Self-Loathing
Written with @ChosenDarkened
Mary: *I just arrived back home and parked my car near the fountain. Turning off the engine, I took a deep relieving breath and relaxed in my seat for a moment. The weight lifted from my shoulders knowing that #SafePlace would be in good hands for a while.
I stepped out in the cool air of the night and made my way up the steps of the manse and entered the first chamber and looked up into the video monitor to be let into the inside. I was relieved to be home for a few weeks before returning to work.*
Layla: *I’d been back a couple of days, I think, when I was told I could finally have a visitor. I was hoping for my daughter but knew that would be far-fetched. I knew it could be no-one else that I’d been very close to as they were gone. This room is lit and I’ve had good care given to my external wounds but it still is a prison. It’s the same size as the one the Omega kept me in just light whereas his prison for me was always dark. My eyes still sting with how bright it is sometimes. Wish there was a dimmer switch in here, that’d be nice.
I’ve started knitting again, I’m better this time around than I was during my pregnancy. It keeps me busy and isn’t as mind-numbing as the tv can be. Although sometimes being numb in my mind has its place, like when I’m supposed to sleep but I can’t because of the nightmares. I haven’t told anyone about them, there seems to be something more important going on at the moment and I won’t take from that. I need to feed desperately, the headaches are swirling but I keep quiet. The last time I complained I was beaten and I won’t do that again. No, it wasn’t by my family but the Omega and his goons. I guess it’s still ingrained to keep silent.
I miss companionship, I miss my young. I’m so sad yet so angry at all I’ve lost that I may never have again. I feel so guilty over my loved ones that were lost, even my son whom I never got to know. Because of me, he’s gone. As is Xcor. I need the thoughts to stop, maybe I should have just died. I grab my knitting and begin to knit another item with fervor, using it to avoid more thinking*.
Mary: *One of the doggens allowed me inside the manse, and I looked around and admire, once again, the beautiful foyer with the apple tree. Though it has been almost 100 years since I first arrived in this manse as a dying human … the beauty of what Darius created still floored me.
Just as I was taking off my coat, I get a text on my phone. Looking down at my phone, I find a text from Nalla, that Layla had been found and is in the medical suite. Mary Mother of God, she’s been found. Over the years the family had to assume that she may have died after being taken. It was the lesser of two evils. With Lyric and her, both being found … makes me wonder how they had both survived for as long as they had. I quickly dropped all my stuff on the foyer table and knew the doggen would later bring it up to my room regardless if I ask them not to … normally I would do it myself, but I needed to get to the medical suite.
I go down the long corridor underneath the manse and enter the code to get through the supply closet and into the office and through the door into the hallway. I quietly walked past the rooms and leaned into the windows until I found the one I wanted and knocked quietly.*
Layla: *I hear a soft knock on my door and figuring it’s Manny I tell them to come in. When I see the female who enters I take a deep breath. “Mary.” I say softly. My emotions are twirling once again as I see the face of a friend I didn’t think I’d ever see again.
She asks if she can enter and I tell her yes. She looks as shocked as me, she must have thought me dead like everyone else. Instinct has me getting up and heading over to hug her but I pull back at the last minute. I’m not sure she wants a hug from me. This awkwardness is new but I suppose not unusual.
“Ummmm do you want to sit down?” I head back to the bed and sit, not sure what else to do with myself at that particular moment. I don’t know if Mary is here to renew our friendship or was asked to come and check on my mental health. Probably the latter if I’m being honest with myself. I start to fidget, my nerves are taking over. I look at her then down to my lap where my fingers are twiddling. I take a deep breath, look at her and say, “So, long time no see.”
Mary: *I went up to the bed and gently gave her a hug. She looked the same but not the same. She was so thin, clearly haven’t been able to feed properly or refresh back at the Sanctuary that many of the Chosen choose to do. Taking her hands into mine, I sit on the bed.*
It has been a very long time. I am blessed by the Scribe Virgin to still be alive to have this moment with you. How are you feeling? Do you need to call for food or something to drink?
*The last thing I would do is to ask her what happened to her over these years. She can talk about that when she was damn ready. Clearly, it was traumatic and she couldn’t escape until now, otherwise, she would have been home sooner. The last thing she needed was to talk about it now. I need to steer our conversation to other things, more pleasant.*
Actually, if you feel up to it and its medically approved, why don’t we go into the kitchen. I haven’t eaten since First Meal. I can make you something. You craving anything? *Thinking quickly about what she may have missed.* How about pancakes? Or waffles?
*The doggen are used to me tinkering around in the kitchen to feed Rhage, Bitty and myself. Hopefully, they won’t go berserk if I cook for Layla. I’ll send them to clean the car if I need to, to keep them busy without them hovering over us.*
Layla: *Waffles sound awfully good. It’s been a while since I’ve had more than protein shakes and the occasional peanut butter sandwich. I would love to see the house again too.
Manny gives us the go-ahead as long as Mary stays with me so we head through the hallway, the doors, and out into the main hall. The apple tree is just as magnificent and lovely as I remember. I smile at Mary, “it feels good here. Thanks for bringing me back in here.” We head for the kitchen where the doggen starts to fuss about but Mary says a couple of words to them and they bow and head out the door.
“Can I help?” I don’t like feeling worthless and it’s in my nature to help but Mary points to the chair and tells me to sit for now. I ask her where Fritz is as I haven’t seen him hovering about and he is usually the first one to one of us. I also ask about her hellren and daughter.
I know some of the answers will not be happy but I need to start getting to know my family again somewhere. I’ve missed so much; all I want is to see them, hug them, and find Xcor and my son.
As we talk, Mary is cooking up a storm. I think she forgot it's me and not her hellren she’s cooking for! “Mary … there is no way I can eat all of that!” She laughs and says Rhage will finish the leftovers, which I know is the truth. It feels good to laugh a bit.
After we eat Mary takes me on a walk around the premises, both inside and outside, so I can reacclimate myself a bit. I know I will be in the medical suite for a bit longer but it’s still nice to feel like I belong again. We continue to walk and talk about trivial things. I finally say, “are you going to ask me why I’m still alive?”
Mary: *I talked about Rhage and Bitty for a bit when Layla asked. I also made more food than both she and I could eat but I tended to cook for my hellren Rhage and I knew he would finish whatever I cooked. Plus the manse was filled with family so the food would get eaten.
It was nice to talk about my family and we laughed a bit. We finished our meal and we started walking around the manse, not much has changed over the years. We tended to keep whatever Darius created unless something became broken and needed to be replaced. We always tended to replace it with an exact replica where we could.
While we intermittently talked about ordinary things, she finally seemed to want to talk about what happened to her.*
Are you ready to talk about it? I know that it couldn’t have been easy for you. What happened after the SUV crashed?
Layla: *I sigh heavily realizing I have to draw on memories I’ve sworn not to relive ever. I sit down on a bench in the hallway and start wringing my hands. I’m praying that I can hold the tears back as I retell what I can remember of that night.
Lessers, more than I thought were still around came out of nowhere. We crashed trying to get around them. No one wanted to fight them while young were in the SUV. After the crash, the lessers tore into the doors and the males had no choice but to fight to protect Lyric and I. I felt so helpless. Qhuinn told me to run and keep running til I could demat out of there. I tried but the lessers were everywhere and when I hid behind a tree to take a breath, they caught up to me. I screamed, Lyric cried for Qhuinn. She was clinging to me as I tried to get away but there were too many. I saw Qhuinn coming our direction, I know he heard Lyric crying for him but he didn’t get to us. They took him down. I never saw Phury or what happened to him. Qhuinn though… <I hiccup as the tears pour down my face.> When they started stabbing him, the look on his face, Lyric crying. I crumbled and I’m so ashamed. My heart broke into a million pieces as I waited for the Fade to come my way.
<I wipe the tears away.> The lessers tore Lyric from me and gave me an ultimatum. Follow them and stay with my daughter or die with the warriors. I went, I didn’t want to die and I didn’t want to live without my child. I felt like that part in Sophie’s Choice where she had to choose a child. If I died then my young lost both parents. If I stayed with Lyric, then I had hope that one day I’d be reunited with my son.
However, the Omega was waiting and talking about a plan to create a new strain of lessors more powerful than before. He promised I could see and tend to Lyric and I believed him. My room, in the Omega’s lair, was small and dark. Light was never allowed. The only voices I ever heard were from lessors who came to chuck food under the door. Protein bars are what they fed me, usually once a week. Occasionally, a bit of human blood just so I didn’t die on them or some of the Omega’s blood if they were mad at me. They took blood too on occasion, but I was never told what it was all for and I didn’t ask. The one time I did, I was punished severely by the Omega and his forelesser. <Shivers run down my spine recalling their brand of punishment.> Anytime I spoke up too much, I was punished. Nails, hammers, whips, anything they had around that they thought would be fun.
I WAS A FOOL Mary!!! <I yell the pain out/> I should NEVER have believed him but I was blinded by fear and anguish and who knows what else. He took my daughter from me, hell … he took both my young from me. I was a traitor, a coward. <I hung my head low hating myself and my weakness.> I deserve to be tossed out into the sun but I NEED to see Lyric. I need to see her face and know she’s alright. <Sighs> I know Wrath and the Brothers need answers and I’m ready to help however I can. It’s time ….
Mary: *My heart went out to Layla and pain echoed hers as I thought of Qhuinn and Phury. Everyone in the household died that day, especially Blay and Cormia, along with Zsadist, his twin. It took years before the household felt remotely normal again. Then too soon after with Queen Beth, Fritz, Craeg, Tohr then Butch. And now? With the loss of Rehv, Blay, Novo and Baldassare … it felt hollow and empty. So many losses in this one century compared to all the others. We have added to our ranks but it will never fill the void that all the others left behind.
I hugged Layla as she cried and decided she needed to tell Wrath everything that happened all those years ago and since then. Hopefully, any details that The Brotherhood could use to find the Omega’s location and she needed to know what happened with the family too. These will not be the last tears either of us shed today.*
I think it may be time to go see Wrath, he needs to know everything and we all need to talk about it all. I also didn’t want to make Layla live through it over and over again. She’s been through enough. *It made me wonder if Lyric needed to attend as well. Though I’m not sure what we should put them in a room together yet. Perhaps I can get it recorded for her to see later. I needed to ask V. I quickly sent out some texts and confronted Layla until she calmed enough to go to Wrath’s office and repeat her story. This needed to be handled delicately.*
Layla: *The tears slow down as Mary comforts me. I needed that comfort in that moment. She’s right, it’s time to talk to Wrath. I don’t want to repeat myself more than necessary. The memories hurt too damn much.
“Do what you need to do Mary to set things up with Wrath and anyone else that wants to attend. It does need to be put out there for everyone to know. Hopefully, it eases hearts a little bit, knowing what happened. I’m going to go rest for a little while. Just knock when you are ready for me to talk to Wrath. Whatever’s needed Mary, I’m there.”