#inpatientupdate

[u-r--lovely]

Recovery Update:

DIDN’T get on a feeding tube today!! I ate 100% at breakfast and was able to prove to my doctor that I am motivated because I really don’t want to be on the tube. I ate 100% at lunch and dinner AND drank all of my fluids. I felt so so SO guilty and veryyyy full after each meal. Each bite was a horrible struggle, it took me sooo long to finish all my meals but I fucking DID it!! I don’t want to give up, I want to keep on trying for recovery. I need to FIGHT FOR MY LIFE. I will update as the days go on too.

[u-r--lovely]

Goals For Today:

-read my books

-journal about my fears about proteins and carbs

-have at least my yogurt, veg, fruit, and half my protein at meals (30-50%) at each meal (AT LEAST!!)

-find out what my goal weight is from the Dr. so I know how long I have to get there

[u-r--lovely]

Recovery Update:

The staff TOOK AWAY my stuffed animal bunny!!!!! You aren’t supposed to have them really but a nice staff member gave me mine and I was supposed to keep it in my room but have been hiding it under the bench. I’m REALLY attached to it. It makes me feel safe from the Trauma just like my ED did and know that I’m not self harming or binging and purging and don’t have my Bunny I’m not safe AT ALL. Like wtf. I just wanna leave and sign a 72 but I can’t because then PHP won’t take me. So I either stay here for around 3 more weeks (that’s about how long it’ll take me to gain the weight) or just leave and pray I can recover on my own through AA meeting’s. I highly doubt I’ll be able to do that but I’m still so so tempted. I wanna selfharm soooo fucking badly omGGGG. But I can’t can’t can’t give up after 7 months. I wanna punch the wall or scream or cry or just fucking do something that will hurt myself but make it look by accident or just workout all night or idk idk idk I just hate everything and wanna run away from myself.