Scared to be alone.
I was diagnosed with “Adjustment disorder with mixed anxiety and depressed mood.” it somehow rooted out when I was a kid. When my parents over nourished me. (Hindi talaga healthy ang “sobra”)
I was only child for the longest time (13 yrs to be exact). Yep, since only child lang ako I can get what I want. instantly. So when I wanted to play with someone (which is not that rare because I got cousins) I somehow tried my best to go with their terms. Typical kiddo lol. I mean I have the lutu-lutuan set, I allow them to be the tindera and I’ll just be the boring taga bili ng food and gumastos kuno ng play money. why? simple lang. as a kid they would normally play with me if they had the chance to play the role they want. and as a person na sabik sa kalaro I always agree. Kasi takot ako maging mag isa ulit.
Everytime I’m with people I love and everything feels perfect I’m scared that it will not happen again. It will not go back the way I see it.
I stayed with 8 fvcking yrs with someone that I thought I’m scared to not be with. Im scared to let him go because I feel like no one would make me happy the way he did. (spoiler alert. I got better off without him. I made myself happier). I did agree with all his terms in life why? because mas takot ako sa idea na mawala siya. Takot ako sa change na yon. Tinanggap ko lahat ng kababuyan niya (which resulted to TRAUMA hays) para lang mag stay siya. But ending.. nawala din. and it sucks because I feel like I’m always the problem. I did something that’s why nawala siya/sila.
I hate it when someone ghosting me. I thought marupok ako kasi baka attached na ako agad sa kanila. pero yung totoo I’m not. Im just comfortable with their presence tas biglang mawawala ng walang warning (WHICH IS NOT GOOD FOR ME CAUSE BITCH SLOW BURN NGA AKO SA AJUSTMENTS DIBA) so I always think na WHAT THE FUUURK IS WRONG WITH ME as if I did something bad to them. It was draining to the point I feel the exact pain when I broke up with my ex. It was so frustrating as fuck (but mas mabilis mag recover). Nakakarecover ako agad kasi nga SLOW BURN yung pag adjust ko, kaya ko naman ng wala sila pero mas mabagal lang ako mag process.
When my friedns treat me differently napapansin ko yon even on the smallest changes. It frustrates me. Ayaw na niya sakin? may mas tropa na siya? ah ganon. HAHAHA see? I’m that needy and it annoys me for the longest time lalo na nung di ko pa alam yung diagnosis sakin. I remember when I was in HS lilibre ko talaga aports ko just to be with me. (kuripot nako ngayon eh) Alam mo yun parang lahat ng pabor willing ako iadjust kasi nga takot ako mawala sila sa buhay ko and may instances na masakit sa part kong Im not that special to them (PERO YUN NGA DI NAMAN PALA. IBA LANG TALAGA KO MAG ISIP).
It was hard to deal with it kasi even on the smallest detail ramdam ko o alam ko na may nag bago. And it sucks beh kasi lagi akong takot. Takot maramdaman ng paulit ulit yung pain (anxious yarn) na may mawawala sakin. and most of the time nangyayare naman yun (which im not in control dun). I have to adapt na oo mahirap pero that how life works. People come and go. Make you happy now but disappear whenever they want. I should stop focusing on the things that I cannot control. I should also not really give everything para wag lang sila umalis sa buhay ko. I should also give my own terms. Yep I should stop adjusting for others.
For the longest time ang salitang ginagamit ko is “TAKOT” that leads to feeling of hopelessness while I can use the work MAHIHIRAPAN that helps you feel na you’ll struggle but it will be worth it in the end. You’ll finish it strong. :)
