#itiswhatitwas

[predoom]

if i have timed this right, my posts that were posted immediately before this are all entries from an archive of pw's old blogs, itiswhatitwas.livejournal.com. many of these pw journal entries are not in the masterdocs for whatever reason, including that most of them are from his ohoneohone livejournal, which has just not been well recorded.

all of the entries on itiswhatitwas were posted at exactly midnight on july 23 and july 24, 2013. many of them are beneath a content warning cut on livejournal, so they can't be properly saved in the wayback machine. because they can't be archived that way, i have copied and pasted them, unaltered in content, into these tumblr text posts, which are all tagged with "itiswhatitwas" and which, alongside this explanatory post, i will be saving in the wayback machine (and as always my internet archive list).

i believe the posts are in reverse chronological order, the same order they appear on itiswhatitwas, but because they were all posted at the stroke of midnight, i am not 100% sure they were actually posted in that order. but regardless, i think these do all have dates within the text of the posts themselves.

idk who itiswhatitwas is, but thank you thank you thank you. it was like christmas for me to find these after many, many fruitless searches. thank you.

directory: 731 286 3654 3969 4304 4563 803 1234 1481 1606 1864 2059 2542 2724 3033 3165

[siempre-carolina]

𝕾𝖊 𝖒𝖎𝖗𝖔́ 𝖆𝖑 𝖊𝖘𝖕𝖊𝖏𝖔...𝖄 𝖛𝖎𝖔 𝖖𝖚𝖊 𝖊𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕭𝖚𝖊𝖓𝖔𝖙𝖆 ❤️‍🔥 . . . #newchapter #taurusseason #dirty30 #itcoststolivelikethis #farwelltomy20s #aginglikefinewine #glowingthroughit #itiswhatitwas #♉️ #birthday #1992 #blessed https://www.instagram.com/p/CddvXJ8FRQW/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[predoom]

ohoneohone

Sunday, October 9th, 2005 7:38 pm sometimes its hard to remember the great moments. but you remember everything to a detail the moment everything goes wrong. your ims are crazy: i am still not dead or married. im bringing home on the road.

silly. never ccccchhhhange. 12:12 pm you could almost make me an honest man. what i have spent the weekend thinking:

good friends in nyc sometimes my eyes are red and green but not like christmas. just kind of a mess. even when the worlds underwater you're rowing in my wet dreams. everything you know about me is totally wrong because it comes from choruses and camera flashes. you come in flashes in the middle of the night or in the morning. fix me in fourtyfive. everything she thinks you know about me is totally wrong because i can't say anything i mean ever. i say things just to hurt you. i get the job done but it doesn't look pretty. Saturday, October 8th, 2005 12:24 am you win some, you lose some sometime you wake up in the morning and everything is just different. moodcontroller gets turned off. probably on by someone else. the bottom of my pants are wet from running through puddles. the streets of albany got let in on some of my secrets. swoon. its weird how when you stand next to the sun you cant notice anything else. then the lights go out and all of a sudden there is beauty everywhere. im always too little, too late. one day everyone finds something they can hang on to. the bottom line is im all wishes and luck. and thats how its always been. in the tides of the streets. dreaming about beautiful babies. with batting eyelashes and huge eyes. we were never supposed to know. im the golden boy. you are my golden ticket. but the tides always going out. and two months turns into two years. in the blink of an eye. youre never home. the stars look the same from the gutter. pens running low just to keep up with the tolerance. ive got big plans for new years. and thats a way off but its the only way to keep my mind off of the way things go. just know "you're not the lifeforce" pete and thats what keeps heartsbeating at night. i only thought you were someone else. a simple case of mistaken identity. romantic fraud. new york city. im always on.

Wednesday, October 5th, 2005 4:40 pm hateitorloveit-theunderdogisbackontop sickest afterparty in newyorkcity. hopefully i can fly a friend or two in so i dont hide out in the corners all night. nick thinks my lj entries have been kinda wack lately. i can't say i dont agree. i am a total baby. but not a baby like usher sings about. we're making some super sick limited bartskull nikes. im tired as usual. rumor of the day: i pretty much only like sxe girls. you make me laugh too much with the stuff that gets written on the internet sometimes. my life is radical sometimes. maybe ill really update this later. i dont even know. congratulations to panic at the disco for having the sickest first week numbers ever. that band is the new everything. late at night thats pretty much what i have to listen to or i dont feel okay. this morning i got a strange phonecall to end a strange dream. bane.

Tuesday, October 4th, 2005 9:22 pm "someday we'll be nostalgic for this second..." im tired. red thread. baby blues. im a mess. lovable, not that likeable. lemme hum you a sweet one. i know ive been in a rut. the underdogs back on top. im writing this story. but i wouldnt bet on the ending. sometimes this thing has become too big to even think about. but sometimes i wake up in the morning and it feels like something is missing. youknowyouknow.

6:57 pm

the secret to my suckcess pinchme. dear friends, you let me fall off. i forgive you though. if you forgive me. i am out of my head. me and nick have cooked up the sickest idea ever. i am writing a movie with patrick. my tummy hurts most of the time. major disappointment, reporting for duty. wtf. sometimes OMG! i heart the drama. sometimes OMG! i do not. like emeralds just past the sun- green but not the sick inside more like the film warming up to you. the camera is waking up. little boys and girls- get up. the trouble has lifted. youre gonna be okay. "tell me that you're alright". i like wearing your clothes. they are like a bulletproof vest. mostly i miss my friends and chicago. i want to bring you all out on the road.

"...idonthavetobethekingoftheworld, as long as im..."

peace out. i need to take a nap and eat some icecream. i bought nicholas scimeca a present. im tired. act suprised, even if you're not. fake the words. say i love you hard like you hate me. Saturday, October 1st, 2005 4:48 pm life on mars by david bowie reminds me of you the dreams i have for me are just for us. i am not sure i even know what this means. the pros and con are the same. legs tangled. its the kid you loved forever. i got a feeling what they're all saying. under the spotlight you think about the inside of wedding rings. in dark bunks you think about the inside of zippers. make me yours. make me come to life. honestly. black hair and batted eyelashes. dont give up im not sure where this is all going. right on reds and at altars. thinking about the way you are with the little pudgy boy. im getting this sweet tat. she knows what im talking about.

[predoom]

ohoneohone

Saturday, January 14th, 2006 4:14 pm "noones ever been this good for this long" this is everything i am thinking right now with out transition. i apologize for my brains lack of linear thought processing: i hate the way it gets dark so early here this time of year. i guess "seasonal depression" kind of falls under "ADD" and "post tramatic whatever disorder" for me. i feel like its science from the madhatter down the rabbit hole. not too real. but lately i just wake up blue - my only thought is- how soon will the day be over so i can get back into bed. i open my eyes just a tiny bit and blur the numbers on the clock with my eyelashes. every word you say rolls off of my back - the praises and the barbs. i don't hear either, ever. sometimes the tips of my fingers itch from the back of my head- just to get the chance to tear someone to pieces and just barely let them off the hook. i swear to god, i was asleep alone. quick text me an alibi and oh god please don't dust the keyboard for prints. sometimes i stare out of the frosted window and make up stories as people walk by. the bottled blonde, park ave. princess walking whichever dog matches her coat. you know how i could turn your world upsidedown. its not love if a day goes by when you don't think about dropping it. its not the world keeping you on the outside, its you not wanting to be on the inside. everyone wants to be the first. buts its okay to be the second if you understand it better, if you make it look prettier. worn down doesn't even touch this. and theres nothing worse than when someone acts like they have you figured out, when you haven't even figured yourself out. nice boys don't write good stories or sing good songs. and his songs are boring. and his stories are just personal ads set to background music. i found the skeleton key for wedlock but i am holding off on telling her. on telling anyone for that matter. consistent inconsistency. thats all you ever have to remember and you'll do okay with me. dancers are always strippers. and paying their way through college is the BE VE. oh and hey pete do you remember the way the world used to trick you with fifty degrees in january and orange leaves in june? button your jacket tight, don't believe everything you read... don't even believe everything you wrote. i'm tired of always leaving. i'm tired of the way things always/never change. swim upstream until your gills bleed just because thats what genetic encoding commands. there aren't any trophies that are really worth it in the end. they can put you in a box when you are very young, so you'll be a pretty corpse but there are too many pages filled with too many words to lie beside you forever. intelligent design is the last great joke i heard. but honestly, no one will ever stay where i tell them, least of all the years. they keep moving. worlds greatest liar and how do you know i'm not lying when i tell you this right now? and thats coming from the king of one-liners. copy and pasted - long live the away message. kiss the monitor. fast asleep baby. Friday, January 6th, 2006 8:11 pm i am just a hot mess. i woke up to the feeling of myself throwing up today. pretty much put a damper on the entire day. i ate about 50 stomach pills and then threw them all up- it was a pretty color in the toilet. my toungue is black on the top right now. i am pretty sure thats a bad thing. i watched way too much gastinaeu (however you spell it) girls today. i think it made me sicker. it took me awhile to realize that they were mother and daughter and not sisters- but the mom is kinda hot in pissy kind of way. my mom is out of town so there was noone here to take care of me- my brother was around but hes pretty much always bongzilla'd. so i waited for back-up caretakers to arrive- one of them was busy cutting hair and the other has like a "real" job besides being dad.

the best part about vomitting alone in the morning is the way the bathroom tiles feel kinda cool in a pleasant way so i took a nap there for a bit. i want to see hostel tonight but the problem is all the vomitting- see its not that i mind so much its just what if i run into someone in my sicky gear and puke on them?

wow. i am glad i did this update. arent you?

im gonna leave the comments open cause i never do- just write down the first thing that comes into your mind when you see that reply button- heres mine:

i am just a hot mess. (989 Comments |Comment on this) Saturday, December 24th, 2005 9:57 pm blue christmas so i was sitting around this christmas. just kinda getting bummed out looking at the lights outside of shiny houses in my neighborhood and decided that it was time fall out boy gave somethng back. we decided to pick a cause that we feel is often overlooked- education of poor people in africa (specifically ethiopia). we feel like education is one of the most important building blocks in change- so after doing some research we found and organization that we felt really was doing it right: www.a-cet.org - this isn't some glossy amazing press piece it is doing something quietly to make a change- and we loved that. so we decided to put a couple of old and rare FOB and clandestine items up on ebay. here's the deal- if you dont see the link off of a fall out boy site than don't trust that it is us doing it- part two- keep bidding the more we can help the better. and three we will keep adding more items up here for a bit so keep checking back. they are all legitimate and endorsed by FOB and all items will come signed. happy bidding:

a clandestine shirt sample that was never made: http://cgi.ebay.com/never-produced-clandestine-shirt-sample-fall-out-boy_W0QQitemZ4812617551QQcategoryZ52473QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

breakdance not hearts shirt worn on big in 05 awards: http://cgi.ebay.com/clandestine-breakdance-not-hearts-shirt-fall-out-boy_W0QQitemZ4812615104QQcategoryZ52473QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

giant moonman pez dispenser given to nominees at the VMAs http://cgi.ebay.com/giant-VMA-moonman-pez-dispenser_W0QQitemZ4812612435QQcategoryZ52473QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

complete set of take this to your grave trading cards. including rare card: http://cgi.ebay.com/fall-out-boy-trading-card-lot-takethistoyourgrave_W0QQitemZ4812607828QQcategoryZ52473QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

new:

original bleach "i am the dream" shirt clandestine: http://cgi.ebay.com/original-bleach-clandestine-shirt-i-am-the-dream_W0QQitemZ4812798220QQcategoryZ52473QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

original secret order shirt http://cgi.ebay.com/secret-order-of-FOB-shirt-hyper-limited_W0QQitemZ4812800208QQcategoryZ52473QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

alternative press poster signed by entire band http://cgi.ebay.com/alternative-press-poster-fall-out-boy-limited_W0QQitemZ4812796786QQcategoryZ52473QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

spend your xmas cash... Thursday, December 8th, 2005 3:34 am last week i got to hold a baby orangatan (spelled completely wrong).

that was the best moment of my life.

ill try to find a picture.

try to imagine a regular baby, mixed with a puppy, mixed with the song "dont stop believin" by journey. Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005 12:59 am sometimes my own words dont suffice. "i hope that our few remaining friends give up on trying to save us i hope we come up witha fail-safe plot to piss off the dumb few that forgave us i hope the fences we mended fall down beneath their own weight and i hope we hang on past the last exit, i hope its already too late and i hope that the junkyard a few blocks from here someday burns down and i hope the rising black smoke carries me far away and i never come back to this town again. in my life i hope i lie and tell everyone you were a good wife and i hope you die. i hope we both die" Sunday, November 20th, 2005 1:36 pm sometimes its like never started sometimes it like its never gonna end

[predoom]

1/14/09

Wednesday, January 14, 2009 believersneverdie I am the love of my own life Broke my heart And Left myself twice Just can't stay away I'm gonna cheat death God can't stand it Keep a picture of dorian gray in my attic I'm an iceberg off being a dreamboat Sneak Thru bedroom windows til the day I die The last of the crusaders lving forever with his baby teeth The yarns of my life won't sew together right Say your prayers. I've made a religion of leaving you behind And I'm always tring to recover from the fog of a flight I'm early at being late and When wallstreet crashed I invested in a grave I was miscast to play the role of myself But I took it cos I needed the dime And I'll understudy ill understand me A secondhand account of stories that never happened And the good times were never Quite as good as we remember Pick up that guitar I dare you Ill shove it down your throat Crash I wanna hear my name before I hit the stage Crash I want out just before it gets too late Put the world on mute Don't look like much but I clean up good in a haircut and defamation suit They say you'll get ur reward in heaven but hell I want it now (When I can appreciate it) I have nothing to offer you but everything you don't need I was salivating the moment you began whimpering That's just my favorite mouth and my favorite sound "Can you hold for the next available operator?" There's enough sad to go around I love you so much I'm going to break you in places you didn't even know existed I'm only good at getting worse at being better Your so pretty when ur looking at him Behind closed doors am i the animal they say I am or have I been house broken? "You don't have to answer any of this" Leave it all unspoken Snap snap snap They'll catch us in a photograph Snap snap snap My heart will crush the electricity in your pants Could I look out into the crowd and andthink "you saved my life"

[predoom]

ohoneohone

Friday, November 11th, 2005 12:35 pm i won't tell a soul if you dont want me to. hearts between our knees sticking to summer sheets. Saturday, November 5th, 2005 4:59 pm keep me fast the way he runs his mouth its a wonder that i havent caught a flight home just for a second alone the way he runs my mouth makes me hate you just as much as him thank god i spend most of the daylight dreaming in wine colored beads the sun never caught me right when i was little i splash water on my face in sinks in green rooms like pinching yourself or trying to wash the miles off down a dark hotel hallway the finger prints in pink and blue like skin and veins i try to jump from the doorway to the bed so i dont leave footprints so i dont disturb the carpet like sand you want shyer eyes you want bigger "im sorry"s and regrets for things that i.Yo.u. did you want survivors in the wreckage you want flashlights in the cave you want second chances for second chances i loved everything about you that hurts your scars, your flaws, your not so subtle attempts at wit and irony that always fell a bit short and felt forced your insincerity, your imitation that you passed off as exploration your morning smile 3 year stand (off) her breathing is shallow she shakes whenever i get near- i guess its an occupational hazard its okay we dont have to talk. youre just a body. heaven sent and percoset. even though we're fading fast.... im sorry "pretty"- you were just a canary in a coal mine. Tuesday, November 1st, 2005 7:57 pm there are many things that i would like to say to you but i don't know how im not even too sure what goes on, especially in my own head. one second its one way and the next its another. i have a funny way of showing i care. but i do. i have to say it- halloween wasn't the same this year with out you. i i had the best time ever in southern california. but it wasn't really halloween with out you. and new years won't either. my calls go out today but they'renot picked up. i get what i get. i got some friends who are wearing their egos on their sleeves. its ok. i'll play dumb. you are a shadow of who you once were. "can we start agains" ive had my share. for the past month my mood has been however our phone calls ended. it felt like i was dying inside when i hung up the phone on you. but i have to make a point. you can only act like dirt for so long before you become it. but theres nobody like me and you. i feel like veins and ligatures when you aren't around. and breathing in isnt the same when you're not breathing out. percoset revolutionary. "look mom, no breathing". fucking fading. fucked up, but not cool fucked up. maybe we rip the map in half and someday we meet up in the middle. by accident or just because. everything and everyone ends up faced down on the floor in the end.

you are my wonderwall. Wednesday, October 26th, 2005 6:51 pm my mom said 'make sure you go to sleep smiling tonight baby cause you'll wake up feeling better" i just re-read everything you wrote over the past two months.

i miss my friends.

there is life after this. i promise myself. Tuesday, October 25th, 2005 10:51 pm everything they say about us is true im watching scary movies like every afternoon. i got some new slipper and pants. i look ridiculous. dreamboat. the inside of my head is always changing. even right this second. when i go back over all the details it makes me so glad im not in that town anymore. all of a sudden we're always in the crosshairs. it kinda feels normal now. we used to goof around about killing ourselves off. but sometimes it wasn't a joke. i can't sleep when the bus isn't moving. went to the fender offices today, they are gonna make me some basses. pretty exciting. the only thing ive ever learned is that its pretty easy to say "i love you" its alot harder to mean it. my friends are dropping like flies. everyone looks good when they are the one with their fingers on the keyboards. history is written by the conquerer. we're headlining an amphitheater tommorrow. thats retarded. fistfightking. makeoutqueen. past midnights. get amazed.

Current Music: 2sweet Sunday, October 23rd, 2005 9:42 am you see that kid... its not me, its you. blow out the candles on caring. encounters yesterday: went to paul walls jewelry shop. pretty insane. then when we played jared leto came over and watched. radio shows are wack. encounters today: the gold medal gymnast from the 2004 olympics is coming to hang out with me. pretty insane. why would you ever want to meet a boy like me. i am boring. you make it easier to make the decisions that i do. i turned off the switch that cares. i watch lots of movies and take lots of naps. cause i am a baby. i am gonna be in the academy video for black mamba. i can't tell you how excited that makes me. Wednesday, October 19th, 2005 11:48 pm ill be on time for that, i cant think of a line that rhymes with that blue looks better than jealousy. im awake but not up. you know what i mean. blew the speakers out like a candle. drowned out my sorrows in a wet dream. i miss you but only in flashing moments. new stuff over at buzznet. people been asking about the prices. honestly we charge what it costs us to make. alot of the stuff lately has been cut and sew or requires hand stitching which is expensive. so we try to keep the stuff really limited, so that it stays special. the bags sold out in a day. we won't be making anymore of that particular bag. but we will be making more limited bags and other items. Tuesday, October 18th, 2005 4:48 pm i, peter lewis kingston wentz, solemnly swear... im trying to figure it out. my head moves way faster than my mouth. i went to a party at chris from nsnyc's house for a party. it was about as good/bad as you would think. except dirty was there. so factor that one in. always up or down, never down and out.

the new nightmare of you record is fantastic. it makes me think of winters at home. love it or leave me. Sunday, October 16th, 2005 12:45 pm baby, im just bad news i don't know if it feels real been watching halloween movies lately to get me in the mood taking lots of naps its easier this way she wont ever love you the way she loves me youre not pretty enough and you dont make her heart beat been hiding messages in morse code and anagrams banging my wrist against the edge of the keyboard until it turns black and blue we're all settling all the time panic! at the disco makes me want to start this all over again coversations with you make me want it to never have begun at all nick plan and william beckett are on the list in one form or another always if you dont have your friends than you dont got shit and my friends are gold halloween is gonna be the best this year i think ive never been in california on halloween- it once was, but it hasnt been for a really long time spent most of the morning on the phone with my mommy cause she can always slow my breathing down you can get used to anything after a while even this, pete pretty boys for secret girls later skater Wednesday, October 12th, 2005 12:02 pm ill make you shake so hard you might not make it through the night new york city is fucking insane. get me. bruisa. fall makes me remember and want love.

okay okay cause i should:

1. you say crazy shit in your sleep, like about us living in old milwaukee. 2. right this second "wonderwall" sometimes star wars. 3. i dunno cherry coke flavored. 4. sugar tail, freckles in your eyes, basement windows, braces 5. new years on the windowsill. 6. uh kind of in a weird way the retriever head on the beagle body. just the nicest dog ever. 7. that one bane lyric, im pretty sure its a question. but mostly lately- what happened to my best friend?

nick york city. the clan party last night was rightious. im kinda going other places. feeling it. quit sleeping on it cause im the life. from the back of my legs to the back of my neck- im so glad there are people out there who won't let me fall off the face of the planet.

young.

panic at the disco at the knitting factory in new york tonight- 5pm. Tuesday, October 11th, 2005 12:57 am you remind me of this one movie. it makes me smile. but not with my mouth and way too many teeth. but with my eyes. trouble loves me. but you do way more. im dreaming on highway lines and phone hang-ups. just happy to be me. for one second.

i got a sweet vest and some teddy bear shoes. im good for cuddling. youre gonna have to trust me on that one.

[predoom]

Feb 2005

Pete Wentz Interview From Chik magazine Feb 05 Warning – Fall Out Ahead

When I was about 15 I decided to stop doing drugs forever. At that time, I was pretty angry about a lot of stuff that was going on in my house and with my friends. I think that when you are 14 or 15, you tend to get too deep into whatever the new things is, or whatever your thing is. As you grow older, you kinda realise that you just have to tale things one step at a time. You realise there is a larger world out there then the suburb you live in and the group of friends you have. And you realise that different people live different ways and there is a lot more greyscale then there is black and white.

We definitely don’t preach to the audience. But I don’t think I get on stage and tell people anything like “Do drugs and drop out of school!” You have to be aware of your audience and aware of their understanding, and stuff like how much sarcasm they understand and how much goofing around you can get away with. You don’t want to get up there and make anybody do anything stupid, or make someone feel comfortable. We try to be aware of that and don’t have girls shows their boobs on stage or anything like that, that stuff is…um…not really appropriate.

It’s really hard to harness the energy we have when we play live and put it onto a CD. I think we did all right with the last one, but I want to do better in the future. I don’t feel like we’ve completely harnessed everything – the full potential of what the band could be. That is one of the things we’ve been experimenting with.

I’ve toured a lot and I prefer playing as a support band. I don’t like headlining – there’s too much nervousness, too much waiting around…I get bored. I’d rather get up there, play and then go hang out and watch my friend’s band. I occasionally get nervous that kids are going to leave my shows. Everyone once in a while I do get a little bit nervous about it, but I do not get stage fright. When you are headlining, the main worry – for me at least – is that kids will kick off early.

We’ve been trying to stay the same people. None of us want to be jerks! There are so many people telling you that you’re the best thing since sliced bread – every guy in a tie is telling you that. But you that the minute you stop selling records, they’re going to abandon you. They’re not your friends. And that’s something we try to keep level headed about. That’s what’s really important to us – we don’t want to become too full of ourselves, because that’s when you stop deserving to have an ego and people stop supporting your band. No-one wants to be a jerk.

Compromise is a funny thing. There are many things that you have to compromise on, because you have to weigh up product versus an art form. When you’re signed to a record label, you constantly have to do that, because they are more product based. But there are certain things we will never compromise on, it’s just something we’re not interested in doing. And if someone said we have to do that in order to sell records, we would just not be interested in working with those people.

I try to live by example. Some of my friends take drugs and that’s cool…I mean, it’s nothing I am interested in, because that’s just not my lifestyle. But it doesn’t bother me if someone else is interested in it. I don’t happen to be Christian, but it’s not really that big of a deal to me how other people choose to live their lives. My philosophy is, “You live your life, I’ll live mine. And hopefully we can influence each other if we think that our lifestyle is better.” Showing someone by example is the best way to prove a point.

[predoom]

8/14/08

Thursday, August 14, 2008 crasy is just a perspective. (i am sid and nancy) i feel like i owe you something after tonight. this is an oldie. i dont know why im sharing this wrote this one sometime after i shoulda just been comatose in a best buy parking lot,ive never said this before and i wont ever really talk about it. please dont repost.... no edits:

"This is where the story begins, not linearly but more like this is where it stalled out. Like “back after the commercial” pause that never ends or the humming with the “be patient. We’re having technical difficulties” sign. St. Valentine’s Day massacre of the brain cells. 8 blue ones will do that, anyone in a white coat will tell you. You’re in your sister’s car on the phone with managers, psychiatrists, and your mom. You love to hate attention. You hate to love attention. They’re telling you to drive to the emergency room. It’s so predictable. ‘I am only telling you this to set the scene’. The cold February air is sobering but unforgiving. It feels like there are insects buzzing through your veins. It’s funny the way the black night sky into the double-doored white-lit corridor of northwestern hospital is like heaven, in the movies. The only thing missing is overweight baby angels and some harps. They are unfortunately on back order. “You know what the Midwest is? Young and restless” is playing on the speakers at the door. Your mom laughs nervously in the waiting room- the thing inside your head bothers her far more than it bothers you. There is a fish tank on the right side of the room, over there, just between the bleeders. The fish in the tank are all a brilliant blue. They are the first thing you circle in a “what does not belong in this picture” quiz. You are mesmerized. An old woman with a bandage wrapped around her head, you know like from the old days, stands right in front of you obscuring your view. She needs them more than you do. They call your name and take you into the next room. The security guard looks at you in a “the fuck are you gonna do” kind of way but then settles into boredom. You almost feel like you owe him a tantrum or some kind of psychotic episode. They say undress and put on the gown. You want to call her up because she knows just how to get you out of your clothes. “You can’t have those in here,” the guard says pointing at your shoes. "The laces are considered a suicide risk. The lights are bright and the door is open- nothing is going on here. You aren’t getting away with anything. You ask them for a pen and paper to write down all the details. They are also considered a suicide risk too and are denied. You tell them in that case it won’t be your fault when your memory is blurry and you don’t get any of this right. ‘I am only telling you this because it’s possible that none of this is right’. They make everything the whitest white in the hospital. The lights are so white they burn your skin or maybe you are just imagining things. It makes you feel more alone than you ever have before. You are lying on a gurney that hundreds of people have died on before. You lift yourself off of it quickly so none of their memories seep into you. You look around to make sure that no one saw you do this, no one saw you acting “crazy”. The security guard is staring at you with the “just give me a fucking reason” look but settles back into the monotony. You cough but you’re feeling down and kind of light and get worried you might blow yourself away- you hold on tight to the rails.

The crisis counselor comes into the room and shuts the door but she asks the guard to open the blinds and watch through the window. Now you are the brilliant blue fish in the tank with him watching. Swimming, not quite as brilliant, just as blue. A nurse comes in to draw your blood. She puts the needle in and you get kind of nervous that she is gonna pull “the boy” out of you. ‘Yes I did just drop that reference. I’m okay like that’. The crisis counselor is a fucking amateur. If she had her shit together you suppose that she would be in some nice building in the suburbs with a receptionist- make 200 for 45-minute sessions. She’s fucking farm club not even minor league ball. You on the other hand have read The Pill Book from front to back. You could talk your way out of anything. But you’re too busy swimming for the guard. She says she won’t admit you to the hospital if you’ll sign a contract saying you won’t hurt yourself. You actually laugh out loud at the thought of anyone depressed enough to kill themselves being stopped by a piece of paper. It’s like slitting your wrists over a sink so you won’t make a mess. You joke her “imp gonna have to go over this with my lawyer. And send back some markups”. She’s not impressed. Crisis counselor A is followed by B and so forth- it’s getting hard for you to keep your story straight. You feel yourself bending it just to keep it interesting, adding minute details, waiting for compliments on your storytelling ability. I'm only writing this because I shouldn’t’. You call the one person who matters from the gurney and say, “the Capulets and Montagues don’t have shit on me and you”. You are pretty sure you got her voicemail. You call back and apologize for leaving the first message. You are talking into a phone that doesn’t exist to a girl that doesn’t matter anymore. But who are you kidding; it takes a bit of time to get in or out of your system, the same as any drug. You fall asleep in the room. Your dreams are sterile and uninfected.

Wake up; the thought of having a conversation with another human being makes you throw up. You are noticing the way everyone is talking about you- not in a conspiring against you kind of way- and again not in a “the world revolves around you” kind of way- but more the way a doctor and family member would have a conversation over the bed of someone in a coma. “I hope it’s not serious. Is he going to be the same? Will he wake up?”. You understand why there aren’t mirrors in places like this. No one wants to see their cried out eyes or stitched up faces. Every time you look in a mirror you remember you are always one second away from crying or getting it right. It’s fucking pathetic. You pitch and turn. You can’t control your head right now on the inside, there’s no way of describing it. The closest you can come is the movie where the paralyzed man drowns in the bottom of a swimming pool. Your head is that scene. You shut your eyes and disappear off of the face of the planet but only for a second so no one notices. ‘Im only telling you this so you know things could have turned out so much differently’. You are a set of circumstances, nothing more, variables. The only important part of this from the start was: you in your sister’s car in the past tense, YOU in the past tense, almost but not quite.

====this is some old shit. unaltered.. from a specific moment.

posted by xo at 1:16 AM