i spent the whole day watching movies. i wanna finish this fucking moby dick of a chapter for my fic, so i can get back on the writing horse and finish my script so i can get to editing the video together. so i watched two movies i thought would help: both suicide squad films. i like the first one more. margot robbies harley quinn is this generations michelle phifers catwoman. i ordered taco bell from uber eats cause i had a 60% off promo. bought a lot of food.
ive been sort of bouncing back and forth between things all day, which is pretty standard for me. i got into arguments with a bunch of people online cause i said that the video of charlie kirk getting sh0t sparks joy in me and so a bunch of self proclaimed white supremacists told me i was going to hell and i told them i'll meet him there.
besides that, ive just been watching movies all night too. i stream youtube through this application called freetube, so i can watch youtube without them being able to track my data. ever sense the whole id verification thing, ive just been waiting for them to roll it back because i hate using freetube, but they havent yet. it worries me. but point is, sometimes youtube ip bans me for some reason. i dont know why, but then videos wont play. so i just put on some more movies.
i watched mall, which is from 2014, and its either directed by or produced by linken park ? idk. ive never heard there stuff. but it stars cameron monaghan, and i thought it would help my fic stuff. it did not. its about a mass shooting, i assumed his charecter was the shooter. which hes not. hes like a dorky actually barrable incel awkward collage boy who smokes weed every day and waxes poetic about capitalism. hes michael holden. which i actually liked more. it was a really strange movie. it was more artistic than cinematic. i enjoyed it more than i thought i would. then i watched this documentary called only the young, which i thought was a film about Christian skaterboys falling in love and challenging the church, but it turned out to be a documentary about three Christian "punk" teenagers from 2012 living there lives in east cali. this i liked less. all of them are straight, all of them are Christian, and all of them are conservative. i hope they grew out of it but probably not.
but while i was watching it, this like, hole or something ripped in me. a chasm. i dont know, it was strange. it made me want to call my friend and ask them to go walk around the suburbs tomorrow, or to just hang out. it made me feel really alone. cause they dont want to do any of those things with me. they have someone else to do that with. they have someone else to have emotional support with. someone else they jokingly call there wife. and its not me. and that sucks. i wish i was to them what they are to me. but im not. fuck. now im upset again.
i just. i wanna be out of here. im gonna be 20 in less than three months. that fucking scares the shit out of me. i shouldnt live that long. and i shouldnt live that long still not having a license, or someone to bang, or some sort of income to tide me over. im so tired of life being nothing. i wanna go out and do stuff and i cant. im not allowed to go meet a guy from gindr. im not allowed to borrow anyone's car. im not allowed to drink or get high.
im so tired or being in here. in this room, in this suburb, in this town, this city, this state. i wanna go to london, and toronto, and tokyo, and la, and so cal, and vegas, and calabasas. im just tired. so tired. and im only going to get more tired with each passing day.
my brothers alarm clock is going off for him to get ready for school. now? im either going to go to bed, or im gonna go rewatch the first ten minuets of mall again. maybe i found another charecter of camerons i like besides jerome?
