Dear Leo,
Can I hate you for what I put myself through? I bounce back and forth with this. Some days I accept my part and understand that I played the biggest role in this. On those days I’m not as angry. The anger sets in when I think of everything you said. Going back to beginning of this past year, I never asked you for anything, never told you I wanted to be with you, never asked you to leave her, never asked you to choose me. So i’d first like to understand why you spun that story? Its hard to feel like it wasn’t to manipulate me, because as i said i never asked you for anything. Why put on a front, you built up hope i never had. then snatched them away in the cruelest way possible.
You portray yourself as a good person. Are you? Or is this really all my fault? Should i have listened to everyone and everything i saw. You showed me who you were so many times. Why wouldn’t I believe you?
You cause chaos and then vanish. I don’t know if you consider what you leave behind. When you leave, you don’t leave empty handed. You take my sleep with you, you take away my ability to close my eyes and dream. All I do is stay awake crying, hoping that exhaustion will come so my eyes can find some momentary relief, Do you consider this when you? Does it occur to you that it pains me to sleep in the bed where you told me so many lies, the bed where I dreamed of what we could build together. No you took my sleep and carried it with you to your room where you sleep peacefully, I remember how that feels.
When you leave you take my sanity. How do you expect me to not question every moment and every second of our interactions since the day we met. I wonder how much of my destruction did you plan and how much was accidental. You take away my trust, not only in the world but in me, I believed everything. How could I ever trust my judgement again. My eyes left me so blind to you. Did you ever stop to think that I will see you in every man from now on. Did you ever stop to think that like so many girls i dreamed of a prince charming, did it occur to you that the fear you left in me might leave me to scared to notice him when he comes.
I don’t reach out to you because it makes me feel good. The humiliation of a unanswered text or plea for love does not make my heart sore like you seem to think it does. I reach out to you because my mind is not yet capable of understanding. Understanding how someone who was so ingrained in my life has ceased to exist. My brain is not ready to let you go.
You left me with no remorse. The situation is irreversible, i know. But you owe me su much more than your excuses. I moved the world for you, I showed you love I didn’t know i was capable of.
Love doesn’t sound the same anymore. Happy doesn’t feel the same anymore. You took so much from me and I want to forgive you. Because it has to have met something right. Somewhere in all of this you had to love me right. No one holds on for that long if they don’t love you….right?
Do you feel bad at all? Do you think about me, or do I only cross your mind when your guilt is staring you in the face.
The worse part of it all is you gave me no goodbye, so I have to pick myself and move on with no closure no last word, barely a memory of the last time I saw you.
You didn’t have to break me, I’ll never get over that.
I don’t want to regret you or wonder. I want to move past this soul crushing pain and forget you ever entered my life, since thats what you did to me. Crushed me then went right on living.
I understand why people live in fear of loving, its people like you that crush those courageousness enough to open there hearts.
You’ll never read this and you’ll never even care.
Bye,
The girl you left behind