#ithinkimlosingit

[missbowkimjinju]

When @choicemusicla comes with you to work, you the best!! #ithinkimlosingit #imlosingtoarug #whoknowswhatthatsfrom https://www.instagram.com/p/B_Rk27OgUPF/?igshid=1c0zuk4bfv6cu

[patric-in-a-teapot]

we are watching finding dory together and dreaming of the ocean 🐠🐡🐟 #findingdory #crazyfishlady #goldfish #aquarium #ithinkimlosingit

[itssarawithouth]

“She sits besides me like a silhouette” #ithinkimlosingit

[anarchistfangirl]

Here's another one of my memes of #kidsadultslegends . FYI I'm Legend 😂 #madeameme #thisisfun #makingmemes #memelover #imcrazyiknow😂 #imhopeless #ithinkimlosingit #faltugiri😂 #positivevibesonly💯 (at Mumbai, India)

[anarchistfangirl]

Satyavachan he mere dost! #feelingcrazy😜 #weekendvibes #weekendmusings✌🏻️ #saturdaythings😊 #ithinkimlosingit #kthxbye✌🏽️ (at Mumbai, India)

[simmynike]

Till death, my engine shall rev. #KTM #RCSG #ithinkimlosingit #ridersforlife

[journeywithmaybelen]

cleaning out my head

I think I have an addiction.

it feels crazy just saying it. Its like I have this need to escape this reality and dive into someone else's life. Whether it is reading or watching a show, I find myself overly involved with the characters. When they experience heart ache it feels like my heart was the one being shattered. But I guess that's every author's goal, to portray their characters in a realistic way where the readers can relate. 

Idk, this feels like something more, like something huge I need to

It feels like something more though. I know there are underlying issues.  My life feels like its been hit with every bullet that's been fired. No matter what aspect I look at, it all seams broken, damaged and shattered. 

Its not that I enjoy feeling like that, I just don't know what to do. There are so many things that are wrong I don't know where to start. So the pressure just breaks me, its too much. The only way I can feel happy and normal is to dive into a good book or even a crappy show.

This kind of makes me look like a mess. Like someone who is scattered and doesn't have her life together but that's not really how it is.

More often than not I do everything that I have to do. I over plan my future, I stay organized, my relationship with God is strong along with my relationships with my friends and family ( well, sometimes).

But then comes a time when I am forced to be Idl. Where school is closed and I am between jobs. When I am forced to spend 24/7 with myself. Just getting to know my inner thoughts. Thats when the confusion and the doubts begin. My relationships get over analyzed and I come to the conclusion that I can't really trust noone. That they don't care about our friendship so why should I? I get tired of helping everyone and start to think about what they've done for me? What do I get out of this? While I help them become their best selves, I am left behind.

The worse thing about being in this state is that I lose that connection with God. During the rough times he is all that I need, But it seems like that is when he's the hardest to reach.. Or maybe thats when its the hardest for me to reach out to him. Its hard to remember that he is always in the same place, he doesn't move away from me. It is I who choses to create that gap and put a wall in between us.

Even if it is me, its just that there are so many doubts in my head... more like questions. I don't want to doubt his presence in my life. I don’t want to doubt his existence or his work but It is so hard not to when we are living in such a secular world. 

I think I just answered my own question. It is hard to make connections with god when living in a secular world. When my daily life is full of unGodly things.it just seems like that is where I find peace nowadays. Listening to he soothing voice of beyonce and john legend all my thoughts seem to die down. Watching Mistresses makes me forget about the thoughts in my head and my problems and be consume by their silly drama that seems to never end.

I don’t know... I really don't know.

well, okay I do know how to fix it but its something that I can't see myself doing.

I know i should focus on God. Read  more! Pray more! and the answers will come to me. But then I think about everything else my life is too hectic to start with God right? maybe I need to get myself together. Reorganize my room, clean out my pinterest, get fit! then I will be ready for him.

 I know I know! god wants me as I am.  But it doesn’t feel enough. Maybe I should just organize my room. No more netflix, maybe I could indulge in music. Blast my period playlist and clean my room. Maybe then I will be ready. Maybe then I can clean out my head.