#inkweaver 45

[inkweaver-45]

It takes a huge effort to free yourself from memory.

[inkweaver-45]

الموت يأتي بسرعة فاءقة فلا تراه قادما، ومن ماتوا لم يجدوا فرصة ليخبروا الآخرين بهذا.

[inkweaver-45]

لم يخذلونا...نحن من خذلنا أنفسنا حين تجاهلنا الحقيقة، نحن خذلنا أنفسنا حين رسمناهم كما نشتهى، حين غلفنا الحقيقة بتوقعات حاجتنا، هم لم يعدونا بشيء نحن من حرفنا كلماتهم لنعرف لها لحنا يطربنا، نحن من رقصنا على أيقاع وهم أطعمناه أمانين النافقة...

[inkweaver-45]

ثم سندرك انه لم يخدعنا احد، و لم يتغير فجأة، نحن فقط كنا نراهم كما نحب...لا كما هم. كل ما فعلوه كان واضحا منذ البداية، لكننا كنا نزينه بنية طيبة، و ظنوني حسنة...

[inkweaver-45]

Tell them i came from a place where death was so easy.

[inkweaver-45]

The thing about loss is you don't lose someone once. You lose someone a first initial time. This is the inciting event. And then if you live long enough without them you lose them repeatedly for as long as you are alive and they are not. And that means you get accustomed to burying someone repeatedly. Which if not thought of in a way that is generous, can be daunting to live with. But on the other hand if you believe as I'd do, that grief is just a kind of emotion that's knocking on the door of memory and asking you to recall something, then there's real gratitude in that. There's real gratitude in recollection. There's real gratitude in me reaching for my mother’s voice even when I don't retrieve it because I'm reaching for my mum nonetheless. It reminds me that I'm losing a person over and over but by losing them i get to return to the site of their living and that is celebratory.

[inkweaver-45]

One gets a taste of blood when you lick your own wounds.

[inkweaver-45]

You will never be completely at home again because part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.