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A post shared by garbage (@garbage) on Oct 16, 2019 at 8:27am PDT

It shouldn’t be this way.

I had the worst anxiety attack I’ve ever had today. I pulled up to Gavin’s school and there were police everywhere including a fire truck and ambulances. Turns out it was a car crash. No clue why the fuck so many police were there... but it triggered me BAD.

I had to go to another parking lot and try to calm down. I was shaking so hard my teeth were chattering, my muscles were spasming like crazy, I thought I was going to throw up, couldn’t get my breathing under control. I got myself together after a little while and went and got Gavin. But then I went home, drank a beer in a bubble bath and cried a whole lot again.

Today I learned that pretty much every Halsey song is a delicious punch to my gut. #ouch #ithurts #ithurtsgoodthough https://www.instagram.com/p/By2r9n6JWKMcluzcqmKwMrLPK_V_dYR-wdwz9A0/?igshid=y2u9bauwour

#ouch #ithurts #ithurtsgoodthough

I’ve been having a whole lot of trouble dealing with the hate in the world but Machine Head and Zen-tangles help. I’m so happy I saw these guys live. They give me some faith in humanity. Bastards and Be Still and Know are my “calm down” songs when my anxiety is bad. #machinehead @machine_head #zentangles https://www.instagram.com/p/ByWagdOptX1RAatOdwbi25h1jZoWi-6CltVX7Y0/?igshid=yi4eobm61ul2

#machinehead #zentangles

This afternoon and evening were really nice. 🥰 https://www.instagram.com/p/BwqWlSTp8Zcj7YlWGCRsEV2IBrR1JUaFdxXviM0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=jknlrmph5p5q

Weird anxiety doodle. https://www.instagram.com/p/BwcZEpoJD6pfhXomTIisSaF_pwjygtaPWm36Q00/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=13dr3edwsfpb9

Bittersweet

I have decided to accept an offer on the home I’ve inherited from my dad. While I know it’s the right decision, I feel as if my heart is being absolutely demolished. It’s bringing my PTSD memories and nightmares back hardcore so I will probably be writing a whole lot more here again. This is my safe space.

Sometimes it feels really good to quietly remove toxic people from your life and then continue slaying and succeeding. #ifeelbetternow #itneededtohappen #ilovedthembuttheydidntloveme #cantpleaseeveryone #wishyouwellfromafar #bye https://www.instagram.com/p/BvnCw87J0CnBg72snbLY4c6sLK8xb3aBx_ieeo0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=p5my2d63kaso

#ifeelbetternow #itneededtohappen #ilovedthembuttheydidntloveme #cantpleaseeveryone #wishyouwellfromafar #bye

No matter how hard I try to do better and better people still drag shut up from the past. They still talk shit. They still use me as a topic for gossip. It is enraging. I don’t believe in monogamy but that doesn’t make me a band person. I don’t gossip. I am kind. I am sincere. I don’t entertain others when they come to me with gossip. I’m just so done with it. I want peace. I moved across the fucking country and it still comes back to me. I just want it to stop. I need it all to stop. Who I do or do not sleep with doesn’t fucking effect these people.

I’m eating a can of cranberry sauce because for some reason that’s the first thing that seems appetizing to me in days. I’ve been pretty sick. I went to the doctor this morning thinking I was getting pneumonia but it turns out I have a sinus infection and severe asthma. Hopefully my new pile of meds will kick in soon but I feel pretty defeated to have another illness to add to the list. I’ve had asthma but it was never really a huge setback for me. I already have chronic pain from TOS, an autoimmune disease, and several mental health issues. I’m just so tired. https://www.instagram.com/p/BvDP7XKjxUdYppC7FpXhrxhRP0NIM8dvi4QkiA0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=yszvbu4kxpvb

So relevant.

"I can guarantee someone in your circle is benefiting from that 'poison you would never come near.'"

https://themighty.com/2019/02/health-privilege-psychiatric-medication/?utm_source=Mighty_MH_Page&utm_medium=Facebook&utm_campaign=Link_Contributor&fbclid=IwAR37ftErkSHvb4ToQJRKzAsmPePrBJUEI6DXEzhne_xmwFlik0YbPyrKsmU

relatablepoetryandquotes

via @extramadness

magnetictoxin

I needed this.

I’m having a horrible time lately in my head. My depression is the worst it’s been in a very long time. While I am not a danger to anyone else or myself, my logic doesn’t stop the suicidal thoughts from invading and it’s absolutely maddening and exhausting to fight. But here I am, fighting. All fucking day and night.

I miss my ex lover and getting lost in him when my demons were bad. He had a way of turning the screaming in my head to white noise. I hate myself for missing him. I hate myself for hurting so many people simply because I loved him. I don’t feel like I will ever get over it and times like these magnify these thoughts and feelings. I was so stupid.

But I am working on healthy coping mechanisms. The weather has been cold and terrible and it’s giving me sinus issues. The cold also makes my rheumatoid bad. Being in pain and feeling sick definitely isn’t helpful to my mental state and I was low on vitamin D when I lived in Florida so I’m definitely not getting enough here which can contribute to depression. I’ve started taking vitamin D supplements again so here’s to hoping they kick in soon. I basically feel unimportant and mostly invisible to everyone but my son and my dogs.

It’s a real shit feeling.

I’m trying.

#imtrying

I often feel weird about the people who have only known me post trauma. I am truly a different person.

I had a meltdown this morning but then I did my makeup pretty and chopped up my hair and I feel A little better. https://www.instagram.com/p/Bt_gyybjA8RLSwL9SF48aXKKlBSTv6UnoiAV4M0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=pnfa1xbyl7xg

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