25012016: Happy with ZS
Monday - isn’t really a day that everyone look forward to, I was no exception. I would say that it was quite a draining day, although most things went ok for me. Counting my blessings here.
Day passed by with all the hustle and bustle. Bumped into Mr Bear Hug.. Rushed for meeting and also rushed to my TCM cos I needed to get things fixed. Embarrassed cos I didnt have enough money with me cos meds was for 3 weeks. Luckily, TCM was great and told me it is ok to owe them and pay on my next visit.
Rushed back to office to get meetings done. Did a site inspection with colleagues and when all things ended, I needed to go forum to get my tea fix. Headed to destination with a colleague and bumped into another colleague who has been looking for me, so I chatted with him and sorted out the work that I needed to work out with him.
Whilst talking to him, I saw a familiar back of someone I knew... But I continued my unfinished conversation and I could see from my peripheral sight that ZS was peering his eyes and looking in my direction. When our line of sight met, he waved and smiled brightly at me so I waved and smiled back acknowledging him too.
So I was done with the colleague and left to converge with the other colleague who was waiting for me to go get tea. I told her to get my drink for me cos I need to take a seat as I was really bushed. Partly true but partly also becos I was hoping that ZS will walk over to chat with me.
So I sat there watching some motion graphic and mumbling to myself when ZS walked up to me asking if I was talking to myself. I looked up and gave him my brightest smile, partly becos I was happily excited that he had took the effort to walk over to speak with me. Partly becos I really yearned to speak with him.
Initially, he stood while I was seated down. After a while, ZS decided to sit beside me to chat, he nearly fell when trying to sit. Colleague walked over with my tea and I told her I will take a break at where I am first before going back to office, so she left.
We continued our nonsensical chat while looking at the motion graphic that says $12million jackpot prize and I started to say how much money I would want to have so that I can pay off my housing loan and how I can go ahead to quit my job so that I can go travelling. That’s how our conversation went on about travelling - told him that I need a break soon and he went ‘I thought you just came back from Europe not too long ago?’ I laugh and went ‘hmmm.. but that was May last year. oh ya, I also just came back from BKK in Nov too. But I am going to BKK again in Mar, but before that I’m going to do Borobudur!! and this May, it will be Russia!’ I think he just one cannot take it and shook his head ‘and you still say you want to go Europe?’ Told him about the Remote Year programme where you can pay $27,000 and go to 12 places in the whole year. And he started to ask if that includes spending money blah blah blah. For some reasons we started doing some calculation and I told him ‘Well based on calculation, I still have like $4000+ for spending!’ He shot me a look in the eye and went ‘From our understanding of ZSPrincess, we are fully aware that that is not enough...and that’s from my understanding of you ok!’ both of us just laughed.
I asked him where is he travelling to this year and he told me he was going to Krabi! I told him i was there in Oct and it’s a beautiful place. So he asked me what I did there, I was like ‘nua lor’... But i told him he could dive since he does that. Suddenly he went ‘ya nua and it rained on you right?!’ it took me a while to remember that... Ya it did rained on me.. I almost totally forgotten about it, best i actually wrote it on my LINE timeline. Last night, I revisited that post and realised I had wrote quite a bit of things that was about my feelings for ZS still..
He then told me ‘anyway, wherever you went, it has always rained on you right?!’ It only struck me that I mentioned to him in June 2015 when I bumped into him when I got back from Europe, I had told him that Munchen, Stuttgart & London rained on me, just to show me how it was like to have a rainy day in Europe. Inside me, I was very happy that he still remembers what I said so long ago.
Complained to ZS that I had to work on CNY1 and he told me that he, too, is working and is only off on CNY3 & CNY15. But we both knew that we are going away, separately, on the last few days of Feb but will have to be back on 29 Feb. He, becos he had forgotten that 2016 is leap year so he didnt apply leave. Me, was becos boss didnt approve. So conclusion is that both the poor souls have to be back at work on a Monday >.<
During the conversation, we were on work and I suddenly realised that he didnt like the idea that I have gone to the dark side. His words were ‘you went to a place where i thought you wouldnt have gone but you did it anyway’ I could sensed that he was upset but I told him that I had to leave the other place cos there wasnt any way out there for me.
For the short half hour, there was a mutual feeling that neither of us wanted to leave. Neither of us want to go back to our desk. Neither of us wanted to leave that seat in forum. Neither of us wanted to be the first to say that we needed to get back to reality cos we know or rather dont know when is the next time we can sit so closely together to chat again. Sitting there was just such a comforting moment for both us. Although there was a fair bit of disturbance cos familiar faces walked by and I had to acknowledge them.
Sitting next to each other, feeling each other’s warmth was one of those things that we had missed for a long time. In that 1,800secs we went back in time. We went back to the times when we were still together. We may not say it but the conversations and small things that he said melted my heart. Things that I had told him only once were repeated like I had been repeating to him. Words that he said showed me that he still cared a lot for me, just for some reasons, we had to keep each other at arm’s length. Surprisingly, I still feel love from him...sometimes I wished I have the guts to tell him that I still like him a lot and wanted to get back with him. But I stopped myself cos I dont want to lose him. I still want him to love me deep in his heart, i want him to be ready and he needs to want to want us back again. I will update my LINE timeline periodically so that he knows what I am going thru and let him keep me in his heart forever.
This song that I am playing while writing this is so adept - Secret Love Song by Little MIx. Its about 2 persons who are in love but cant be together for some reasons. I wished that one day, ZS and I will overcome this and be together again.
I missed him, missed his hugs, missed his kisses and texts too. I missed his love and I missed Us. The love that we have is real and we both know.