ll receive a golden lion mask to be worn for the entirety of the festivities, and from there on the flash of the party is for you to fall into!

Through the announcer’s box, music will be blasting through to provide enough dancing that limping your way back to the dorm is the only acceptable way to leave.  At the center of the pitch, which has been shaded over in a scarlet light to keep partygoers in the know with where it was they were, is a fountain that pours out golden beverages—But hey, no tampering with that thing unless you want that dragon-lion to roar loud enough in your ear to be deaf for the rest of the night! Get ready for a fully realistic replication of Godric Gryffindor himself, as James Potter has taken it upon himself to dress as the historic man, with his glistening sword at his side! 

At the end of the evening the golden dragon will explode into a massive pyrotechnic show of scarlet and gold, and each partygoer will be given their mask as a keepsake of the best party they ever attended, and a sad reminder of their crushing defeat in the House party competition.

THE SLYTHERIN PARTY

For the crafty Slytherins, it was no problem to form their party quickly and without argument; no bonfires would be had, no insipid DJs and their clunky little turntables–– oh no, the most magic-adept of the snakes went out to the Black Lake itself and froze it over, making sure to charm the ice to frost only towards the edges and leave the middle completely clear and un-slick. Once the ice was frozen, those strongest in charms enchanted lights to pulse and weave around under the ice, illuminating the vibrant aquatic life beneath and forming bright serpents to those clever enough to look closely and for longer than a dismissive glance.

Towards the far end of the ice was a set up for a band the more wealthy students had hired–– Snitchless ––to play through the night. Though only up and coming, Jem McLaggen has repeatedly sworn up and down that they'll make it big within the next few years.. and what better way to kickstart their career than to play a gig at the best party of the season?

In the middle of the ice, a dark circular bar was built, with a witty and seasoned bartender from Hogsmeade mixing colorful and glowing cocktails to whoever asked. The main drink served, as Molly Weasley insisted, was an absinthe-infused green punch with an especially ambrosial kick–– more than one student would no doubt report it's temporary likeness to the affects of a pepperup potion.

Dotting the outskirts of the ice at regular intervals were tall black tables, each with a centerpiece of enchanted, synthetic silver fire. These arrangements not only provided heat that didn't interfere with the charm on the lake, but mood lighting for those who preferred to gather in smaller circles than mingle amongst the pressing bodies and raucous shouts of laughter that crowded near the bar and the band.

The entire party was set to wind well into the night and early dregs of morning, with the served drinks and fires growing warmer until the very last party-goer left, taking with them the sparkling crystal vial of anti-hangover cure each student had been gifted with upon their departure from the party. It would be clear throughout the entire night that the Slytherins had wanted a balance of elegance and casual fun and if anyone could find that balance, it was sure to be them.

THE HUFFLEPUFF PARTY

'Good ideas glow in the dark' was the motto Hufflepuff picked out for their party. With blacklight and uv paint they created a whole nother world in the Hogwarts dungeons with glowing drinks, shining food and bright colours everywhere. The most artistical students offered to draw the house's mascot onto one of the walls and the most talented with magic hexed the badger alive. Moving to the music and changing colours it now signifies the students's house pride, and the tiny Hufflepuff symbols on the students's skins show the honour each one of them feels to be associated with this house. So, grab some paint and add some more colour to the room! Because happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

THE RAVENCLAW PARTY

The first things the clever Ravenclaws did was set up protective boarders. One was set up to line the whole tower, so that no one could fall off by mistake, nor was there any way to jump off. A second barrier was made around the telescopes that could not be moved into storage, so nobody would be able to mess with them. And a third one was cast to make ensure that no one would accidentally fall down the opening to the stairs.

Some of the more art inclined eagles enchanted the walls to look that of Van Gogh’s painting, ‘Starry Night’, charming the brush strokes to move through the painting in a swirling motion, almost entrancing to the eyes of onlookers. When that was done, an enhancement was cast upon the ceiling to show a meteor shower, and as the night went on, stars were set to fall based off the mood of the party. A couple daring Ravenclaws may even be inclined to start a real meteor shower as the night goes on. To ease the long climb to the top of the Astronomy tower, one thoughtful Ravenclaw suggested they decorate the steps to the top.

So the staircase was turned into a miniature galaxy itself, small floating lights drifted in the open air, mimicking the stars of the night sky and forming constellations as people passed. Upon reaching the top of the stairs, a stone eagle was handing out bronze and blue masks for everyone to wear while they enjoyed the party.

In order to provide more light to the party, glowing bubbles were set up in advance, and would float around calmly all evening. Inside the bubbles, and the ones providing the light were small glowing fairies. The bubbles were charmed to not pop and fly away from students who meant them ill, should the fairies not notice, the bubbles served as a way for the faeries natural glow to become beacons in the tower. A collection was taken up and Ravenclaws of all sizes donated what they could, thus enabling the planners to be able to pay the faeries for their services, the house elves for helping prepare the food, and anyone else hired for the party.

Music was provided by a DJ, whose booth was set up on the side of the room. It wasn’t just any music playing for the party, though. It was a history of music, starting roughly one hundred years back, and proceeding through the top songs of different ages as the night passed, ending the party with the more modern hits. Of course, all the songs, while still being popular hits, would stick to the theme of the party and thus usually included references to the night sky, or at least the word “star” in the lyrics.

Bright blue bubbles were to be released periodically as the part progresses, these bubbles will be filled with vodka. For those who prefer to stay sober for the night, or perhaps would like an alternative, there would also be punch, served by stone eagles tasked with making sure that no one tamper with it throughout the night.

Lining the walls were tables filled with many different snacks, although most notably baked goods made by the hosts earlier that day. The main cake, a three layered one which towered over the smaller snacks, stuck to the theme of the party and was dotted in glowing icing drops and swirls that depicted the milky way. 

Off to the side, there was a very special table of snacks upon which was placed a note, that claimed even the best of creators made many of their masterpieces under certain influences. Also placed on the tables were cookies shaped and decorated to look like eagles or the Ravenclaw crest. As guest left the party, they would be handed a fortune cookie, filled with a silly fortune and a small riddle, in exchange for the return of their masks.

[infgossip]

Opinions on Hugo and Jericho?

"First of all, we're not even gonna begin to talk about how offended I am that I wasn't invited for a threesome. Can you imagine a Hugo-Jericho sandwich? Yum!

Apart from that, I think they should go talk to Frank and Albus. What, you say? Oh, yeah. They don't call me Stalker Skeeter for nothin'. Been there, done that, give me something new to talk about!"

[infgossip]

Who isn't on the Deadpool that you think should be?

"Yeah, sure, lemme just whip out my pocket edition of the Deadpool and go to town on it––– seriously, who are you and how do you expect me to keep up with this? I have a life, sweetness.

Personally, I'd go with the rest of the Weasleys. I mean, you already have all the Potters and some of the Weasleys, why not go for the whole set? Don't be a lazy villain, thats how the good guys win!" 

[infgossip]

Most hated person from each House.

"Looks like someone wants to stir up some trouble! Bless your little heart, you don't even know what you're asking for. Obviously, we'll start with the most hated person in school–––– cause that's yours truly. I get hate letters, darling; they're like love letters, only more passionate, kind of kinky....but I digress.

For Hufflepuff, I think you already knew the answer. Someone needs to stop Jericho McLaggen, and I'm not just saying that because he's obviously trying to steal the title of resident fabulous King from me–– no wait, yes I am. Seriously, someone should abduct him. Where's the bad guys when you need 'em?

Next up, for Slytherin we have our high-and-mighty Eric Vanity. He is a mythic bitch. Did anyone else hear what he did to that Wood girl the other day? I don't know whether to feel bad or laugh.. Maybe I'll just do both.

Gryffindor's a little tricky, but I'd say most are in agreement with me when I say little miss Joji Grey needs to stop being so cocky. That's my job, darkling. Calm down, take your fangs outta that Scamander boy, and study or something.

The eagles are the hardest, because we all know that no one in that house is really awful.. Maybe Lucy Weasley? I know we've all gotten at least one detention from the blonde."

[infgossip]

Most likely to survive an attempt on their lives from the big, bad deadpool bunch?

"My top three are Molly Weasley, Jericho McLaggen, and Lorcan Scamander.

                 . . .

Mostly because they're not actually on the deadpool, but hey! I'm sure they're all very tough in their own way."

[infgossip]

List of all the girls who've rejected you?

"Wow. Someone's in a bad mood. You don't need to take these things out on me, love. Besides, girls don't reject me, little grey face. They take a raincheck for a later time in the future in which they'll realize they loved me all along. 

Without further ado, all the girls who are unable to love me at this time are Lily Potter, Ariel Thomas, Poesy Dursley, Nora Wood, Uriel Pritchard, Molly Weasley, Dominique Weasley, Lucy Weasley, Findlay Bones, Siobhan Bones, Tansy Brown, and Scorpius Malfoy.

                   . . .

I'm counting him in this list on account of his delicate hands and swanlike neck."

[infgossip]

Talk dirty to me, Atty. Who do you think have the juiciest, most bizarre, or even the tamest fantasies? We're talking under the sheets, obviously. I'm not here to talk about career choices.

"Oh, honey–––– I think we both know that I fall under the top slot in all three categories. I can't even begin to explain the lurid things that run on in my head like whizzing golden snitches... so I won't. Here's my top three, dear.

Frank Longbottom. First in class, first on my list. This boy–– this boy who blushes like a little schoolboy at the mere mention of sex–– has got to have THE most juicy fantasies. He's so clumsy and shy.. we all know he's probably into some hard-core stuff. I'm talking whips, I'm talking leather, I'm talking not studying for his next Transfiguration test.. Y'know, depraved things. Homework assignment, one of you little pygmy puffs needs to find out what he's into. First person who finds out gets a cookie.

Second, with the most bizarre fantasies.. I'd say Landon Dursely. Mr. Grump-Face is, as you know, probably the most boring student here in this entire castle. I say if he doesn't like magic so much he should just leave. Despite all that, his little fuddy-duddy mind has got to get a little freaky! If it's not outside, it's in. This is the kind of guy that probably likes to get weird with rubber ducks and tomatoes. 

Finally, tame fantasies, I'd have to pick Lily Potter. I honestly can't imagine her having any adventure when she gets down with it. If I had to describe her average sexual experience, I'd just say she lies back and thinks of england. Missionary-under-the-covers-the-the-lights-off. Maybe–– just maybe, her wildest fantasy has included hand-holding of some sort."

[infgossip]

okay, atty. let's continue being teenage girls: which students do you think are super sexually frustrated? I think they need to know just to give them the right bump to the next step

"Easy-Peasy, my little licorice wand.

Everyone knows that the most sexually frustrated students are Scorpius Malfoy, Molly Weasley, Frank Longbottom, Lucy Weasley, Lily Potter, and Baernd Sterkel! I recommend an orgy performed under my loving guidance, and they'll all be right as rain in no time.

Give me something more challenging to talk about."