[dearieprincess]

08.02.2018 - Chilly weather

I wanted to write a lot but i dunno how to start, there is just too many things on my mind now. I dont know if i can continue to carry on... I have decided to give him some space and time. I havent been texting him, neither did he. He is home in Singapore but has chosen to not let me know at all. Even though we have agreed not to meet, he decided to even say that he is unsure of when he will be back. 

I’m really very upset with this whole arrangement, i dont know what is going on. I wanted to know more but i have spoken to Aloysius, my therapist, yes, i went back for treatment - and Aloysius told me that i should write a note to him to give him some space. This note is also to help get me back and to make sure that i also give myself a chance to get back the relationship. So i wrote to him on 1 Feb 2018 at 4am, i woke up and sum up courage to write him the note. Surprisingly he replied with ‘Thanks for giving me space’ 

Maybe, he really need the space. I know he isnt happy at work. He didnt seemed to be happy at home too. And here I am, it seemed that I kept giving him additional problem.. like throwing tantrum. 

I know he doesnt like it but some how, i am feeling very insecure. On one hand, i am worried about him going back to his wife. On another hand, i am also afraid that he is seeing someone new... i really feel very insecure, and i really wanted his love. 

I hope he will settle his issues at home soon so that we can continue where we left off. I just wanna get back with him, so that we can continue to walk our future together. 

Darling, i love you and i do know that the feeling is mutual. if not you wouldnt have feel so troubled with me. If not, you wouldnt have replied me. 

Darling, i will continue to love you and i miss you very badly. Please come back soon, like by Valentine’s Day... I love you, sweetheart. 

[dearieprincess]

05.May.2017 The day we kissed

it started as an ordinary day cos I had to work and the only things that was different was that Em, Mr Bear Hug and me are going for a drink that evening. 

He was supposed to go away the next day to KL as he had something to attend to. So he had gotten me to book his ticket earlier and i thought he would back out and so i did pass him his ticket on Thur so in case he doesnt turn up.. he wont be left in a lurch. I remembered giving him a hug when i met him on Thur as he told me he was going for an interview and since he left, i have not given him a hug for all the shit that he has been going thru, so i gave him a hug. 

I knew he was disappointed and hence the hug was a very tight one which i thought he definitely needed one like that. We parted ways and agreed that we will meet the next day. 

So on Friday, i know i do look forward to seeing him again as i would be gone on Tuesday night for my Europe trip. He mentioned that we shouldnt be driving but you know i wont be able to cos i need to get to work. He didnt drive and hence he texted me at 430pm to tell me that he would leave his place earlier, as we were all supposed to be meeting at 630pm, he requested that I see him at 615pm instead. i agreed and told my boss that i would need to leave work 15 mins earlier so that i could get to the meeting place in timel, knowing him that he will pester me if i am late. 

I reached the place and as usual, he will pester me until he sees me. We sat ourselves down before Em as she was still settling some work. 

He then broke that news to me that he has found something overseas and he will be leaving soon. He will leave on 22 May 2017 for North Asia, i was definitely devastated upon the news. I am devastated as i want to have more time with him... i was devastated as the night was the last time i am going to see him. ... So anything after that that he was sharing was just a state of blur... he was showing me where he was staying and what his kids said and whatever details of what was happening were just a state of blur. I didnt want to show it so i acted like I was so happy for him. 

Finally Em came and we were just chatting and Em said that she is going to Club Street to meet her friends and asked us to go along. Initially, he and I werent very keen as i was hoping to spend me lone time with him. But for some good reasons, he decided that he will go and so we adjourned to Club Street. 

We reached there and went to his old place, which coincidentally opposite Victor’s place so i left them to go over to chat with Victor for a while. All these times i was trying to forget the fact that he is going to leave and i will not be seeing him again. 

Finally, i got back to where we were and we had some drinks and a bowl of warm noodles. After eating, Em’s friend came and we wanted to leave. He asked me to send him back which i was ok with and we headed off. I popped into Victor’s place to bid goodbye and joined him. So I took to opportunity to do a selfie with him as i told him i have not really done a photo with him. I must say that photo was one that i cherish a lot and it was one which we were both smiling lovingly. 

We headed off after that and just kept bickering in the car until we reached the downstairs of his flat. We had chosen to park the car in front of the garbage collection area while he gets off. 

He knew that we will not be seeing each other again and we decided to hug.. to hug for a long time. After which, he opened the door and was about to leave but decided to turn around and hug me again. He wasnt ready to leave so am I... we parted for a while and he told me ‘I will not get to see you again after this cos you are going away and i will be leaving’ i told him that yes, apparently that is the arrangement. 

He then proceed to close the door and hugged me again. He hugged me as tightly as he could, and refused to let go... i didnt want to let go too but i knew i had to so to comfort him, he gave him a peck on his cheeks and he started to kiss my neck. he just continued to kiss and finally the kiss went to my lips. There were no stopping... 

We kissed for quite a while and none of us wanted to stop... finally he stopped and he told me that he like me but he is sorry.. he kept repeating ‘i’m sorry’ but i told him that it was ok.. cos he had never promised anything - which is the truth. He had never promised me anything for he cant cos he has kids and a legal partner, so what can he promised me? 

In a way, we both knew that this relationship will be how it is cos there will not be a ‘happily-ever-after’ ending. He will never leave his partner and kids, he will never leave that house so nothing good will come out of it.... 

We knew the ending but we had to confess our love for each other cos that may be the first and last time for us. We continued kissing for a long time, we just didnt think and continued to kiss right underneath his block... on hindsight, what would have happened if she walked past or his kids walked past?? 

We had to part ways eventually, so he got off and waited for me to drive off. I was glad, he didnt let me see his back view leaving cos i wouldnt have been able to take that scene. While i was driving away, i could hear my phone beeping away with incoming text from him. I have a customised ring tone for him and so i knew that was from him. I drove myself hime while renaissance that kiss we just had. 

I got home and read the text: ‘love you darling’  ‘i’m sorry’ ‘Darling good night’ ‘Love you’ ‘Please text me when u get home’ ‘The kisses has nothing to do w alcohol. It felt good’ 

I replied to him and told him that i am aware that the kisses had nothing to do with the alcohol. 

I know at the back of my mind that we have really fallen for each other... but becos of circumstances, there is no way we can be together. There is no way he is leaving his legal partner to be with me.. at the back of our mind, we know in this life, i will also be two separate being. 

I know jolly well that i will forever be the third party. I will always be known as the family wrecker whether he stays or leave his wife. I will forever be the xiao san that everyone would hate. Nobody is ever gonna blame him or his wife for the marriage breakdown cos i will always be the one to blame. 

I know this may not be the ‘truth’ but it will always be the truth that everyone would see and believe. 

But this would always be the day and moment that we would remember.. the kiss will always be something we cherish... that moment will always be etched in our brain for a long long time... for we both have waited very long for this moment and this kiss to happen. 

[dearieprincess]

24.April.2017 - its been a while

...since i last wrote here. a lot have happened for the last 12 months. many things have changed, people have changed, even i have changed. 

I am now a more calmed person, i know that there are things that i cant change and hence I dont get upset anymore. I beginning to leave things in the hands of God. I realized that there are things that i cannot forced. I am moving on from where i left off, i am no longer angry with the fact that he moved on to have a family, i even acknowledged him even when i dont have to. 

I see work as just work - its not everything and work is just a mean to an end. 

I am able to accept a love that may not necessary be right as of now. I feel loved by someone who i know and stood by me all these while.. we have gone from just being friends to calling each other ‘Darling’ or ‘Dear’. He had gone from ‘u lucky i like u’ to ‘u lucky i adore u’..  We both know that it is not easy for us to be addressing each other with such terms. and it is definite a conscious effort for him to use the word ‘adore’.. we have our fair share of tough time with our partners. he has always admired me for my courage to pack up and leave just so that i can be happy. I have admire him for his perseverance for staying with his partner for the sake of his kids. 

He has shared things which i think he may not have shared with other friends.. eg sharing his kids photos with me. Something i dont think he will do with an ordinary friend. I know how much his kids meant to him and i have tried to always tell him to not leave his partner mentally but i doubt i succeed in doing so. The only reason why i would not encourage him to walk out of it is becos i know how it feels to be walked out by your partner. I am different, i am ready to be walked out cos i know how it felt and maybe it wont hurt as much for me anymore even if he does walk out of me for I am the extra. 

Maybe we are connected and have the meeting of minds becos we are both upset. maybe when he is happier at work and at home, i may no longer be needed. Maybe he will be true to us. i dont know why i always have the feeling that he will walked out of me .. maybe i no longer believe.. i no longer believe that love exist. maybe i dont believe that i deserved to be loved again. but i think i no longer believed that love exist, not anymore when i decided that i only have myself after 17 years.. 

Well, i am now tired. i need to sleep.. yes i do sleep early now, sometimes i sleep at 10pm or even earlier. I will come back to writing again cos i finally got a new lappy after thinking for so long.. till then.. nite nite world.   

[dearieprincess]

11.May.2016 - ZS, Me & Mr Bear Hug

Day started great. It’s the last working day at CM, and it will be the last working day before I have a good break. Woke up earlier cos maybe I was excited about the happenings. Text came in from Mr Bear Hug with updates on his liaison with some people. When I reached office, he told me he was heading to Loading H for prayers, which I told him I just reached office and will see him there. I got there, prayed and waited for him. He came, prayed and we went off to another prayer place. While on the way there, he was asking about my ability to cook and that’s where the whole conversation went haywired. Cos I told him I dunno how to cook white rice and he started explaining how to do it ... all the way from loading bays to TB. All this while, I was being ‘lectured’ but it was damn funny that I couldn’t help but kept laughing... He was totally speechless, and I was so amused that a HOD was teaching me how to cook plain rice. All becos I had asked my mom to cook potluck for me at 7am on Monday. 

While at TB queuing up for my coffee, we saw ZS walking out of another coffee place with his 2 colleagues. He saw me animatedly talking to Mr Bear Hug and they walked into the confectionery. They walked out and he purposely came over to say hi to Mr Bear Hug and me, as a by the way... Spoke and joked a bit with me and he left with the 2 girls. All this while the conversation was more between him and me. I think they just cannot believed that their HOD is there queuing up with me, and the 2 girls just giggled at me. 

You see, I think a lot of people have been seeing me with Mr Bear Hug. I am quite sure they would have wondered what’s our relationship. I bet there will be scandalous rumour about us just that I didn’t get to hear it yet. There are definitely more times where people have saw us alone together vs with a group. The girls have definitely seen me with him a couple of times, whereas ZS is the first time seeing us together, (something I have always wanted him to see and know) I am sure the girls have told him that they have spotted us together quite many times. 

In the afternoon, I needed a coffee break after a meeting, so I texted Mr Bear Hug, and we wanted to meet in the park. However, it was pouring heavily when I reached ZS office. I stood there texting Mr Bear Hug, and viola, ZS walked into my sight right outside his office. Without saying anything he told me ‘wait, I get you umbrella’ without me even opening my mouth. He went in and grabbed me an umbrella, which I told him ‘wait, let me see if I should even go across in the heavy rain’ ... he was like ‘where you going??’ take the umbrella with you, it will be fine. I kept telling him to wait while I continued to text Mr Bear Hug. I told him that I was going into the park and his umbrella is too small and I needed a bigger one. He insisted that it was ok but I insisted I want a bigger umbrella but told him to hold the door open cos I was feeling hot. He signalled to me to go into his office while he got me a bigger one.The thing with ZS, he always give in to me, until today as long as I start to throw tantrum. He always give in without fail, and it melts my heart.

I continued to text, and throwing tantrum cos I wanted coffee but I didn’t want to be drenched. So I finally told him, 

Me: Hmphm, angry. I don’t want to go already cos I don’t want to be drenched.   ZS: You won’t get drenched cos the umbrella very big already, anything bigger will have to be that size *pointing to an umbrella shade* The max your shoes will get wet... oh but if your shoes are wet, you fall, then you will get wet....hahha Me: OK, not going over le .. .I go TB.  ZS: Go TB, didn’t you have TB this morning?  Me: Ya but I need at least 3 coffee per day... ZS: OK OK, I know I know you have got superhero (lifeline, I can’t really rem which was the word he said but it was something along these two) to call out for help too right. Think I don’t know *looking a littleangry with jealousy* Me: *caught off guard* err.. how you know? How you know I got superhero to save me?  ZS: Of course I know la (I could hear a hint of jealousy in him, which made me secretly happy) 

Before we parted, I told him I am moving office cos I managed to get out of CM, and he asked if I am going back to corporate office, I told him no..moving on property but I didn’t say more, and we parted ways. 

The funny thing with ZS - it’s just very interesting on how we are not together but we are still caring about each other. We won’t waste any opportunity to speak to each other even for a short while, even when he was on duty on Sat,06.May.2016. We will just speak and hear each other’s voice.... And sometimes, I realised that he seemed to know things about me and do get concern (like how he doesn’t want me in CM) or jealous becos I have a superhero to call out too. 

Sometimes, we are just very telepathetic. There are times where I wished I will get to see him and he would appear right in front of me with his bright smile. We somehow would know that we are unhappy and tries to cheer each other up, sometimes he gets jealous about certain thing about me and will be sarcastic with me .. And sometimes, he will remind me of things that I said to him more than 18 months ago...which still makes me feel very touched and I like that cos it’s a very sweet feeling. He still melts my heart, sometime. 

At times, I really want to go back to the old times, sometimes I wished we had never told each other our feelings for that would have kept our friendship and chat windows on LINE longer. 

[iglovequotes]

http://iglovequotes.net/

[dearieprincess]

I also know that ZS is also not over us ...

[dearieprincess]

05.Mar.2016 - ZS & Me

A note to remind myself.

Today was interesting cos I get to work with ZS for the event. Hence, we had no choice but to spend the evening together, at work. I must say I did enjoy the work though it was a Saturday. We chatted for quite a while when he saw me sitting alone at the reception. We chatted for quite a while on some mundane stuff but at least, he made the effort to speak with me and I really really appreciate. I hope that is his way of telling me that he still like and in love with me. Cos I think i didn’t really have the courage to start confessing to him. I missed this kind of conversation which we can talk about anything under the sun.

Though it was talking about something that we really didn’t matter to us, I am glad that we have that airtime. All this time while running the event, we did speak for a bit, mainly on some miscellaneous stuff but i must say i thoroughly enjoyed it. Maybe I just missed talking to him, I just missed Us. 

But I must say that i enjoyed the pre-event meeting more, which happened on about 2-3 days before. We had some fun conversations before the meeting and after. I guessed it was becos we didn’t bump into each other for a while and cos I wore a very bright red dress that day and he joked about being CNY is over.... And the normal nonsensical bantering started. After the meeting, we continued with another discussion and we joked about the heels I was wearing. This has been a topic that is close to both our hearts. 

The reason is that he actually know how tall I am without my heels and though we never spoke on that, that’s the height he has always like about me. I think he also sees the fun of seeing me running in my heels which I always do without myself realising...maybe I do look funny doing that. 

I do miss ZS and I do miss Us being together. I want to still be with Us but I know maybe that is not very possible. But sometimes, human are just so stubborn, the moment we know that there is the slightest glimmer of hope, we wouldn’t give up. Maybe that is me now. I hope I will give up and stop hoping. 

If God allows us to be together, please let me know that it is possible. I really hope it is possible. God, please let us be together. 

Side note1: Mr Bear Hug purposely walked over to catch up with me when I told him I was on property. He walked all the way from wherever he was to see me and spoke to me. Cos we didn’t get to meet up for a while, maybe since I got back from Krabi. Felt so touch and I know that he is sincere about making sure that I am well... Sometimes, when we didn’t get to meet each other, he made it a point to call me which I am definitely very appreciative of that. He definitely know how to make sure that I can at least be happy and smile for a moment.  

Side note2: One of the gang finally got married and we are so happy for him. Not only were we invited to witness the union, we were part of his speech. I must say that it is an honour for me. We all have grew together, I saw the gang’s unions, childbirth and they, in turn, saw my breakup and my lows. All this while, they have also given me lots of courage to move on. I don’t know what would have been if it wasn’t for them too. 

Know what, every time I speak of the breakup I will tear... I tear not becos I am upset with the breakup, I tear becos I didn’t realise that everyone around me cared so much for me and the fact that they were so upset with me for not confiding earlier and having to go thru everything by myself. 

[iglovequotes]

http://iglovequotes.net/

[dearieprincess]

I still like talking to ZS, hopefully he feels the same way too 

[iglovequotes]

http://iglovequotes.net/

[dearieprincess]

Its me and ZS 

[dearieprincess]

29042016: ZS walked me back to my office

My day started earlier than usual today as there was a meeting at 9am in the office. So I reached office at 830am and went for my coffee, I was at my desk at about 850am before my meeting started. A meeting that was supposed to be 1.5hours ended in 15mins cos no one really prep for the meeting. So when it all finally ended, I went to meet the ‘Elites’ for breakfast as what was planned. 

Had a great catch up with them cos its been a long time since the 4 of us sat together. But I had to leave earlier than the rest cos I try to be back at my desk before 1030am. So I bid them bye and went off. While walking out of the breakfast place, I saw a familiar face walking towards my direction. It was ZS. I walked in his direction and was looking at my phone, and he made the first move to say hi. 

ZS: You actually eat breakfast? Me: Errr... errr.. ZS: You actually came here to eat breakfast Me: Ermmm yes, eat breakfast cos I started my day damn early ... 

So we walked a bit and I asked him.. ‘Eh how come nowadays grow shorter?’ and he was like looking at my shoes... ‘OK OK is my heels got higher’ 

We then proceeded to walk but I had no clue where we were walking to. I dont know if he was walking to the other attraction or he is just gonna walk with me  towards my office. He sensed that we were getting nowhere and asked where I am going, so I told him that I was going back to my office and he just carried on with me. We talked about random things along the way... I started complaining that I had nothing to do and it was driving me nuts, and he told me that is like what I had always wished for. I updated him that how i just watched the clock daily and its killing me 

He also went on to update me on what he is doing like how he was involved in the new F&B outlet. I was like ‘What has it gotta do with you’ and he went on to tell me why.. Along the way, he asked me which way I was taking and continued to walk with me.. Then he went on to tell me how he bumped into one of my colleagues and she had asked him for his number... I was like ‘why she wants your number for?!’ and he went ‘ya, I kept asking her too’ but he gave her after a while cos apparently she kept pestering him... but he told me that he cant be bothered when she gave him a missed call. 

So we reached the escalator at the convention hall, and I thought we would part ways there cos we stopped there for a bit. But nope, we didnt. He continued to ask where I was going and took the escalator with me. While on the escalator, he was initially standing one step below me and he started to move next to me and up one step above me. So I asked him what was he doing and he went  ZS: I’m not used to be looking up at you so better to stand one step above you Me: Hahaha why you not used to me looking down at you is it?  ZS: Ya sort of Me: Well, you know there is something you can do right?! All you have to do is to take away my shoes and you will forever get the chance to look down on me lor.’

By then, we reached the door towards the carpark. And I thought he would bid goodbye but he didn’t. He continued to walk with me into my office area... All these time while we were walking he continued to be the gentlemen that I have always knew, he opened the door and allowed me in first. 

We spoke about how I break my heels and like how many pairs of heels I have used. I told him maybe i was getting fat and he went ‘no! you are not fat!’ But I told him I would still want to down another 2kgs if I can :)

We chatted for another 5-10mins right outside my office door.. Talking from work to eating at cafeteria to spending money with my credit cards... I actually tapped the door twice but didn’t go in cos there was a reluctant to stop the conversation from the both of us. But we eventually had to cause we knew somehow we got to end it. We parted way and he went ‘See you, I will see you when I see you :)’ I told him ‘thank you for walking me back to office’ 

I and him, both wished that we can continue on but it was not very possible. If we can, i am sure we both want to go back to where we were previously. I hope he is still able to read all my updates on LINE cos I really wrote that for him. 

I want to go back to days that we can chat nonstop on the phone about anything & everything. And i want to go back to the days when he can just give me a hug whenever I need one... 

If there is something call wishes, I want to get back with ZS again

PS: I will write more about 05032016 where ZS & I had a chance to work together, and what happened on 1st or 2nd March meeting. 

[dearieprincess]

09022016: Truth surfaced and it did hurt.

Truth hurts no matter how prepared you are and this holds true for me. It was a truth that I always wanted to know and thot I was prepared but when I came face to face with it, it still hurt. Just when I saw the truth, a tweet came 'if you really want to know the answer... you will' from @pen_named'. God speaks, that's all I can say. Cos I did want the truth but maybe I wasn't prepared, no matter how prepared I was. I took 3 years to live with a massive amount of uncertainty and come to a decision. Another 1 over year to accept and start living my life.. and truth have to surface now. What a joke my life have been. Now I got to restart all over again, for real. 妹妹told me that it's over and whatever the reason is, it's no longer valid. No longer valid. While I took 3 years to ponder what went wrong, you took that time to build another. My intuition told me that you were with someone else all this while but I consciously chose to trust that you won't do that to me but I was obviously wrong. If you have told me you wanted out then I won't have wasted so much time. Best, you went telling people that I derailed that's why we parted.. 我曾经以为这世上有一生一世, 原来一生一世就像ZS说的'I hope there is such a thing'... Becos of you, I missed out on a person who I had wanted to be with badly. He walked me thru this wreck when I almost gave up on myself, treated me much better than you did, and taught me that I am still worthy of love. I had wanted to be with him very badly but i didn't want to get him in this fix. If he ever sees this, God, do let him know that I really still want very badly to be with him now. Yes, I am angry. I am upset. I am disappointed with myself. I am angry with why I allowed myself to go thru all this. I am angry with myself for letting someone I wanted badly go. Why did I let you rob me of my happiness! I no longer function properly. I don't eat cos hunger was no longer a pain. I don't sleep without medication. My body breaks down whenever it wants to and I got no control over it. Every day, I put on a brave front while battling with everything that is crumbling inside. I fake as much as I can just so that nobody can see what's beyond the glassy eyes and empty laughter. The one who sees thru all these is probably Mr Bear Hug and he can't do much for me. I pray that God's plan to put me back again on a trip to where i was in Oct2015, where I found my first drop of rain and the amazing power of stopping - the same place where I will find myself and stand on my own again. . All I can do now is to pray for strength to carry on. Pray that either I get over it or that no one can tell what I am going thru until I get up by myself. Maybe it will be tomorrow when the sun rises or maybe only God has the answer. #sometimeswejusthavetoletthingsgo #truthhurtsnomatterwhat #可能这世上真的没有一生一世 #我曾经傻傻以为我们会一直走下去

[dearieprincess]

05022016:: Happy Lizzy Scare with ZS

Today started off as a normal day where I don’t have much expectations other than waiting to get f… although it was better after my chat with Aloysious, I was still a little rocky inside. My visit to Aloysious made me realised that I was riding in someone else’s roller coaster which I shouldn’t be in at all.. so I learnt. Noted and point taken. So it started with Mr Bear Hug.. he is still not in the best mood and asked me to go lunch with the usual gang. Of course, I went and it was near ZS’s office. We had lunch had some good laughter though both of us were nothing near happy. Maybe it was becos we knew each other so well, our acting had failed each other big time. We laughed but we were both faking it. Not sure, if the others knew but we both sure knew. After lunch, we parted ways as we headed in different direction.. I decided that I will walk into ZS’s office with the hope of bumping into him. As I walked past his office, he was talking/playing with his colleagues. I walked past him just so that he gets to see me and I get to see him. I merely wanted my presence felt by him. Which, of course, my presence was felt by him. While walking towards the door, I stopped in the path way cos a lizard decided to cross my path. Another guy saw it and went after it while I stunned there for a while… that’s when ZS came near me. While the guy crossing my path, lizard crossing to the other side I panicked and wanted to quickly make my way out of the door. ZS was quick to be by my side nearer to the Lizard while I was half screaming on my way out, holding on to his sleeve and using him as a human shield. Once out of the door, he started laughing while I started throwing tantrum of why the Lizard appeared in my path. The unreasonable princess traits came out naturally. And he just couldn’t stop smiling at my nonsense. He then proceed to walk me out of the BOH. As we were walking, he asked how was I and I told him ok but just tired. I believe he had read about my upset and how I cried my eyes out. For some reasons, I sensed a relieve in his vibes. We were talking and he went: ZS: it’s OK. Take MC…  Me: no, I still need to clean my house and get things done. Sun got reunion dinner, Mon to work early in the morg, Tue… ZS: Tue is PH cannot take MC Me: ya! Then Wed got to work and do rehearsal and Thursday and Fri got to do gala and then continue event inside casino and thru the whole weekend. Then Mon got to come back work cos ppl on leave … then till 19. .19 cannot take MC cos I am pm leave and travelling till 24 Feb… ZS: then you take while on leave lor Me: you don’t curse me .. Cos I kena-ed before where I spent one one day sleeping in the hotel. That was like such expensive MC cos hotel was ex. We broke into laughter and by then we were already standing outside for a while chatting away.  ZS: I think other than planning leave, now we need available calendar to plan MC. 

We laughed and went on to about me being busy where I complained that sometimes I don’t even know what I am busy with for all those weird meetings that were non-conclusional and contradictory. I just took the chance to whine and whine like a baby to ZS. But both of us knew we have got to part cos we have work to go back to. But we still tried to prolong our conversation where I said his shoes were nice cos I have the urge to step on it. His reaction was ‘yours nice too though a little too big cos you are slipping forward’. Told him that’s becos I am too fat. He went ‘really? Fat again?’ Accompanied by rolling eyes… hahaha We had to part though we both didn’t want to. He said he had to go back to a briefing. He walked away from the briefing cos he saw me and he wanted to walk with me… honestly that was so sweet and it made me happy 😊 cos that’s what I wanted to hear and I am glad he started to say it again. He then walked a little further with me before making his way back. We parted but it left me with a sweet feeling. Feels love for sure. Went back to office to continue my work and meetings. Was at a meeting venue when I got the 2nd scare in the day… this time I met Xiao Qiang aka cockroach!!! I really couldn’t believe my luck. So after the meeting, I couldn’t contain it and had to call ZS to tell him my encounter. Though I feel silly but I really wanted to share with him. He picked up the phone almost quite fast, so we chatted for a short while. Told him I had to call him just to talk nonsense and hanged up. Don’t ask me why I called instead of text. Maybe I just wanted to hear his voice again. A large part of me really wants to get back with him. I don’t know if I want him back as a friend or as a romantic partner. Either way, I do want him back. Let’s hope that he feels the same way too and God to answer our prayers. For now, let’s hope that we have more chance to talk to each other. Hope there are more chances where he will drop whatever he is doing to stay with me for a while….

[dearieprincess]

01022016:: ZS & I tried again

Monday - Didnt like this particular Monday cos I fucked up for a piece of work. I was sent into a self doubt situation for the whole of the weekend. I asked myself what got into me.. why didnt I do what I needed to do? 

Whole morning was like sh*t. But I had lunch appointment with Lynn. I decided that I will tell Lynn about my breakup. I told her that I broke up with him and she told me that she had suspected it, just that she didnt want to ask. 

And I thought all this while, I was ok.. but obviously I wasnt. I almost tear up when I was telling her that. Lynn told me that it is ok cos it better off that I am happy then I am not. Which is something that I agreed. But I never thought I would have a relapse, as what Joo had mentioned. 

That’s when I realised, maybe I really hasnt recovered. And that is when realised that I have sunk back into the non-eating again. I am not eating not solely becos I am stressed at work but also that I am having a relapse. 

I went back to work and eventually headed to the forum in the evening cos I needed to get a hot drink. There I bumped into another colleague and we had some discussion. I saw ZS at work and he saw me too. 

ZS was on the other side when he first saw me, and while I was speaking to someone he was then on the same side as me. Our line of sight met but we kept a distance as we were both busy. But while the other person was on the phone and wasnt talking to me, he walked towards me. My intuition told me that he wanted to speak with me but becos the other person hang up the phone and started talking to me, ZS backed off. 

We tried and we knew we tried hard for this conversation that didnt happen. The fact that he did try to make the effort to speak to me was the only consolation to me. 

Let us both try harder to get back together ok :) 

[dearieprincess]

25012016: Happy with ZS

Monday - isn’t really a day that everyone look forward to, I was no exception. I would say that it was quite a draining day, although most things went ok for me. Counting my blessings here. 

Day passed by with all the hustle and bustle. Bumped into Mr Bear Hug.. Rushed for meeting and also rushed to my TCM cos I needed to get things fixed. Embarrassed cos I didnt have enough money with me cos meds was for 3 weeks. Luckily, TCM was great and told me it is ok to owe them and pay on my next visit. 

Rushed back to office to get meetings done. Did a site inspection with colleagues and when all things ended, I needed to go forum to get my tea fix. Headed to destination with a colleague and bumped into another colleague who has been looking for me, so I chatted with him and sorted out the work that I needed to work out with him. 

Whilst talking to him, I saw a familiar back of someone I knew... But I continued my unfinished conversation and I could see from my peripheral sight that ZS was peering his eyes and looking in my direction. When our line of sight met, he waved and smiled brightly at me so I waved and smiled back acknowledging him too. 

So I was done with the colleague and left to converge with the other colleague who was waiting for me to go get tea. I told her to get my drink for me cos I need to take a seat as I was really bushed. Partly true but partly also becos I was hoping that ZS will walk over to chat with me. 

So I sat there watching some motion graphic and mumbling to myself when ZS walked up to me asking if I was talking to myself. I looked up and gave him my brightest smile, partly becos I was happily excited that he had took the effort to walk over to speak with me. Partly becos I really yearned to speak with him. 

Initially, he stood while I was seated down. After a while, ZS decided to sit beside me to chat, he nearly fell when trying to sit. Colleague walked over with my tea and I told her I will take a break at where I am first before going back to office, so she left. 

We continued our nonsensical chat while looking at the motion graphic that says $12million jackpot prize and I started to say how much money I would want to have so that I can pay off my housing loan and how I can go ahead to quit my job so that I can go travelling. That’s how our conversation went on about travelling - told him that I need a break soon and he went ‘I thought you just came back from Europe not too long ago?’ I laugh and went ‘hmmm.. but that was May last year. oh ya, I also just came back from BKK in Nov too. But I am going to BKK again in Mar, but before that I’m going to do Borobudur!! and this May, it will be Russia!’ I think he just one cannot take it and shook his head ‘and you still say you want to go Europe?’ Told him about the Remote Year programme where you can pay $27,000 and go to 12 places in the whole year. And he started to ask if that includes spending money blah blah blah. For some reasons we started doing some calculation and I told him ‘Well based on calculation, I still have like $4000+ for spending!’ He shot me a look in the eye and went ‘From our understanding of  ZSPrincess, we are fully aware that that is not enough...and that’s from my understanding of you ok!’ both of us just laughed. 

I asked him where is he travelling to this year and he told me he was going to Krabi! I told him i was there in Oct and it’s a beautiful place. So he asked me what I did there, I was like ‘nua lor’... But i told him he could dive since he does that. Suddenly he went ‘ya nua and it rained on you right?!’ it took me a while to remember that... Ya it did rained on me.. I almost totally forgotten about it, best i actually wrote it on my LINE timeline. Last night, I revisited that post and realised I had wrote quite a bit of things that was about my feelings for ZS still..

He then told me ‘anyway, wherever you went, it has always rained on you right?!’ It only struck me that I mentioned to him in June  2015 when I bumped into him when I got back from Europe, I had told him that Munchen, Stuttgart & London rained on me, just to show me how it was like to have a rainy day in Europe. Inside me, I was very happy that he still remembers what I said so long ago. 

Complained to ZS that I had to work on CNY1 and he told me that he, too, is working and is only off on CNY3 & CNY15. But we both knew that we are going away, separately, on the last few days of Feb but will have to be back on 29 Feb. He, becos he had forgotten that 2016 is leap year so he didnt apply leave. Me, was becos boss didnt approve. So conclusion is that both the poor souls have to be back at work on a Monday >.< 

During the conversation, we were on work and I suddenly realised that he didnt like the idea that I have gone to the dark side. His words were ‘you went to a place where i thought you wouldnt have gone but you did it anyway’ I could sensed that he was upset but I told him that I had to leave the other place cos there wasnt any way out there for me. 

For the short half hour, there was a mutual feeling that neither of us wanted to leave. Neither of us want to go back to our desk. Neither of us wanted to leave that seat in forum. Neither of us wanted to be the first to say that we needed to get back to reality cos we know or rather dont know when is the next time we can sit so closely together to chat again. Sitting there was just such a comforting moment for both us. Although there was a fair bit of disturbance cos familiar faces walked by and I had to acknowledge them. 

Sitting next to each other, feeling each other’s warmth was one of those things that we had missed for a long time. In that 1,800secs we went back in time. We went back to the times when we were still together. We may not say it but the conversations and small things that he said melted my heart. Things that I had told him only once were repeated like I had been repeating to him. Words that he said showed me that he still cared a lot for me, just for some reasons, we had to keep each other at arm’s length. Surprisingly, I still feel love from him...sometimes I wished I have the guts to tell him that I still like him a lot and wanted to get back with him. But I stopped myself cos I dont want to lose him. I still want him to love me deep in his heart, i want him to be ready and he needs to want to want us back again. I will update my LINE timeline periodically so that he knows what I am going thru and let him keep me in his heart forever. 

This song that I am playing while writing this is so adept - Secret Love Song by Little MIx. Its about 2 persons who are in love but cant be together for some reasons. I wished that one day, ZS and I will overcome this and be together again. 

I missed him, missed his hugs, missed his kisses and texts too. I missed his love and I missed Us. The love that we have is real and we both know. 

[dearieprincess]

I do, I still do

[motivational]

If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader. -John Quincy Adams

#quotes #sayings #proverbs #thoughtoftheday #quoteoftheday #motivational #inspirational #inspire #motivate

[dearieprincess]

I wanna be a leader and make a difference to ppls life

[dearieprincess]

04012016:: ZS made my day

The day started quite normal… until an anniversary reminder came. I thought I have deleted it all but unfortunately the calendar on iPhone wasn’t… I thought I won’t be affected but I was wrong. I texted Mr Bear Hug on this and his reply was ‘it’s natural. U r only human’ Went on to do the last note on the fact that I don’t need to remember it anymore and the date has no meaning for me now. Day went by OK. Until I get a call from a old friend who was at my work place. Had a short chat and she wanted to find out some closing hour so I tried calling for answers and inadvertently I tried to call ZS for help. He didn’t answer the call and so I left for my coffee with my friend. Had a good catch up and when I got back to my seat, I saw that ZS returned call. I called back and told him that all was sorted. I thought we would hang up but he insisted that I asked him the question.. so I did. I guess, at the back of my mind, I wanted to prolong the conversation too. I also told him that I called him last week to find out something else but didnt managed to and he said he tried to call me back too…. told him that I know he knew quite a fair bit of things as he is like some old furniture in the organisation. Somehow, our conversation continued cos he said he had the image of a wardrobe and I told him I had the image of table and chairs, chairs that are expensive. So it led to our conversation of a very expensive chair that I fell in love with years ago… I told him I nearly bought the chair We started to Google and was having a conversation on which one we like better.. he insisted that the chair looks like those ppl used at the mahjong table where I insisted that the chair is just so mesmerising… we just kept bantering why we should buy the chair. Full of nonsense cos I was telling him he should buy the chair and loan it to me. So unreasonable… for that 15 mins, we were back to Us. The Us that never parted. The Us that were so in love with each other. I went back in time to be his #your野蛮princess that I missed being for so long. I guess all things have to come to an end so we decided that we need to hang up. Cos he told me that he had to run. I am grateful that we spoke, it’s been a while since we last had such a conversation. I want this to be the restart of us. I want to have it for a long time to go. I want Us back but I am not sure if being back together is possible. I wish we can and could. I really miss him. I really miss Us.. I want Us back badly. I miss his hugs, his texts, his kisses… If I could choose again, I want ZS back as the guy who want give me hugs when I need it and always giving me that assuring kiss to let me know that everything is OK.

[dearieprincess]

31122015 0225hrs

This is probably the last update of my 2015. Although I gone through a lot in 2015, I must say that this is truly a great year for me.. cos I done things that took me years to execute. I lost love but yet I found lot more love that I never could imagine. I travelled to places that I have always wanted to go. I found friends whom I never thought I had. I found soul mates who gave me all I needed from them. I made many decisions that I would never have made in my life. I found myself and found the courage that I always had wanted and needed. I learned to love myself more than ever, I also learned that there more to life than just work. I have learned that my happiness is paramount, I meant a lot to my loved ones. I do matter to my family and all the friends around me. I am glad and feel really really blessed that all of you stood firmly and closely beside me when I was about to collapse, making sure that I didn't fall to the ground. You had your arms wide open when you know I needed a hug from you. Your time and presence is greatly appreciated. I thank God for all the favours He had given to me! His Grace that he showered on me. God had showed me what He has for me by showing me how strong I am. He took away things that I didn't need and showed me why they were there just so that I will understand and appreciate the good stuff that is coming my way. I can't tell you how grateful I am in this special year. In my 20s, God showed me how I got to learn to live without my Grandma. In the final year of my 30s, God taught me how to love myself and how to love those around me and those who stood by me and believed in me. For 2016 & beyond, my wish will be for everyone I love to have lots of Laughter & Love. Be in great Health and may Happiness always be showered on you. Signing off for 2015 cos more great things are coming along for you and me.... Till then, keep laughing. Keep smiling. Keep loving. Keep walking if you have to.. and never give up on anything cos Miracles does happen every day. Love ya, take care and good bye to 2015. Cheers xoxo Usnezprincess