Tonight was open house. I was a little anxious about it, to be honest, because it is a new school and everything is different. That's normal, really. I've done open house so many times, but I've always done it the way I've done it, and I'm not with TC anymore, or with AC either, and so I was nervous. How does it go here.
It turns out it goes easily. It goes like driving 2.8 miles home so that I can let my dog do his business, and then driving back and having dinner with colleagues at a restaurant nearby. It goes like sharing "something you love, and something that drives you crazy" and laughing and relating, because we are all dealing with your 15-year-old children right now, and we know what you mean. It goes like conversations afterwards, and compliments like "She never thought she'd love her teachers as much as she did last year" and "He said, 'You're as big of a hippie as me!'" It goes like tearful admissions, and reassurances "don't worry, we'll be patient" and "that sounds so hard."
Today I am reminded that I know how all this goes. The most difficult part is to navigate my DMV fines and whatever, and even that's not so bad. I've learned in a couple days that having really bad shit happen means that you can relate to other people's really bad shit, and that's kind of a cool thing. I can't tell you how many times this week people have heard my story and said, "Now I don't feel so bad about _____" and it's funny, because we exchange these heavy loads and find ourselves half as light as when we started, instead of twice as heavy. It's important to be able to laugh at the hard stuff. This is also life, and this too will pass.
Yesterday I learned what Fab Labs are, and I joined TF with Intensive Journaling and it was amazing. It was truly awesomely amazing. Morning meetings dedicated to personal betterment, to wellness, and I thought, yes, I have been craving this. We sat around a table together, and he read to us Muddy/Clear and I could see it all. I could see the stream running madly, and full of so much mud and filth -- 210 citations and 75 DMV holds and $6599.99 dollars to renew my registrations and accidentally forgetting to renew my insurance and -- I could see it all coming to a stillness.
I could see all that whatever settling to the bottom. The water becoming clear on top. I could see myself, finally, as a reflection in the mirror and my image changing, transforming. I could see students that I have loved. I could see their smiles. Their joy. I could see people I missed, and have lost. I could see all these pieces that I have carried that also are me. Because I am love. The visible and the invisible, becoming at once clear.
It didn't mean the mud of everything wasn't there. It just made it feel so much less important.
What a truly beautiful way to start the day. We also paused to reflect on our station in life, and I was so happy to reflect. No one shared, because that wasn't the point. We weren't trying to get strategies. We were just trying to reach clarity.
The photograph I attached to this post is from two school years ago when myself and some students sat outside for at least an hour and watched the sunrise. Dawn seemed to last for ages, but finally, the sun peeked through the mountains and threw rays of golden light on everything. It was a moment of incredible rapture that filled me with such a peace to know, this is my vocation. Teaching is not just my job.
I feel that way again tonight.