Things I Hate: June 20 Edition
Yesterday I went to a restaurant that's owned and operated by two sisters, and I noticed that they had a tip jar by the cash register. But there are no employees at this restaurant besides the owners, so doesn't that mean that tip money goes directly to them and they've essentially found a way to increase their revenue without having to pay taxes on it since it's cash? I didn't tip.
Anyways, what else is new? Recently Rihanna wore a dress that was really see through, and the internet subsequently exploded. Speaking of nipples, the other day I realized that if you look at my upper body and focus on my sweet patch of chest hair, nipples and belly button, it totally looks like a face that could be on the cover of a Shel Silverstein book. I know that sounds ridiculous, but look at this picture and focus on the eyes, hair and mouth...that's what I look like from my waist to neck without a shirt on!
Anyways, now that we've discussed that, here's my latest take on things I find ridiculous:
I Was Gonna Eat That (DISCLAIMER - THIS RANT DOES NOT APPLY TO MY FRIENDS I WENT TO CHAPTER ONE WITH A MONTH OR SO AGO. YOU GUYS ARE GOOD AT ORDERING, YOU CAN IGNORE THIS RANT): You wanna know what really yanks my chain? Every time I go to a restaurant with a large group of people, it is automatically decided that the appetizers are to be shared among the group, as opposed to each person getting their own appetizer. I don't know when this became a standard practice, but it's complete and utter garbage. Allow me to explain myself: I am one of the top five orderers in my generation. I am exceptional at examining a menu, determining what items will be most delicious, and then ordering them. Anybody who's ever talked to me can tell you that I was blessed with very few gifts, but my ability to order delicious food is one of them. So it drives me nuts when I go out in a group of people who are lesser orderers than myself, and I only get 20% of the delicious thing I ordered because we're sharing appetizers, and now I'm stuck with the other 80% of my appetizers being incredibly bland crap because the rest of the party wasn't able to follow the simple rule that if you see a menu item with raw beef, goat cheese or bacon in it, you automatically order it! If I'm with only one other person I don't mind sharing, because at least if that person turns out to be a shitty orderer then I'll still get a significant amount of the delicious thing. But in a larger group it's a total crap shoot, and the older and more curmudgeony I get, the more it upsets me that I'm forced to have some of somebody's shrimp cocktail because they decided that I must share my tenderloin carpaccio! Moving forward folks, either allow me to order my own appetizer or step up your app game.
Wedge This: You know what I don't get? Those giant shoes women wear, I think they're called wedges. I'm not talking about high heels, I'm talking about the ones that makes it look like the girl is standing on blocks of wood to increase their height. I don't really get it, they aren't stealth at hiding the fact that they're essentially really elaborate lifts, so anybody who sees you wearing them knows you're just artificially inflating your height. Plus they're not really aesthetically pleasing, they simply look like a couple of wooden blocks I could've picked up at Lowe's. Plus those things are loud, any ability to sneak up on somebody while wearing them goes completely out the window. I know when I decide what I'm going to wear, half the decision is based on what girl's are going to think (God I miss cargo shorts), so does this mean girls wear them because they think artificially increasing their height is going to make them more attractive to guys? Because in that case, I can clear this up for you. I've been a guy for well over 31 years, and I've never thought "man, that 5'1 girl is really hot, but I can't go out with her because she's not 5'6." If you're hot, you're hot, and guys aren't going to write you off because you're short. These shoes are simply unattractive and they aren't going to help you get laid, so I don't really understand the point.
They Don't Come In White: Wanna know what else pisses me off? Nobody makes an athletic shoe anymore that's just normal looking. For the vast majority of my life I'd work out in really clean looking white Nikes. But Nike gave up on normal looking shoes, and now they all have to look like they're from the future. And the worst part of it is, Nike's Oregon Duckification of me is officially complete, because now I think futuristic looking shoes are completely normal. I actually own the shoe pictured above, I'm wearing it right now. It has an apple pie lattice looking pattern on it, and has neon yellow on it....and I think it's actually attractive because Nike has trained me to believe it's totally normal. They don't offer it in just white, but if I really HAVE to have it in white, Nike will let me customize it for another $60 on their website and then I have the pleasure of waiting 6 weeks for it to show up? Get out of here with that crap Nike, you're dead to me.
This Isn't Promoting Synergy: I've been in the working world for 10 years now, so I feel like I have a good idea of how the world works. Every company I've ever been at, at one point or another, has had a period of time where they tell their employees "hey we're in a freeze right now, we aren't promoting or giving raises to anybody." And you know what, I actually have no problem with that at all. Companies have to do what's best for them financially, and I absolutely get that they can't just give out raises to make people feel good. But with that being said, without fail, every time a company is saying this, I end up receiving an email announcing the promotion of somebody at a senior level position to an even more senior position, usually accompanied with "let's all congratulate person X!" So the company which is telling the worker bees that there are no promotions or raises available is now essentially emailing the worker bees to say "Well actually there isn't more money or opportunity available for people like you, but man so and so the VP is great, so you understand why he needs a bump right? Pat him on the back why don't ya!" Why don't you ask me to buy so and so a f*cking cookie while we're at it? I totally get that in a lot of these cases they have to do it because the VP got an offer from somewhere else and leveraged it into a promotion at his current place of employment, and in that case they had to give him a bump to keep him. But if that really is the case and it coincides with a raise/promotion freeze, do yourself a favor corporate America, and tell your VP guy "hey look if we announce this right now it's going to piss off everybody we told that we aren't promoting people right now, so we're going to just give you a raise now, and then in a few months when the freeze is over we'll announce that you have a new title." I should be in charge of corporate culture, you'd have a lot less employees feeling disgruntled and undervalued.