#infpprobs

[christianagrace9]

Tell me why I fall in love with everyone I meet but couldnt feel more platonic about my actual boyfriend

[jeuneoiseau]

Sometimes I write entire blog entries in my mind at night when I'm supposed to be asleep, and they're all very organized, passionate, and persuasive until I wake up the next morning and it's all gone and I can hardly remember what it was that possessed me to "write" about whatever topic anyway. Until night rolls around and it all comes back again. I've settled on the conclusion that I'm gonna be that insane mother one day who pays her baby sitters bank just so she can take some "me time" and write out the mysterious combustions that take place in her mind so she can return to her children as the well-functioning mother they know and love (LOL). Funny how in this whole story I have completely forgotten about the possibility (or rather, necessity, if children are in the picture) of a husband who will help and care and probably keep me more sane just by being in my life and yes that will be nice I receive this for myself thanks Julie goodnight. 1/14/17

[jeuneoiseau]

awake with the moon

My brother came in my room tonight as I was laying in bed, ready for sleep, but forcing myself to stay up. I told him how tired I was and he asked me why I don't just go to sleep. I've always known I was a night owl (spirt animal ayy) but I tried to explain to him why I stay up but it came out all sloppy and I felt misunderstood. Which is okay. But it still makes sense to me. I basically told him that once I fall asleep, that means the next waking minute will be morning time, a new day, in which I don't know what holds. Will I wake up hopeful or sad? What emotions and reactions will I have? I know that with some of this, there is a choice (hello to all the "choose joy" advocates). But I'm so tired, and just want to be content and breathe easily. No choice in the matter. Just let it be. It's possible, I know it is- simply, rare. So, if tomorrow's uncertainties, its choices, its wars can be put off a little longer by a little less sleep by night, then I'm bound to take the opportunity. I'm sleepy and beyond, but at least my chest and my stomach feel loose. At least I am certain of this very moment, laying in bed, knowing sleep will come soon. My brother couldn't relate, and I guess he's lucky for that. But these moments at night when I lay alone, are sacred. There may come a day that I regret giving up my sleep for a short time of stillness but I don't think it will come soon. I'll always be a night owl. I'll always love to be awake with the moon. 12/27/16

[jeuneoiseau]

Woke up in absolute turmoil this morning. Honest by Joseph on repeat to nurture my needy heart, books and bible sprawled out before me per usual in the hopes that these jitters will calm themselves enough in order for me to read in order to calm these jitters. It’s a never ending cycle of viciousness, and I feel like a waking, walking paradox. I leave for America tonight and the idea that I have to function through this day, putting my feelings aside for the sake of those I’m with, fills me with dread (and exhaustion for that matter). Jesus, help me through this day. 8/28/16

[jeuneoiseau]

it reminded me

I couldn’t take it anymore, so I grew a pretty pair and went into L’s room. I just wanted to do that brave communication thing on low scale. That thing I’ve been so scared to do. So I sat down and asked if she was ok and the next thing I knew a whole hour had gone by and we had just talked the whole way through about so many random things. And they were all good things! We laughed and even had some girl-talk, and even though I had been nervous, and my social anxiety had hit new levels lately, talking to her was easy. It was getting late so I said I was gonna go and “it’s funny because I originally came in here to ask if you were mad at me.” L acted sort of surprised and said she wasn’t mad, but somehow, she ended up telling me that N said that I corrected her english that one night I spent with her (my first night in Paris when I was jet-lagged AF). Then I was told that M and P, A, and MF had all agreed that I was slow moving, and that I was in my own little world, that I did things on my own time, and that I spent a lot of time alone. I took all of this in, little by little, and tried so hard not to let it hurt me. Then L told me that M had said that I wasn’t like MM at all as far as being social and helpful went. They all thought I'd be like her- a little more appealing. I took a breath before explaining myself a little bit. I didn’t go into crazy detail. But I told her how it was hard for me because of the language barrier, and how after so many times of sitting at a table with so many conversations going on all at once, and not being able to partake, definitely took a toll on me. I told her that nobody really tried to talk to me either. And I wasn’t being harsh or defensive, I know. I was most honestly baring my heart. But it hit me all at once how very, very misunderstood I had been. How they all thought I was weird when I just needed to be alone and rest my head of it's fullness of thoughts, when I disappeared into myself in search of a sign of comfort, how I'd sit alone rather than stand and hustle to calm the anxiety that could easily make me explode. And so, at first I bit my lip, held my breath, and swallowed really hard. But then I decided. And I found myself saying “I’m probably going to cry.” And I did. And it was exactly what I needed for the past month. L was such a heartfelt listener. At first I was afraid she was telling me those things to be hurtful, or in a gossip-y sense. But I think she was just being honest because I asked and it opened up the conversation. Everything I have been feeling and everything she told me, reminded me. It reminded me of how much the devil hates me and my life- how he wants to see me die inside if I won't do it physically. It reminded me of all the years growing up, and how much it hurt me to my core when I was misunderstood and compared to MM. It reminded me of the dark, quick, and painful tornado of self hate and self destruction I had been stuck in all that time. Well, fuck you, devil. It still hurt. It still hurts. But I’m not weak as I thought anymore. Because as much as it stung to hear what I heard, it reminded me that the spirit of the living God lives and breathes inside of me. And any misconception people have about me, any identity confusion that takes place, holds no candle to the embrace and resurrection that comes with being a Daughter. Tonight was a pin point night. A night I could have stayed alone and wallowed in everything I hadn’t done, and had failed at doing- everything I was not, but I did what I was incapable of doing as a fear-bound victim, but now have the power as a set-free victor…I got up and did something. And that is worth celebrating. “Scared is what you’re feeling, brave is what you’re doing.”

8/25/16

[jeuneoiseau]

the kind

3/10/16

I’ve come to the conclusion That it just takes a good long while For anyone to see me.

If they do at all. This is the reality. The kind that really hurts. Not forever. But for now. It’s the kind that really hurts.

[between-the-unseen]

There comes a point when you are so aware of the intwining of the entire Universe and Its (Consciousness) awareness of you, you will begin to see some aspect yourself ~ old or new; budding or expanded ~ everywhere. And, instead of shouting, “I don’t want to be apart of the Collective,” you embrace it and merge so as to rise above the ego’s conditioning. The point is an epiphany of Oneness juxtaposed with Self-Expression that, imho, expands the Universe.

Stillness and Awareness