In your time in polyam communities, have you found any red flags and/or green flags to watch out for? Any advice particularly for queer folks trying to find an inclusive community?
This is a great question, and a treacherous one. Polyamory is just starting to catch a little bit of mainstream attention with a few celebrities beginning to openly practice it and some mainstream news corporations running articles about it. Polyamory has grown tremendously in the past decade. /r/polyamory has 300000 members, but I highly recommend against going to Reddit for anything relationship or identity related. There are thousands of polyamory communities out there, and some of them are not queer friendly or really aren't trying to be intersectional at all, so here are some things to look out for.
First, look out for the usual problems in online or queer communities. Look out for people using racist, anti-queer, anti-trans, ableist, or anti-kink dogwhistles. Look out for tone-policing, highly insular communities, and gatekeeping. Look out for tokenization and a lack of diversity in the community (if you find a polyamory community that is almost entirely middle-aged white cis men, get out fast).
There are several red flags I've seen in my experience that are more specific to polyamory. A big one is framing polyamory as morally superior to or more evolved than monogamy. Extreme black-and-white moralizing is another red flag, often with people saying a specific style of polyamory is morally superior to others. Evopsych is another huge red flag, this is true just in general life but it seems to be particularly popular in polyamory, so stay away from people who use evopsych to guide their personal decisions or construct a concept of personality theory; it's almost always just repackaged gender essentialism, racism, and eugenics if you actually ask that person to give details on their personal values. A common red flag that I haven't seen outside polyamory is framing jealousy as a character flaw; these folks will use rhetoric like "you have to grow out of jealousy to be polyamorous" or "jealousy is your problem and you should deal with it yourself". A lot of virtue-signaling about emotional intelligence is another red flag.
There are some more subtle red flags to look for in polyamory communities. Examine the prominent polycules you see in that community. Are men setting up a de facto One Penis Policy with their partners? Are folks sabotaging relationships with their metamors? Do people respond poorly to criticism from their partners, or do quieter members of polycules never express criticism at all towards the more outspoken members? Are folks expecting all their partners to have similar boundaries? Are people who are new to polyamory expressing hesitations that aren't being addressed by their more experienced partners? Look especially at how young femme women are treated when they first join the community, do they get a lot of unwanted attention or solicitations? Look at how POC and queer people are treated when they talk about the intersections of their identities with polyamory, do straight white people talk over them?
Here are some green flags in polyamory communities. It's diverse and intersectional. People speak freely and respectfully about their kinks and their identities. Members of the community do not use it as a dating or hookup service and instead treat it like a community for education and support. You see members supporting and emotionally engaging with each other at least as and preferably more often than flirting with each other. Many styles of polyamory and other styles of non-monogamy besides polyamory are recognized as valid and it's seen as an individual choice and a matter of personal exploration. Jealousy is treated as a normal human emotion, and it's not deserving of judgment or blame just like all the other emotions. Folks don't get pedantic or prescriptivist about definitions and terms. Folks accept criticism and admit their failures gracefully, apologize, and change their behavior. Boundaries are respected and understood. Folks are expressive and communicative about their relationships. Metamors have active friendships with each other or at least can carry friendly conversations with each other. Folks talk about going to therapy. Safer sex is an open and frequently discussed topic. And most importantly, you feel good, connected, and witnessed when you express yourself to the community.
Good luck, I've heard so many horror stories about toxic polyamory communities, but I've heard many more stories about people having wonderful experiences. There are lots of good communities out there, and I hope you find some of them.