Had my heart ultra sound this morning to make sure i don't have any damage to my heart. It hurt through part of it, like the sternum and up right area. It was extremely uncomfortable for me to have someone, a stranger none the less, in that area. I was covered with a towel, but still, i got through it. Its done, and its one step closer to figuring out whats going on. Its real but its not real, idk if any of this will ever fully seem real or make sense to me. I've had so many people get sick in my life, and I've had so many people die, that you'd think i would know i was not invincible. Its like its a bad dream, a night terror. Moments of feeling suffocated, like someones on my chest or in my lungs, and no matter how deep or smooth of a breath i take, its still there. Like I'm a rag doll in the clunches of an enraged three year old. Its like theres water, thick water, and when i try to swim to the top, the water gets deeper, and colder....except now i see a boat on the surface, now i hear someone trying to calm the three year old. Throwing ropes, sending divers, i just have to hold on for a bit longer, i have to fight just a little bit harder, i have to search inside myself for strength i have thought to be long gone. Its scarey because idk how much is there, but i know its there. There's a flame left in me, it may take a bit, but soon I'll be fire storm i use to be. #jessicajeantheganjaqueen #chronicpain #chronicillness #neurondisorders #neurologicaldisorders #fighter #survivor #itcanhappentoanyone #yourbodyisyourtemple #hearthealth #health
