Things I Hate: December 30 Edition
I haven't really worked on this for a while. I really don't have an excuse besides the fact that I'm just really lazy and when I get home from work these days I'd usually rather drink Coors Light and watch Breaking Bad on Netflix (I'm just starting season 5...why is Walt such a dick now?). Anyways, let's rant.
This Just Isn't What I Thought It Would Be: Ever hear of Snapchat? It's an app people use to send each other pictures, with the caveat being that once you open the picture, you have 10 seconds to watch it, at which point the picture vanishes and can never be viewed again. So when I heard about this app my first thought was "what kind of picture would somebody send that they would want the recipient to see for 10 seconds and then not be able to access it?" Obviously, I assumed it was an app made for girls to send pictures of their boobies. And a girl was the one who told me to download it, so I download it and think "here come the boobies!" I may be 31 but I regress emotionally the older I get, so at this point I'm like 14 emotionally and that was my thought process. So I waited for the pictures of boobies to roll in...and I waited and I waited. And you know what pictures people sent me? They send me pictures of food, drinks, and sunsets and shit. Who the f*ck thinks a picture of a vodka tonic needs to self-destruct in 10 seconds?! One of my buddies from my frat sends me a picture of whatever he's drinking every time he starts drinking...what the f*ck is time sensitive about that?! And why the f*ck aren't you inviting me to drink with you?! It's like telling me "this message will self-destruct in 10 seconds but I wanted you to know that I'm having a blast and you're not invited. Sucka!!!!!!!!!!" Stick to instagram for pictures of food and drinks and sunsets and shit, if it's on Snapchat it should be boobs or nothing. Don't waste my time.
This Is Just Completely Illogical: You know who deserves a swift kick to the nuts? The person who thought button fly jeans were a good idea, that's who. What the f*ck is the point of the button fly jean? The fly on any pair of pants is covered up, so the button fly does not provide any aesthetic value, and it certainly doesn't provide any value from a functional standpoint. Actually I take back my punishment of a kick to the nuts for the person who invented the button fly jean, because clearly the button fly jean was invented by a woman, because there's no way any person who's ever used a urinal would think that button fly jeans were a good idea. And using a urinal at a sporting event while wearing button fly jeans is the worst. You have 20 people lined up behind you wondering what's taking you so long, not to mention the two people awkwardly close to you on each side. And the people behind you are muttering about how long it's taking you to handle your business, and unfortunately you're not really in a position to turn around and explain that it's not your fault that some lady at Lucky Brand decided that you needed to unbutton and button 4 awkwardly placed buttons each time you need to take a leak. Hey Lucky Brand lady, next time you design some men's jeans, consult a man. And next time I see them on sale, I should understand the button fly is probably why they're on sale and not buy them.
That's Just Uncouth: You know who I'll get after for a minute? This girl I went on a first date with a little while back. When I met her, this restaurant I really liked came up in the conversation, so I end up making plans to take her there since I'd really sold her on how great it was. So I pick her up for dinner and right from the jump I know she kind of sucks. She was wearing leather gloves...who owns leather gloves in Southern California, let alone wears them when it's not even cold outside? So right there I had a bad feeling just because she reminded me of Dexter and I thought she was going to restrain me with Saran wrap and kill me. But screw it, I can still enjoy a meal right? So we get there and we get the menu, and Captain Leather Gloves asks me if I like wine. Of course I like wine, I'm not an animal, what kind of question is that? So she then hands me the wine menu and says "great, you pick the bottle!" And here's where my beef with this girl lies. She can wear leather gloves if she wants; it's creepy but if that's her style then so be it. But it's obvious that on a first date that I asked you to I'm going to be the one to pay, so for you to dictate that we're going to order a bottle of wine is ridiculous because you're now running up the bill on me...it's just rude. And now I've been put in a position where i can't say "hey how about we order by the glass" because that will make me look really cheap, and I don't want Dexterette to kill me because I'm cheap, so I have to roll with it. So fine, we're getting a bottle of wine, but unfortunately the menu is in Italian. I don't know if any of you are aware of this, but I don't speak Italian. I have no idea what these names and descriptions mean, so it's sort of impossible to order. So I ask the waitress for advice, and she brings the manager over because he's the one who selects the wine list. And this freaking guy, he comes over and after I explain what kind of a wine I'd like to order he proceeds to tell me three bottles they have that he really likes that fit that genre. And yeah he has terrific taste, but he also has really expensive taste. Does this restaurant have $40-50 bottles of wine? Absolutely! But what does he recommend to me? Two $85 bottles of wine and one $75 bottle of wine that I could probably buy at Costco for $15. And because if I look cheap the chick who borrowed OJ Simpson's gloves is going to kill me, I can't tell the manager to maybe stop trying to run up the bill on me. So instead I ordered the $75 bottle of wine and attempted to shoot him a look that would tell him that he'd truly violated the guy code and that he would ultimately be blogged about in a negative fashion. Was the wine good? Yeah I enjoyed it, but I didn't enjoy it $75 worth. Screw Captain Leather Gloves, and screw the manager who decided to violate guy code and not even give me a single affordable option.
You're Half The Dog You Used To Be And That's OK: Most people know this but maybe six months ago my dog had a really bad spinal cord injury and was essentially temporarily paralyzed from the waist (do you say waist on a dog) down for a few weeks. He had a super expensive surgery and he's fine now, but it aged him considerably and now he's kind of the dog version of Yoda in that he does everything super slow but he'll occasionally do something awesome out of nowhere and just completely surprise you. But his balance is just shot, to the point where if he decides to shake super hard for whatever reason he usually just ends up falling, which is sad but also hilarious because he's great at getting up super quick and pretending it never happened. For the most part he's pretty much fine now, but he still insists on lifting his leg when he pees, and that becomes an issue since his balance is awful now. So now when he pees I have to take my hand and put it on his back to steady him, which just looks weird to people when I'm walking him and they see me do this. I can't really turn around and just be like "hey my dog is recovering from a ruptured spinal cord and I really don't want him to fall and get pee all over himself," so instead they just think I have the weirdest relationship ever with my dog. Actually I guess I could do that, it'd be interesting to see what happened if I did. I'll report back when I work on this again in several months. Hang tight.