Honest feelings
So since there’s no one ever who wants to listen to my honest feelings without either interrupting or judging, I can only take a moment to write it down. First of all I want to say that I don’t take it the wrong way, the fact that people don’t really listen. As we all know pain, sadness, suffering is a very personal thing. There’s no way on earth that 2 people feel the same way about something at the same time. And I’m not sure there can be understanding as long as one hasn’t gone through the same things. Also one can only meet you as far as they have met themselves. Adding to this, let’s be honest, when you feel bad, bad about yourself, when you feel heartbroken, when you feel alone, very seldom we find someone who tells us what we would like to hear. Whatever that may be.
I know my pain is a very irrational one and I’m also very aware of the fact that it is a minor setback in life and that there are much, much worse things to go through in life than what I’m going through. Everybody hurts sometimes.
So it’s been almost 7 months since my breakup, I thought I was doing rather well. Considering I have to see my ex every damn day. We work together. I didn’t want the breakup, despite knowing the relationship wasn’t ideal, I was willing to work for it. It ended in the most absurd kind of ways the day before we had to go on holidays. Since everything was paid in advance, we decided to go anyways, as friends. Right. I think it broke abruptly because I found out that he was probably cheating. I saw some texts, changed behavior, but anyway he never admitted to it.
So like I said, we see each other every day. We were (up until yesterday) still following each other on social media and we still cared for each other. That’s what we would tell each other, of course.
At some point I was obsessing about him being with someone else so I kept asking him about it. He always denied it and told me he would tell me when that would happen. So well that day finally came and yesterday he said ‘ I started dating someone’. And that’s when I felt my heart break a second time. I was paralysed, didn’t know what to say so I just went away continuing my work. A little later I told him I wouldn’t be talking and laughing with him anymore, I gave back the last thing I had of him, I unfollowed him on social media. The day was over, I went home and cried the whole evening.
Today at work I tried to avoid him, not to talk to him not even to look at him. That’s hard because we work in a team. He got a little angry, but he started avoiding me as well. I wanted to explain to him why I didn’t want to talk to him anymore, I knew he wouldn’t care. I tried during the day but he just didn’t listen. So I called him after work to explain to him. I know I don’t have to do that, because we’re not together anymore. I wanted him to know that even if I wouldn’t talk to him anymore I would still care about him. Unfortunately. I told him that it was hard for me to see that he moved on so quickly and he replied that it had already been 7 months so that wasn’t really ‘quickly’ for him. He said that didn’t change the fact he still cared about me, but that he understood that for me it was hard to act like nothing had changed.
SO now I don’t know if I’m crying because he is with someone else or if I’m crying because I didn’t move on as quickly as he did. Or because I am 36 years old and didn’t manage to find myself a person that would want to be with me. He found a great girl, that suits him better than I ever did and I’m happy for them, even though at the same time I just feel miserable.
I tried to talk about this with my mom and she said “your time will come”. I talked with my best friend and she said “why would he even say that to you?”. I talked to some other friends and they just started talking about something else.
I’m supposed to go to London on Monday, I booked myself a trip 2 months ago, but I don’t want to go anymore. I’m just so tired of doing things by myself and not having anyone to share this with. I love spending time by myself, but I just wish I could share moments with a special person. I just wish I could grow with a special person. I know I’m old and shit, but I still have to grow in many ways and all I wanted was to do that with someone who would also want to grow with me.
I’ve never had such a hard time with a breakup and I really think it is because I’m forced to see him every day. I can’t change my job, I have a good job in a good company. I thought I was mature enough to be able to handle this the right way, but apparently I’m not. I feel so weak. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this. I feel like this is just another breakup. A friend of mine told me that by now I should know how to handle heartbreaks because I’ve had so many, but I feel like it just gets worse with time and age.
