#it's erwin

[just-another-alter-blog]

it's so lonely having DID and having to mask who you are as an alter. my friends and family don't know me even though I talk with them all the time. we've known each other for years, but they don't know that. they don't know baby blue is my favourite colour. they don't know I love autumn and cozy sweaters. they don't know I suffer with debilitating guilt that eats me at night. they don't know I'm a man. they don't even know my name. they call me something different, talk to me about my interests and emotions and experiences, but those aren't mine. they belong to another part of us, but not me. and I can't explain that, so I just nod along with it whenever we hang out or text. I feel invisible. stuck in a life that isn't mine unable to ever have true relationships with people who see me as how I see myself. these are my dearest friends, but they don't even know me

[chemicalcarousel]

Yeah, I'm a fictional introject alter 😎 I'm kinda like if your favourite character was real, but instead of being all cool and hot I'm pathetic and not like that character at all actually sorry to disappoint 😔

[just-another-alter-blog]

Age is very weird when you got a complex dissociative disorder

I am physically 28, but internally, I see myself as a man in my late 30s, but also I formed as an alter when we were 18 or so and then I went dormant for most of our 20s, so even though I identify as older than the rest, I almost feel like I'm the youngest. I feel awkward and insecure like I was when I stumbled through the last part of high school as a misdiagnosed neurodivergent person who was bullied and mocked for "being weird". I feel like a teenage girl even if I internally see myself as a man nearing 40. I was formed by the brain of a high schooler and since I went dormant for almost a decade, I kinda didn't mature in many ways. It's especially weird being an introject and feeling this special type of shame around not being as capable as your source. I am not some strong man, who can handle intense stress. I'm essentially a traumatised child playing pretend. I'm holding on to so much shame and guilt for being such a poor excuse of an adult person. I feel so anxious and wrong for just existing - just like I, or we, did back when I split off

I'm still trying to get used to our current life as a 28 year old living alone away from our abusers, and hopefully I will feel more mature as I process my trauma and forgive my past self. But as of now, I am basically a 38 year old man in a 28 year old body with the mind of an 18 year old neurodivergent girl from 2014

[just-another-alter-blog]

I am a bunny btw ^_^

[chemicalcarousel]

Started getting sad about our parents being so much happier now we're out of their lives on our way home yesterday and heard the other alters go "shut up stop thinking about this now we are on a bus" 😭😭😭😭

[just-another-alter-blog]

Good things about not being dormant: strawberry milkshake 🍓🥛💕

Bad things about not being dormant: flashback flashback flashback flashback

[just-another-alter-blog]

Not me typing out a question and having to continuously delete how I'm constantly apologising for asking a simple question 😭

[just-another-alter-blog]

Ok so I know my role is technically a "self hate holder", but that does NOT feel good to see spelled out on our system tracking app ok that's deleted now thank you very much!!!