Hi, I have a question that maybe be the result of imposter syndrome, but i’d like to ask you anyway? I know i’m demi. I’m pretty certain on that.
But what if i meet new people and start thinking like “what if in a couple of years I catch Feelings for this person?”
I’m just really worried that me *knowing* I’m demi will make me expect to have potential feelings after being good friends with someone. Idk. Does this make any sense?
Hi! Good on you for reaching out :)
Hmm I'm not sure I'm completely clear on exactly what you are asking so if I don't answer your question feel free to send another ask.
First of all, being good friends with someone doesn't mean you definitely will catch feelings - I've had lots of good friends over the years and only like 2 or 3 crushes (and one wasn't on a close friend). Logically, it's not inevitable so you shouldn't worry about that. However, logic and feelings sometimes come into conflict... (perhaps knowing you're demi means you subconsciously "invent" a crush on your friend?)
Any of this (thinking you do, will or should catch feelings for a friend because you are demiromantic) could be some compulsory/internalised amatonormativity at play. Like, the idea that since the only way a demi can feel romantic attraction is with a strong bond (often close friends), therefore that must happen/you must make it happen. This is not true, and is just as important to work through as societal amatonormativity, or any other types of internalised phobias (arophobia and the like). Engaging with more aspec, queerplatonic, and relationship anarchist content might jumpstart this process.
The other thing it sounds like you could be worried about is more the consequences of knowing you might catch feelings? Like:
"Aaargh, I like being friends with them but what if I catch feelings and it ruins/changes the friendship?? If demi = falling for your friends, is it even worth trying to pursue something platonic??"
If this is the case and you're finding you can't fully enjoy being friends/in the moment with people, remember what I said before about it NOT being inevitable. But also if it does happen that's not a bad thing! Relationships change, but also people can have different types of feelings about each other and still get along great. And catching feelings doesn't negate the strength of your platonic bond or make your friendship pointless or anything. If it happens, it happens, but it's really not worth stressing about unless it does, I guess?
This sounds kind of like that shitty "just don't be anxious" advice for anxiety which is not what I intended... I think I just mean you can't control how you'll feel in the future so in terms of friendships/relationships it's better to focus on what's happening now?
Hopefully that helps a little bit, and as always feel free to reach out if you have any follow-up questions (this goes for anyone else reading this too) <3
