#inspiredmyself

[karengruberart]

#tbt this was only just over a year ago 😱 I feel like I have come so far as an artist since I created this piece, but her colour version is still probably my most popular piece. I kind of wish I got a good quality photo of her at this stage though, she makes me want to go back to some #graphite and #pen work. Maybe this weekend I’ll have some time 🌸 #inspiredmyself #boom #isthatconceited #artistsoninstagram #drawing

[waytoopersonalblog-blog]

Dam - I used to write well

I used to have a lot of good ideas. Those ideas were beautifully articulated in another blog I used to write in: http://thoughtsofbabel.blogspot.com/

At some point my ideas revealed my craziness. Insecurities came pouring out of me. Blog posts and ideas that were pushed and pulled by my emotions and how I was feeling - and when the dust settled I read those posts sober and thought ‘oh my god’, do I actually believe that? 

I’d publish posts that made me want to crawl in a rock and hope no one read it. Yet, I couldn’t get myself to delete them either. I think there is a lesson to learn from all of this. 

1) I’m capable of more than I know

I was at the top of my writing game back then. Ideas flowing, witty humor, connecting the days events with ideas and videos and other interesting things. It would flow and I would write with such ease. The relationship I had with God definitely helped and yes he deserves all the credit for giving me the gift, but I have a gift! These days my writings a bit dry and not as creative as it used to be but it’s in there. I’ve lost touch with tapping into that creative writer though. 

2) Not All Days are Good

The bad blog posts got to me. Heck, I would even define a bad blog post. Posts that didn’t get enough views or comments, those were the metrics of success I would use to compare one post from another. Not the creativity involved in whipping up a blog post or the emotion and effort put into it - views and comments. I let the worth of my blog post be determined by forces outside my control.

By bad blog posts, I also mean I went a bit overboard. I’d say something out of emotion or a feeling, and I would contradict myself. I would look at a post the next day and think to myself, I don’t really mean that - and I would feel like an imposter. Like I said it and I couldn’t take it back. But sharing ideas and talking is not a came of ‘no-takebacks’. Ideas, values, insights change, it would be a problem if they didn’t. So I shouldn’t be afraid to say something dumb or something I’ll regret in the future. It opens up room for growth and learning.

If I didn’t write because I was afraid of saying something dumb... well then I’d just be keeping those dumb thoughts to myself and stay dumb. Being dumb and working to be smarter is much more admirable than choosing not to be dumb, and staying dumb. 

I also used to not use the word I so much. My blog posts were full of ideas. Concepts and issues people could relate to. At some point I became very self-absorbed and things became all about me. But the truth of the matter is I am not very interesting. However the book I read, or the idea in that article or the way that video was shot - these are interesting things. If I want to be a better writer, I need to stop using I so much.