Apparently, millennials, as a generation, which is a group of people who were born approximately 1984 and after, are tough to manage. They are accused of being entitled and narcissistic, self interested, unfocused, lazy - but entitled is the big one.
Because they confound leadership so much, what's happening is leaders are asking the millennials 'what do you want?' And millennials are saying 'we want t0 work in a place with purpose', love that. 'We want to make an impact', whatever that means... 'We want free food and bean bags.” And so someone articulates some sort of purpose, free food and there's bean bags, and yet, for some reason, they are still not happy. And that's because there's a missing piece.
I can break it down to four pieces, four things, four characteristics:
1. Parenting. 2 Technology. 3 Impatience. 4 Environment.
The generation that we call the millennials, too many of them grew up subject to, not my words, 'failed parenting strategies.' Where, for example, they were told that they were special - all the time, they were told they can have anything they want in life, just 'cause they want it. Some of them got into honors classes not because they deserved it but because their parents complained. Some of them got A’s not because they earned them, but because the teachers didn’t want to deal with the parents. Some kids got participation medals, they got a medal for coming in last. Which the science we know is pretty clear is that it devalues the medal and the reward for those who actually work hard and that actually makes the person who comes in last feel embarrassed because they know they didn’t deserve it so that actually makes them feel worse. So you take this group of people and they graduate and they get a job and they’re thrust into the real world and in an instant they find out they are not special, their mom’s can’t get them a promotion, that you get nothing for coming in last and by the way you can’t just have it 'cause you want it. In an instant their entire self image is shattered. So you have an entire generation that is growing up with lower self esteem than previous generations.
The other problem to compound it is we are growing up in a Facebook/Instagram world, in other words, we are good at putting filters on things. We’re good at showing people that life is amazing even though I am depressed… So everybody sounds tough, and everybody sounds like they got it all figured out and the reality is there’s very little toughness and most people don’t have it all figured out. So when the more senior people say “what should we do?” they sound like “this is what you gotta do!” - and they have no clue.
So you have an entire generation growing up with lower self esteem than previous generations - through no fault of their own, they were dealt a bad hand. Now let’s add in technology. We know that engagement with social media and our cell phones releases a chemical called dopamine. That’s why when you get a text - it feels good. We've all had it when you're feeling a little bit down, feeling a bit lonely so you send out ten texts to ten friends: hi; hi; hi; hi; hi; hi. 'Cause it feels good when you get a response. It's why we count the likes and if my instagram is going slower, 'did I do something wrong?' 'do they don't like me anymore?', the trauma for young kids to be 'unfriended'. Because we know when you get it you get a hit of dopamine which feels good. Dopamine is the exact same chemical that makes us feel good when we smoke, when we drink and when we gamble. In other words, it’s highly, highly addictive… We have age restrictions on smoking, gambling and alcohol but we have no age restrictions on social media and cell phones. Which is the equivalent of opening up the liquor cabinet and saying to our teenagers 'hey by the way, if this adolescence thing gets you down...'. That's basically what's happening. An entire generation that has access to an addictive, numbing chemical called dopamine, through social media and cellphones while they are going through the high stress of adolescence. Why is this important? Almost every alcoholic discovered alcohol when they were teenagers. When we are very, very young the only approval we need is the approval of our parents and as we go through adolescence we make this transition where we now need the approval of our peers. Very frustrating for our parents, very important for the us, it allows us to acculturate outside of our immediate families and into the broader tribe. It’s a highly, highly stressful and anxious period of our lives and we are supposed to learn to rely on our friends. Some people, quite by accident, discover alcohol, the numbing effects of dopamine, to help them cope with the stresses and anxieties of adolescence. Unfortunately that becomes hard wired in their brains and for the rest of their lives, when they suffer significant stress, they will not turn to a person, they will turn to the bottle. Social stress, financial stress, career stress, that’s pretty much the primary reasons why an alcoholic drinks. What's happening is because we are allowing unfettered access to these dopamine producer devices and media, basically it is becoming hard wired and what we are seeing as they grow older, too many kids don’t know how to form deep, meaningful relationships. Their words, not mine. They will admit that many of their friendships are superficial. They will admit that they don’t count on their friends, they don’t rely on their friends. They have fun with their friends, but they also know that their friends will cancel on them when something better comes along. Deep meaningful relationships are not there because they never practiced the skillset and worse, they don’t have the coping mechanisms to deal with stress. So when significant stress stars to show up in their lives, they’re not turning to a person, they’re turning to a device, they’re turning to social media, they’re turning to these things which offer temporary relief. We know, the science is clear, we know that people who spend more time on Facebook suffer higher rates of depression than people who spend less time on Facebook. These things balanced, are not bad. Alcohol is not bad, too much alcohol is bad. Gambling is fun, too much gambling is dangerous. There is nothing wrong with social media and cellphones, it’s the imbalance. If you are sitting at dinner with your friends, and you are texting somebody who is not there - that’s a problem, that’s an addiction. If you are sitting in a meeting with people you are supposed to be listening to and speaking, and you put your phone on the table, face up or face down I don't care, that sends a subconscious message to the room 'you’re just not that important to me right now.' And the fact that you can’t put it away, is because you are addicted. If you wake up and you check your phone before you say good morning to your girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse, you have an addiction. And like all addictions, in time, it'll destroy relationships, it'll cost time, it'll cost money and it'll make your life worse.
So you have a generation growing up with lower self-esteem that doesn’t have the coping mechanisms to deal with stress. Now you add in the sense of impatience. They’ve grown up in a world of instant gratification. You want to buy something, you go on Amazon and it arrives the next day. You want to watch a movie, log on and watch a movie. You don’t check movie times. You want to watch a TV show, binge! you don’t even have to wait week-to-week-to-week. I know people who skip seasons, just so they can binge at the end of the season. Instant gratification. You want to go on a date? You don’t even have to learn. You don’t need to learn how to practice that skill. You don’t have to be the uncomfortable person who says yes when you mean no and no when you mean yes. Swipe right - bang - done! You don’t even need to learn the social coping mechanism. Everything you want you can have instantaneously. Everything you want, instant gratification, except, job satisfaction and strength of relationships - their ain’t no out for that. They are slow, meandering, uncomfortable, messy processes. And so I keep meeting these wonderful, fantastic, idealistic, hardworking smart kids that’ve just graduated school and are in their entry-level jobs and when I sit down with them and go 'how’s it going?' they go 'I think I’m going to quit.' I'm like 'why?' they're like 'I’m not making an impact'. I'm like 'you've been here eight months…'.
It’s as if their standing at the foot of a mountain and they have this abstract concept called impact that they want to have in the world, which is the summit. What they don’t see is the mountain. I don’t care if you go up the mountain quickly or slowly, but there’s still a mountain. And so what this young generation needs to learn is patience. That some things that really, really matter, like love or job fulfillment, joy, love of life, self confidence, a skillset, any of these things, all of these things take time. Sometimes you can expedite pieces of it, but the overall journey is arduous and long and difficult and if you don’t ask for help and learn that skillset, you will fall off the mountain. Or the worst case scenario, we’re seeing an increase in suicide rates in this generation, we’re seeing an increase in accidental deaths due to drug overdoses, we’re seeing more and more kids drop out of school or take a leave of absence due to depression. Unheard of. This is really bad. The best case scenario, you’ll have an entire population growing up and going through life and just never really finding joy. They’ll never really find deep, deep fulfillment in work or in life, they’ll just waft through life and it will be 'just fine.' 'How’s your job?' 'It’s fine, same as yesterday...' 'How’s your relationship?' 'It’s fine…' That’s the best case scenario.
Which leads me to the fourth point which is environment. Which is we’re taking this amazing group of young, fantastic kids who were just dealt a bad hand and it’s no fault of their own, and we put them in corporate environments that care more about the numbers than they do about the kids. They care more about the short-term gains than the long-term life of this young human being. We care more about the year than the lifetime. We are putting them in corporate environments that aren’t helping them build their confidence. That aren’t helping them learn the skills of cooperation. That aren’t helping them overcome the challenges of a digital world and finding more balance. That isn’t helping them overcome the need for instant gratification and teach them the joys and impact and the fulfillment you get from working hard on something for a long time that cannot be done in a month or even in a year. So we thrust them into corporate environments and the worst part is they think it’s them. They blame themselves. They think it’s them who can’t deal. And so it makes it all worse. It’s not them. It’s the corporations, it’s the corporate environment, it’s the total lack of good leadership in our world today that is making them feel the way they do. They were dealt a bad hand and, I hate to say it but, it’s the company’s responsibility. We have no choice. This is what we got. I wish society that society and their parents did a better job -they didn't. So we're getting them into our companies and we now have to pick up the slack and work extra hard to figure out the ways to build their confidence, we have to work extra hard to teach them the social skills that their missing out on. There should be no cellphones in conference rooms. None, zero. When sitting and waiting for a meeting to start, instead of using your phone with your head down, everyone should be focused on building relationships. Relationship are formed this way, when we're waiting for a meeting to star: 'How’s your dad? I heard he was in the hospital.' 'Oh he’s really good thanks for asking. He’s actually at home now.' 'Oh I’m glad to hear that. That was really amazing.' 'I know, it was really scary for a while there.' -- That’s how you form relationships. 'Hey did you ever get that report done?' 'Oh my god, no, I didn't.' 'I'll help you out with that.' 'Really?' -- That’s how trust forms. Trust doesn’t form at an event in a day. Even bad times don’t form trust immediately. It’s the slow, steady consistency and we need to create mechanisms where we allow for those little innocuous interactions to happen.
I did this with my friends, as we are leaving for dinner together, we leave our cell phones at home. Who are we calling? Maybe one of us will bring a phone in case we need to call an Uber. Or take a picture of our meal. I'm an idealist but I'm not insane...
It’s like an alcoholic. The reason you take the alcohol out of the house is because we cannot trust our willpower. We’re just not strong enough. But when you remove the temptation, it actually makes it a lot easier. When you just say 'Don’t check your phone' people will just go to the bathroom and what’s the first thing we do? We look at the phone. When you don’t have the phone, you just enjoy the world. And that’s where ideas happen. The constant, constant, constant engagement is not where you have innovation and ideas. Ideas happen when our minds wander and we see something and we go 'I bet we could do that…' That’s called innovation. But we’re taking away all those little moments.
None of us should charge our phones by our beds. We should be charging our phones in the living rooms. Remove the temptation. You wake up in the middle of the night because you can’t sleep, you won’t check your phone, which makes it worse. But if it’s in the living room, it’s relaxed, it’s fine. Some say 'But it’s my alarm clock.' Buy an alarm clock. They cost eight dollars. I'll buy you one.
The point is, we now in industry, whether we like it or not, we don’t get a choice, we now have a responsibility to make up the shortfall. And to help this amazing, idealistic, fantastic generation build their confidence, learn patience, learn the social skills, find a better balance between life and technology because quite frankly it’s the right thing to do.
