so while i still feel like shit and my life still feels like a dumpster fire, i’m doing much better than i was october-february. SO MUCH BETTER.
i no longer need copious amounts of caffeine to stay awake. yes i still drink the lovely bitter bean juice because i love it, but i got rid of the red bulls and the constant all-day-long consumption of coffee. AND i’m not drinking nearly as much alcohol (mostly because drunk me tends to have very negative thoughts about myself and i don’t like that headspace) as i was then. i’ve started running and i actually ENJOY IT which is fucking nuts. i’ve kind of started reading again (but i’m trigger shy to actually admit that out loud to anyone) and i have ideas for stories again. finally.
yes, i haven’t really jumped full-force into work yet and that’s something i’ll tackle in september. yes, i still have to move house. and yes, i still have a lot of relearning-shit-about-me and accepting-of-who-i-am to do. but at least my habits are getting better and i have periods when i DON’T think that my life is awful. which is incredible.
i desperately and painfully miss russia and my family from there, but moving back home and quitting that job situation was the correct move and i’m glad i did it.