So @rocketoo7 and I had a chat and agreed that there is just not enough fanfiction of River Song kicking ass in hand to hand combat. So here you are, literally just River fighting off bad guys and the Doctor & Fam watching adoringly/terrified/a little horny. Recreating this awesome bad ass scene from the most recent episode of Star trek: Discovery because, you know, Georgiou and River have the same BDE. Writing action is hard so I sort of did this as a quick exercise to practice, it's no great work of genius but it was fun. Anyway, enjoy! :D
Ship: River/13
Rating: T (I guess?)
Word Count: 1600
AO3
Negotiation
“So what’s the plan, Doc…“ Graham asked as the Fam crowded together behind the Doctor. The were in a sort of bar in the far-flung reaches of the galaxy. What had been meant to be a lovely walking tour ending with a pint at the pub, had turned into a bit of an unfortunate situation that involved guns and a band of bandits wanting to steal the TARDIS.
“Working on it…“ The Doctor retorted drawing herself to full height attempting to shield her friends from the guns pointed at them.
“You always say words beat guns, this would be a great moment to prove that theory.“ Yaz quipped.
“I suggest you show us to your ship.“ The bandit leader, an unpleasant looking fellow with greasy hair, said.
“Well, that wouldn’t be much use because you wouldn’t be able to fly her.“ The Doctor retorted, trying to reason.
“That’s our concern, not yours.“ He shot back, annoyed at her back-chat. “Get a move on.“ He pointed towards the door of the bar.
“Why would we show you to our ship when you want to steal it and leave us stranded?“ Ryan asked.
“Because you want to live.“ The bandit snarled.
“Living, yes, big fan of living, maybe we can come to some sort of arrangement where we just, you know, drop you off somewhere along the way?“ The Doctor intervened, trying her best to sound positive.
Suddenly there was a discharge of energy, like a flash of lightning but it wasn’t a shot as the Doctor had expected.
“Did I interrupt a critical moment of diplomacy?“ River Song looked around the room at the shocked faces all round, immediately guns were pointed at her and ignoring that fact, she gave a little wave to her wife who seemed frozen to the spot.
“How did you get in here?“ The leader of the bandits barked at her.
“Oh you know, just your standard vortex manipulator, cheap and nasty time travel but it’ll do in a pinch. And when one’s wife is being held at gunpoint? It makes for a great entrance.“ River retorted in amusement and winked at the Doctor who shook off the initial shock.
“Did she just say wife?“ Yaz asked and exchanged confused glances with Ryan and Graham. They had seen a lot of things travelling with the Doctor but having someone teleport into the middle of a stand off claiming to be the Doctor’s wife… that was new.
“You know her?“ The bandit leader looked back to the Doctor.
“Ah well, see you got yourself into a bit of a tiff now. That my friend River…“ The Doctor caught River’s affronted glance and corrected herself. “And when I say friend, I mean wife, and unlike me doesn’t mind hurting people, shouldn’t like that, kinda do…“ She shrugged giving her wife a little wink.
“Glad to see some things never change.“ River smirked.
“Well, you know I like a bad girl, me.“ The Doctor grinned.
“You can show me just how much when we’re done here.“ River retorted smoothly.
“Are you flirting?“ The bandit leader interrupted, annoyed at being ignored.
“Sorry, it’s been a while. She was a white hair scotsman last time we met. Back to you, you were saying?“ River turned to the bandits almost patronisingly. She was already formulating a plan. There was seven bandits in total… shouldn’t be too difficult.
“I want that device.“ He pointed to her vortex manipular.
“When I say, you hide behind the bar, okay?“ The Doctor spoke softly and turned to the Fam. They nodded uneasily, before returning their attention to the face off between the mystery woman and the bandits.
“Hand it over.“ He insisted.
“What, this?“ River lifted her wrist that the vortex manipulator was strapped to.
“Hand it over or you die.“ All guns were on her now.
“I don’t respond well to threats.“ She shook her head disapprovingly.
“And I don’t respond well to surprises.“ He squared his jaw.
“Oh, then you’re gonna hate this.“ River smirked and gave the chair next to her a kick, knocking it right into him, knocking him over.
“Now, Fam, right now, take cover.“ The Doctor exclaimed and Ryan, Yaz and Graham didn’t need to be told twice, they dove behind the bar and watched the mystery women swipe her arm across a nearby table throwing glasses at the men coming towards her. They turned from the flying splinters guarding their eyes just long enough for River to grab a bottle and smash it over the closest attacker’s head knocking him out. She ducked an oncoming punch and rammed her knee into another bandit’s gut.
“Okay, who the hell is she, Doctor?“ Yaz exclaimed watching the scene in front of them in shock.
“Long story, people usually need a flow chart…“ The Doctor retorted, looking on uneasily and admiringly in equal measures.
River ducked a blast and threw herself into the shooter, she knocked his arm with the gun up and smashed her elbow against his temple. As he fell to the floor she kept hold of his arm and took the gun, shooting a man coming at her from the right.
“See, boys, when you let me have a gun, things are almost over.“ She taunted with a smirk. She jumped onto the edge of a table to her left flipping it over, knocking out another bandit with the other half of the table flipping upwards. She landed and steadied herself from the little stunt when someone lunged at her from behind and put her in a headlock, forcing her to drop her gun. She rammed her elbow into his stomach, then knocked her head backwards into his face. He let go groaning in pain. Probable a broken nose, nothing too serious. Behind her, the lead bandit pulled his gun on her. She whirled around pulling the man with the broken nose in front of her and used him as a shield. He took two of his boss’s shots before he stopped firing. River grabbed a hunting knife that was strapped to the bandit that was limp in her arms now and threw it, catching the bandit leader in the shoulder. He let out a strangled cry of pain and dropped his weapon. Plenty of time for River to drop the dead bandit and pick up her gun again.
“Oh mate, that was like stealing sweets from a child.“ She grinned slightly out of breath as she headed towards him.
“River!“ The Doctor shouted as one of the others slowly got back to their feet but River was ahead of her. She only half turned to fire, she barely looked, but struck them down. The leader of the bandits scrambled for his weapon but River stepped on his wrist and held the gun to his head.
“Remind me. What was your negotiating position again?“ She asked in amusement.
“I think he got your point.“ The Doctor drew her attention as she got up from behind the bar, all the other men were either dead or unconscious.
“Did he? Because my finger is rather itchy.“ River chuckled.
“You bitch.“ The bandit leader spat.
“Sounds to me like he hasn’t learned his lesson.“ She stepped off his hand but only to deliver a kick to the side of his head and knock him over.
“I’m going to hunt you down. You’re gonna wish you died here when…“ He groaned in pain.
“Spare me the empty promises, that implies you’re gonna walk out of here alive.“ River pointed the gun at his head.
“River.“ The Doctor tried to get her attention.
“Not now Sweetie.“ River huffed.
“I really think you’ve made your point.“ The Doctor insisted more firmly.
“You’re no fun at all.“ River sighed and used the hilt of the gun to knock him unconscious.
“That was…“ Ryan didn’t really have words. They looked around the room taking in the destruction. Broken glass, thrown over tables and chair, seven grown men flat out. River meanwhile pocketed the gun. It would be a nice addition to her collection and a lovely memento of this trip.
“Fam, meet Professor River Song.“ The Doctor grinned as River walked up to join them. The three of them didn’t know what to say. There was a lot of information they had yet to process.
“You’re welcome.“ River smirked.
“That was… quite the safe. Very impressive.“ The Doctor had to admit as she came to a halt in front of her.
“Oh, you were watching?“ River smile innocently.
“Very carefully.“ The Doctor couldn’t help but admit.
“I bet you were.“ River smirked.
“Worked up a bit of a sweat haven’t you. You look a bit flustered.“ The Doctor observed, brushing back her curls a little.
“In my defence, so do you.“ She replied in amusement, running her hand along the Doctor’s coat collar.
“Right, okay, we get it.“ Yaz interrupted the flirting, unable to watch any longer. “Beating up bad guys is a turn on. Now, can we get out of here before they wake up?“
“Wouldn’t want me to have to do it again, would we.“ River sighed and winked at the Doctor who blushed.
“Let’s go back to the TARDIS.“ The Doctor agreed and they crossed the room, stepping over the bandits.
“So, what sort of a professor are you?“ Graham asked trying his best to sound casual and ignore the destruction all round.
“Archeology.“ River replied cheerfully. “Love a tomb.“
