Today was my first day in my new position as a genetic analyst, but all I have been able to think about is the weight of this ring. The weight of knowing that four years ago today I slipped this ring on my finger while not being able to sleep after finding my dad dead. The weight of the trauma from that day. The weight of missing him is excruciating and after four years it hasn’t gotten easier, it just changes where it lays and how I react to that weight. I know now how capable I am so I don’t want your positive comments. It still hurts and it’s supposed to because my love for my father was profound. It has been four years of trying to cope. Four years of still being in shock. Four years of TRYING to find healthy coping mechanisms. Four years of crying over certain songs, movies, memories. Four years of searching for comfort and failing. Four years of being dropped by friends who can’t handle how much I’ve changed. Four years without seeing my dad or hearing his voice and I still don’t know how I’ve managed to live this long without him. #wordvomit #itstillhurtslikehell #itdoesntgetbetter #lovehurts #ptsd #death https://www.instagram.com/p/BoaJGm2DS7Ao0tjvXFCgqV3IY4MBrFSWcTj7Nc0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1tfe64c66iwai