⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩Thinking about Ex!Phainon, who still loves youㅡsilently, secretly, and solemlyㅡwhile his heart still aches for your sweet smile and your gorgeous eyes crinkling beautifully at him. Just him. Nobody else.
You had an okay breakup with Phainon. You had loved him to death, you did. And dating him was great when it first began! He would make you smile every second you were with him, embrace you in your most vulnerable moments like golden treasure, hold you so dearly in his arms when the nights stretched endlesslyㅡand make you feel as if the world moved around you.
But time decays even the strongest of steel, and graduallyㅡhe started treating you no differently from his other companions. His late-night visits to your house would become less and less frequent. He'd text you like how he texted Mydei and all of his other friends. He'd still caress you in his arms, of course, but the calming warmth you initially felt from him was now...faded.
Nearly at the end of your relationship, the distance between the two of you was evident. He felt so far away that, to you, your connection was beyond repair. Sometimes you would just stop to stare dumbly at your phoneㅡwaiting, wishing for his name to appear on your screen. You didn't even care if it wasn't a call at that point. Even a little text saying "Hey, what's up?" would've filled your entire day with bliss and elation. You missed him. Dearly.
Your mind would overfill with thoughts and despair over your boyfriend and his detachment. In late nights when only the moon would peek through your curtains, you would let crystal tears fall from your eyes as his voiceㅡstill as beautiful as everㅡwould echo repeatedly in your mind "Shh...I'm here, y/n. I am so sorry that I acted so shitty, my love. Please forgive me?"
The remoteness, the silence, and the agony were driving you insane. Your mental health was shaking, emotions overflowing. Maybe you were being overly sensitive, sure. But even so, it still hurt. It hurt that the person whom you always cared for was out of reach. Oh, how your chest felt as if it were being ripped to shreds when you scrolled through your previous text messagesㅡreminiscing on the days which shone brighter than gold, and felt warmer than the sun.
Not only that, the thought that you were being overbearingㅡthe thought that you had messed up horrifically somehowㅡwould circle inside your brain. Over and over againㅡlike the world's most cruel mantra. A mantra which, deep down inside of youㅡyou thought was true.
You couldn't continue like this. They say hope is a double-edged sword, and during those days you couldn't count how many times the sword ripped apart your flesh like butter and tore you apart limb by limb. You were so sick of the pain. You were so sick of the sufferingㅡso, you left.
You called him late at night, asking to meet him in the park outside your house. He agreed. Putting on your clothes, you took the hoodie he once left in your apartment. The hoodie, which felt like it had been here for a lifetime. Rolling it up neatly and tucking it underneath your arm, you took a shaky breath and headed out the door to meet your lover.
The chilly breeze hit you like a speeding truck. The loose jacket draped over your shoulders was insufficient to block the cold. But your focus was somewhere else. The burning rage and hurt inside of you made you immune to the chill. The hot tears that threatened to spill from your eyes cleared your vision from the blowing wind. You ignored the breeze, for your mind was only locked on the pain that you were finally going to spill to Phainon. The hurt-filled words which will seep endlessly out of your mouth. How you were going to yell at him for all the pain he caused you, the rage that bubbled uncontrollably inside you right now, and ask him why. Why was it so hard for him to tell you just a little, simple 'hello'.
You saw him at the far end of the street. He was wearing the blue sneakers from when you first met him, and the silver watch you had gotten him for his birthday. His periwinkle eyes shone underneath the yellow street lightsㅡwith a wisp of melancholy laced within them. It was unfair. He looked absolutely beautiful, just like when you first fell in love with him.
At that moment, the anger inside you shriveled to dust, and the enraged words threatening to spill from your lips died before they could be formed. Even at this distance, with this much pain and suffering, he still made all of your anger go away, huh? But deep down, you relaxed. His presence was akin to a bonfire in a harsh winter, a breath of fresh air from the smoke and fogㅡit made all of your worries go away just from the sight of him. You wanted nothing more than to run to him and hug him
And you despised yourself for feeling this way.
How could your mind betray you the moment your eyes landed on him? Why did your bruised heart soften the moment you saw the familiar watch on his wrist? It was unfair how much power he had over youㅡhow much power you let him have over you. Even as you were coming to this spot, a part of you deep down instinctively knew that you wouldn't do any of the things you said you would. It was certain that you would lose your rage the moment you got close to him.
You wanted to push this feeling away and scream at him for all of the painful nights you endured. The nights which felt so lonely and distant, the times you ate alone at the tableㅡwishing for him to be here.
But trying to calm the ocean to be a lake is no short of impossible. Your mind wouldn't let you be angry at Phainon. No matter how much you triedㅡyou couldn't. You had had enough. You were so tired from all of this. You wanted to quit on everything.
And so you did.
You gave up on your anger, you gave up on your sadness. You gave up on the words which had so desperately lodged themselves in your throat. You brush aside the days in solitude and despair. Instead of fighting it, you gave up. You let yourself walk closer to the man you loveㅡwill always love. You took his hoodie softly into your hands like gold, wishing he had handled you like that till the end. Your eyes softened unconsciously, and before you knew it, you were standing in front of him. Face-to-face. Those mesmerizing periwinkle eyes still as gorgeous as the day you first met him. His light-blue locks still luring you to run your hand through them.
You resist the urge.
Holding out his hoodie to him, you look down as you mumble softlyㅡsteadying your breath as you tried to blink back the tears.
"I...I think we need some space..Phainon."
You couldn't see his face, but you knew it fell. Maybe he looked devastated. Maybe he looked disappointed. You couldn't look, and you didn't dare to. Not when you knew that you would go running back into his arms the moment you looked into his eyes.
"...Why?" His voice came out in a soft whisper. Shaking almost unnoticeablyㅡbut you heard it. You always do.
You took a deep breath, thinking about all of the times that you spent with him. All of the smiles exchanged in secretㅡthe soft, chaste kisses shared underneath the silver moonlight, which would all become a page of painful history.
How you wished this moment would never come.
"Phainon, I-I'm sorry it's just that...we feel so distant nowadays."
You finally looked up, e/c eyes meeting soft periwinkle ones. You almost immediately stiffened. He was looking at you with such...care and heartbreak in his eyes. At this sight, you faltered. How could you ever say something like that to him? When your words failed to come out of your mouth, he silently gestured for you to continue with a slight nod of his head.
You took another deep breath, forcing yourself to come back together. How did he expect you not to break down when he was looking at you like that?
You continued, voice cracking slightly. "I waited for you every night, you know? I waited for your calls, your textsㅡa simple greeting. I wanted you so, so bad, and I hated myself for it. I wanted you to kiss me on the forehead once more. I-I wished that you would check up on me, at least once, but I despised it because I felt as if I was being overbearing. I hated the fact that I couldn't reach out first, even when I desperately wanted toㅡI really did, Phai. I felt so lonely when you weren't here, and then felt so selfish because I felt that way. I..I can't go on like this anymore Phainon.. I'm sorry."
Wet tears streamed down your faceㅡyou didn't even know they had begun to. Phainon reached his hand out to brush your cheekㅡthe familiar touch of his making you want to melt like fondue in his hands.
However, you denied yourself the pleasure of doing so, as you lowered the hand that was wiping your tears away.
Phainon closed his eyes for a moment before opening them to reveal sorrow swirling within his eyes. Yet there was acceptance in his gaze as wellㅡacceptance for your decision, acceptance for your choice.
"I understand."
His voice came out barely above a whisperㅡlike it pained him to say those words. You knew it did. His expression was screaming, 'Please, please don't do this,' and all of his body language pointed towards embracing you and never letting go.
Yet he still accepted it anyway. You were once again reminded of one of the many reasons why you had fallen for this amazing man.
Phainon took a step closer to you. You could now feel the heat radiating off of himㅡlike a warm fire. The distance between you two was now so close. Closer than it had been for the last few weeks. It was how it used to be in those glorious days when you first started dating him. But even so...you still felt like he was a planet away from you. So close, yet so eternally far, if that made sense.
Phainon reached out to grasp your shoulder and then paused right before touching it. He retracted his arm silently while looking at you with a longing expression.
"i'm sorry I left you to endure that alone all this time. I'm sorry that I made you think that you were selfish, because godㅡyou are the most selfless, kind person I've ever had the blessing of meeting. Maybe it's too late for all of thisㅡmaybe it's past the point of apologies. But I still want you to knowㅡI love you. Till the moon finally loses its shine, till the stars start falling from the night sky. You meant everything to me, and I was a fool for not treasuring the most precious thing that existed in my life. I- I'm sorry y/n."
He grasped your hand gently as tears gently descended like waterfalls down your cheeks. At the sight of you crying, he gave you one final look of agony before speaking again.
"Thank you for giving me the chance to be your lover, y/n. I was blessed to spend this time with you. I...I hope that you'll find a guy who loves you as much as I did...I'm sorry."
You grabbed him into a hug, crying uncontrollably, as you mustered with all your strength, muffled words through broken sobs and heavy cries.
"Phainon... If- If you'd like to...Do youㅡ still wanna be friends?"
Phainon froze, tears welling up in his own eyes as well. He looked at the hand which was holding yours before mumbling softly.
"If you'll have me as a friend...I'd be honored."
And for the last time as lovers and first time as friends, Phainon wrapped an arm around your back and gently stroked the back of your head. Not like how he used to during your late-night shenanigans. Not like how he used to when he spoon-fed you ice cream. He hugged you as no longer the person closest to your heart, oh, how he desperately wished to, though. The moonlight shone over the two of you from the blossoming of your love, and witnessed the shriveling of the flower which once was.
After that day, you moved on. Phainon was now one of your closest companions, and you two still kept in touch sometimes. You also found another guy you met at a cafe. His name was Dan heng. He was always nice to you. He would make you smile uncontrollably like an idiot, and laugh so hard that you accidentally break into a coughing fit. He would go on phone calls with you till 3 A.M., and make sure you went to sleep. He would check up on you dailyㅡalways asking whether you had drunk plenty of water, and ask if you got much sleep.
You got your smile back, you got the shine in your eyes back. You seemed happier now, and Phainon noticed it.
He won't lie and say that he didn't feel a pang in his chest every time you mentioned Dan heng's nameㅡhe won't lie and say that every time he sees you smile because of Dan heng, it makes him want to cry his eyes out.
Phainon misses you, and dearly so. But you look so happy now don't you? Dan heng does all the things that he used to doㅡand all the things that he couldn't do. Dan heng makes you smile when he made you cry. You're happier now, so it's fine. Phainon can endure the pang of misery in his chest. He can endure the jealousy emerging from the deepest, darkest parts of himㅡtelling him to fight Dan heng. He can face the fact that you smileㅡnot because of him, but another man. That bright smileㅡwhich was once reserved all for him.
If he finally gets to see you happy once more, even if you no longer smile because of him, even if it feels as if his heart is tearing in twoㅡeven if he despises the fact that you're no longer his. He will go to the ends of this world and back, all just to see the beautiful smile brightening your features.
A/n: This was NOT my best work and was written on a whim when I got the inspiration by talking with @devdozes about my previous ex. Y/n is literally me except for the fact that I didn't cry and chose to keep my feelings all bottled up haha...DW WE'RE ON GOOD TERMS NOW AND WE'RE BEST FRIENDS :DD This is also my first time writing angst (fluff writer over here lmaoo) so it may be cringe and it may be fast paced. Thank you for reading anyways! I hope you enjoyed this (terribly written) angst piece that I wanted to try for a change hehe!
Taglist!: @winteryreads @millucid
©your-sleeparalysisdem0n do not reuse, repost or plagiarize any of my works. All rights reserved.