This is dedicated to @inakindofdaydream & @blitheringmcgonagall for subconsciously making me write this instead of the proposal. (i still don’t understand how that happened). any typos are made due to it being almost one in the morning, sorry it’s late.
Also this is the sequel to this!
(January 1978)
It had been over two weeks. Two, long disastrous weeks that had made James hate Severus Snape more than he ever had before. Jame knew he was being irrational (if only somewhat). He knew that it if Lily had wanted to trust him she would have.
She had tried approaching him, but he was, ashamed to admit it, avoiding her. Could anyone really blame him? The answer was yes, Sirius was definitely vocalising the fact that he thought James to be a huge idiot whose only accomplishment as of late was the fact that he didn’t take back the cat he had given Lily for Christmas. Lily had told Sirius to tell James if he wanted Godric back since they were no longer in a relationship. In spite of his love for the cat, he could have never taken it away from her; he had seen the way her face lit with adoration for the animal when James had given it to her on Boxing Day. Her eyes had shone a wonderful green as she tested out names before claiming him Godric the Second, after James’ first cat that he, to this day, claims was kidnapped by garden gnomes.
In two days it would be three weeks since the incident, in four it would be her birthday and each day it made the distance between them even greater. And his heart broke a bit more every single day that passed between them. But he couldn’t be near her just yet, no matter how much he wanted to just hold her and tell her they would be fine (honestly, he didn’t know if they would be).
“You know she regrets it?” Sirius said as they walked to Transfiguration. “She’s heartbroken, James.”
He sighed before turning to his best mate. “Padfoot, be a good dog and drop it.” Sirius’ lip twitched. “I care about Lily. I wish I didn’t, but I do. She didn’t trust me, and that’s not even the entire problem with us. The problem is that she took his word over mine. She’ll always pick him over me, always take his side before mine when all he ever did was hurt her. I shouldn’t have to make her or wait for her to trust me, she should know me and know I wouldn’t lie to her.” He sighed, “I could have easily lied and said I didn’t have any secrets, but everyone has secrets. It’s not like I could tell her I can turn into a deer without telling her about Moony.”
Sirius’ fingers went for his temple, “Are you done rambling yet?” James nodded. “It’s not that she doesn’t want to trust you, Prongs. I just don’t think she knows how to. I think she’s tired in putting her faith in the wrong people and getting hurt because of it.” His eyes met James’. “Can you imagine what it would be like to have someone you trusted betray you in the way they promised they would never, then to be abandoned by more of your friends for being humiliated in front of most of the year? Let’s not even get started on her sister.”
“Yeah, Petunia’s a piece of work.”
Sirius glared at James. Sirius wondered whether he should either shove them in a closet and make them sort out their problems or perhaps just hit his mate with a bludger until he saw reason. Really, it probably wasn’t healthy for someone to be invested in two people’s relationship. “Is that all you have to say?”
“What do you want me to say, Padfoot? That I forgive her? Because I don’t, I need time.” Sirius frowned, giving him a dirty look. “Fine, I’ll think about it, okay?”
He sighed, “I suppose that’ll have to do for now.”
James knew he was a goner from the moment her eyes met his later that day in Defense Against the Dark Arts. They looked uncertain as she smiled shyly at him, he swore that smile had gotten James into more messes than he could count. Her pointed hat sat on her desk with her hair in a single plait.
He turned away and took his usual seat in the back not watching as her smile fell from her face. Instead, James listened as Professor Flitwick rambled on about the Patronus Charm again. This had been their third lecture on it, and he was ready to start banging his head against his desk. Instead of possibly damaging his braincells, James zoned out a bit having already read the material when Sirius, Peter, and he had been preparing to become animagi. He had also managed to accomplish the spell during the holidays when his father had hinted that he would be needing it soon.
“James,” he heard Remus say in warning as he watched James eyes once more shifting between looking at Lily and staring at their tiny professor in hopes of him being telepathic and being able to understand James’ extreme boredom–especially considering he had moved Sirius from next to James because they tended to talk too much.
“I told Padfoot I’d think about it, so please don’t come lecturing me as well, Moony.”
Remus complied with James’ wish for the next half-hour as Sirius and Peter had joined them for the practical part of the lesson.
“I’m just going to say one thing,” he continued as if they had never dropped the subject, which James supposed Remus never had. “You were wrong when you said she doesn’t love you,” his eyes shifted to Lily who had managed to produce a corporeal patronus that had James’ legs wobbling.
“A doe,” he whispered to himself as Flitwick began praising the redhead whose blush was evident from across the room. He could have sworn that he saw her looking at him again as he gaped at her. He felt more confused than ever before.
“You can pretend otherwise, Sirius, but James hates me.” Lily said that night, having snuck out to meet the boy in the Gryffindor Common Room. Pathetically enough, she was wearing one of his old Quidditch robes from a Puddlemere United match he had gone to see fifth-year. He had let Lily borrow it when she stayed over at his house–manor, really–during break. She had simply forgotten to give it back.
“He doesn’t hate you. He just doesn’t know what to do. James isn’t used to feeling insecure, and he doesn’t think you trust him.” He scooped a bit of ice-cream into his spoon before handing it back to Lily.
“Of course, I trust him. I just–I’m scared.” She let the spoon move around the ice-cream absently. “I’ve never trusted anyone with my heart, not like with James, you know? How do you just trust someone not to break it into tiny little pieces?”
“You’re asking the wrong person, love. I don’t trust many people, but James won’t ever want to hurt you, and, I guess, that’s the most important part. The way I see it is anyone who does break your heart will always be there to fix it.” He looked at her softly, “The same applies even if they weren’t the one to break it. James shouldn’t pay for someone else’s mistakes. You love him, so show him that it wasn’t all for nothing.”
“For someone who doesn’t believe in love, you sure do give good advice,” she said as she stuffed her mouth with the ice-cream.
“What can I say? I was born this amazing.” Lily laughed, handing back the empty tub of ice-cream back to him. “Thank you for listening and for not leaving me,” she got up and placed a kiss on his cheek. “I think I should head to bed, we have that surprise party I’m not supposed to know about tonight after all.”
“He planned it all, you know? Even after you two split he didn’t stop.”
Her face brightened as a smile appeared. “He’s amazing, isn’t he?”
“Aren’t you going to come down, James?” Peter asked as he was about to follow the noise that had begun an hour ago with the bottles of firewhisky from Sirius’ stash.
“To my ex-girlfriend’s surprise birthday party where I’ll have to see her look as gorgeous as ever and watch as guys drool over her?” His tone was skeptical as he raised looked at the blue-eyed boy. “I’d rather not.”
“Do you want me to stay?” Peter asked softly, looking at the usually animated boy sadly.
James shook his head, “Go enjoy the party, Pete.”
James stared at his the top of his bed for what seemed like hours before he heard the door opening.
“I told you, Padfoot, I’m not–” He cut himself off as he saw that instead of his best friend coming to pressure him into “having fun,” stood a girl with hair the color of fire and eyes that shone brighter than the stars. He supposed that it was only good manners for him to wish her a happy early birthday, but, frankly, he was distracted by the manner in which her was supporting herself with the door.
“All right, Evans?” He asked her, the lopsided smiled that regularly accompanied this phrase missing. He stood up as he noticed something that had escaped his notice before. “Are you pissed?” His eyes eyed the bottle of firewhisky as she giggled.
A pout appeared on her lips teasingly, “Maybe,” her voice was impish as she walked closer to him, stumbling in a way that was more typical of James (albeit without being intoxicated).
“Lily, what are you doing here?” Her eyes shut as she threw herself onto his bed.
“Thinking.” He took the moment to take in her attire. He would have said told her she was captivating had she been sober; he had always found her Muggle clothes quite alluring on her. It was modest enough for her comfort with the perfect amount of skin showing that always had James’ head spinning, but now was not the moment to think about that.
He looked back at her face, her eyes still closed. “Thinking about what?”
“Boys,” she held a frown on her face. “You.” Her eyes flashed open. “You weren’t there, but guys were flirting with me.” She nodded as if this was a new discovery.
“You’re a very beautiful girl, Lily,” he tried to hide the pain at her news. “Of course they were flirting.”
“You don’t get it,” she said it as if he was the one being difficult. “I didn’t want them to be flirting with me. I wanted you, only you.” Her eyes teared up. “I was drinking to get courage, Sirius said it gives him courage.”
“Courage for what?” His heart was skipping as she stood up, she was close enough for him to count the freckles on her skin that were slightly hiding by the drunken blush.
“This,” her lips were on his and as soon as they had been there, they were gone. “I love you.”
“You’ve had a few too many drinks,” he muttered, turning away.
“Debatable,” he let out a snort as he looked at her from under his eyelashes. “I love you. I do,” she said the last part as she saw him about to protest. “I love the way your hair looks like tumbleweed. I like it when you laugh and the way you like making everyone else laugh too. I love that you used to let me wear your glasses whenever I wanted to and how you scrunch up your nose. And you can’t ever sit still, I love everything about you.”
“Lily–”
“Do you?” Her eyes were watching his face carefully.
“Do I what?” He was finding it hard to breathe with her watching him with those big green eyes.
“Do you love me?”
He didn’t know how to respond. On one hand, he did love her, even if he didn’t want to and despite denying it to Sirius for the past few weeks. Yet did he really want to be having this conversation with an intoxicated Lily?
He didn’t have to answer as the next moment she rushed into the boys’ bathroom. Her contents going down into the toilet. “Shh, shh,” he said as he pulled her hair back gently, stroking it soothingly.
“I’m tired.”
He sighed but couldn’t feel any regret as he helped steady her, rinsing the content of the sink before assisting her in washing her teeth.
“Feel better?”
“Mm…” She mumbled, snuggling further into his arms. “Let’s get you some rest.”
“Okay,” she crawled into James’ bed, moving closer to the wall to make room for him. “Come here.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Please?” She could have batted those eyes of her and gotten him to take out his own heart if she wanted him to. “Okay,” he replied as he tentatively got into bed.
She smiled at him sleepily, her hands moved to his face, hitting him gently before grabbing his glasses and placing them on his own face. She giggled. He looked at her with adoration. Oh, bloody hell, he thought.
“James,” Lily said, brushing her hand against his gently. “Wake up.”
“Hmm…” He rubbed his hands against his eyes, trying to drive the sleep away before his eyes focused on Lily. His lips parting to form an o-centered shape.
“Can we talk,” she blushed as he nodded. “Okay, so I love you. I wasn’t pissed when I said that. Well, I was, but I meant it. I do love you. I love you when you do every single thing that is just so you that it drives me crazy. And I’m sorry about the think with Severus. I’m just, I’m scared, James. I trust you, I really do, I just don’t want to get hurt, and I know you’d never want to hurt me, and I never want to hurt you. But that’s part of loving someone, right? Trusting them not to want to hurt you and to help you even if they do. Can we just–” James chuckled as she rambled on, but he did what felt right at the moment and just kissed her. His lips effectively cutting off her rambling as her mouth responded to him.
“Does this mean you forgive me?” Her mouth mumbled against his.
“Yeah,” he pulled away, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. “I forgive you. I was an idiot.” He paused for a moment, “I promise to tell you every secret, big and small for the rest of my life, Lily. I just need time.”
“Okay,” she moved her forehead against him.
“Yeah?” he grinned leaning in once more to place a kiss against the corner of his mouth.
“Yeah,” she pressed herself closer to him. “I trust you.”
i’ll clean it up for the final copy, next week, but i’m exhausted. hope you liked it! favorite part?
