This is for a possible fanfic, but I’d like to get it right. So, this couple is planning for their wedding. The (Indian-like culture) bride wants the kind of super elaborate gorgeous wedding she could only dream of having as a poor little girl, her (European-like culture) groom is fine with giving her the reigns completely. Only, they’re both kinda big names now and the authorities from both worlds see this as a Super Symbolic Union shortly after a formalized alliance, and are encouraging/helping her to make it even bigger (and magic exists in these worlds, so it can get pretty big), but now the groom is getting completely overwhelmed by just how big it’s getting. I was just wondering if there are any particular tropes/issues that might crop up with this scenario that you think I should watch out for.
South Asian Hindu Weddings, Indian Bride and European Groom
How deep of a basis does this have from India as it is? If it’s heavily based, which states/regions are you leaning towards for a more concrete cultural basis? Each of the mods comes from a different background, but we can’t speak for every individual tradition.
The Hindu wedding
I’m only qualified to speak on Hindu marriages, so if there’s another religious basis there, I won’t be much help, but here goes.
How big is big? A guide to Hindu Weddings from personal experience with Oriya, Bhagnari, and Sindhi tradition [aka my grandfather performing weddings, both family and non-family, my mother commentating them for the English-speaking guests, and myself attending them]
A modern Hindu wedding usually takes place over the course of 3-5 days, depending on the planned scale, the size of the families, how many friends they plan to invite, the venue, how many of the ceremonies they want to do in their entirety, and many more factors. These events can stretch out to over a month of festivities.
I’ve been to weddings with around 200 people. These were relatively small weddings, with everyone present for the wedding itself and the reception afterward. I have also been to weddings with around 500 people, which were longer and more elaborate. Keep in mind, these were in the US, and the brides & grooms were also raised here. According to some of my family members who have worked at weddings in India, guest lists can have upwards of 750 people, if not over 1000, with gatecrashers and community involvement not included. Everyone in a couple’s lives is invited to their wedding, and it’s seen as a slight to not be invited if you regularly are in their lives, as well as if you’re invited and don’t attend.
Planning in India usually starts 6+ months before the event, starting from the couple’s engagement to the actual wedding. In the US or other countries, planning can take more than a year, because organizing an event of this scale is a long and tedious process. The families are involved in a long process of negotiation with each other, with wedding vendors, with an enormous guest list, you name it, somebody in the family is involved.
The basic structure of the week of the wedding will include days for letting people travel to the venue and spend time with the family, on both sides, especially if the family is spread out. If everyone is close by, the early days are for final preparation and greeting the guests. On these days, the haldi ceremony and puja will usually occur. The next day is usually the mehndi party, where the bride, her female relatives and all her friends will gather as the bride receives her elaborate bridal mehndi. This is limited to just the ladies of the families, while the groom has his tilak ceremony with the men of the families and his close friends.
The sangeet, literally “music”, is a high energy event a few days or the day before the wedding (after the mehndi by at least 24 hours so that the bridal mehndi will set properly) which involves lots of dancing and performances from the families of the bride and groom. People will choreograph dances specifically for a family member’s sangeet, people will sing or play instruments, and wish the bride and groom well for their marriage. I’ve personally performed at every sangeet that I’ve ever been to except for the ones that I attended when I was a baby or a toddler.
Wedding Day (dun dun dun)
The day starts with fervor, as everyone gets dressed for the ceremony. Ladies will usually wear a saree, lehenga, or anarkali, appropriately fancy but never enough to upstage the bride. Menswear includes sherwanis (or a suit/tuxedo if you’re boring). Traditionally, the groom’s family will be staged some distance away from the wedding venue, while the bride’s family is placed near the entrance of the venue. Nowadays, the bride’s immediate family and close friends will be by the entrance while everyone else is further away.
The groom, typically wearing a sherwani and often a turban, will then be brought up on a horse, or another vehicle of choice. I have seen chariots, elephants, and Mustangs (the car) in place of the horse. The groom will then be escorted with music and lots of dancing to the entrance, in what’s known as the baraat. The tradition originated in North India, but has spread across the subcontinent. The guests will dance in front of the procession and bring the groom to the entrance where the bride’s mother will perform milni, place tilak on his forehead and do an aarti for both blessings and to ward off evil. The groom and his family will remove their shoes at the entrance and proceed to the mandap. There are a variety of regional and state traditions that happen during and after the baraat--in my family, the bride’s side of the family will attempt to steal the groom’s shoes and hold them ransom until the groom pays us to give them back. On the groom’s side, we hide the shoes and try to keep them from the bride’s side of the family.
After the groom has been brought to the mandap and the pundit has done Ganesh puja, the guests will come to the seating area in front of the mandap. Some weddings will distribute programs at this time. After the mandap is fully prepared, the bridal party, including the flower girl(s), the bridesmaids, and sometimes the ring bearers, will come to the mandap. Then, Kanya aagaman happens, and the bride will be escorted by her family and friends (usually maternal uncle and aunt) to the mandap, where the groom and both sets of parents are standing. Sometimes, the bride will be carried by her male relatives to the mandap.
After the bride arrives, the couple will be introduced to each other as aspects of Lakshmi and Vishnu. They will exchange garlands, or jaimala, and be brought into the mandap together. The bride and groom will come to their throne, while the parents on both sides are seated on opposite sides of the puja set up.
For Kanyadaan, the bride’s parents will present their daughter as a blessing to the groom’s family, whom they are generously giving away. After this, the Havan is set aflame as Agni is invoked and the couple makes offerings to Vishnu. Then, hastmelap will happen, as the bride places her right hand in the groom’s, and his dupatta and her saree are tied together, signifying their unity and their promises of respect, love, compassion, and sympathy. They will recite vows of all of these as they are tied together by the groom’s sister or mother. After hastmelap, the groom will present the bride with the mangalsutra made of black beads and gold, and apply sindoor to her forehead, while she puts chandan on his forehead.
A ring exchange will happen after this, where the couple will vow their unconditional support of one another. This was not traditionally a part of the Hindu wedding ceremony and was only introduced with Western ideas. More traditional exchanges include bangles and toe rings that the groom presents to the bride. After the wedding, most brides will wear their wedding and engagement rings, their mangalsutra, and sometimes the toe rings and bangles. This is dependent on tradition and location.
Before the Saptapadi, the bride’s brother will tie a white cloth to her saree and drape it over the groom's shoulder to signify unity between the families as well as within the couple’s relationship. Then, the couple will circumambulate the havan seven times, as the pundit recites mantras for the pheras and the family on the mandap throw akshata for the couple. The pheras include prayers for: a healthy and well-maintained household, mental and spiritual well-being, prosperity, marital harmony through mutual love and respect, strong and healthy children, longevity, and mutual fidelity. Who leads for each phera and how many the bride or groom does depends on state traditions; in my Oriya family, the groom leads three and the bride leads four. After, the bride moves from her seat on the groom’s right to his left. In some traditions, the couple will race back to their seats to signify which of them takes the lead in their marriage.
After the Saptapadi and Mangal Phera, the ceremony continues with a variety of regional additions. Usually this will include the breaking of the Kalasha, or coconut, Kansar Bhakshan, as the groom feeds the bride around her shoulder, the bride’s brother assisting her in pouring puffed rice into the havan (Anjali), as well as a variety of regional games. In Orissa, we play games with cowry shells.
The ceremony concludes with Aashirwad, as the guests shower the couple with rose petals and rice to signify their blessings for a long and healthy union. The couple will seek the specific blessings of their parents and grandparents, as well as other elder family members. In my family, we do a big group picture, and then group shots with different groups from the guests in order to catch the bride & groom in their wedding finery. Thus, the ceremony ends as the groom and bride leave the venue to prepare for the reception.
Reception & Send-off
There are usually a few hours between the ceremony and the reception for the couple and the bridal party to get pictures, time for the couple to change into elaborate reception outfits, and time for the venue to be prepared for the reception. During this time, guests will also go off to get changed for the reception (saree to lehenga) and come back to the venue to socialize, sometimes around a cocktail hour. The guests will be let inside of the reception hall to find seats and receive some of their party favors.
The reception itself starts with the entrances of the bridal party, the couple’s parents’ and siblings, and finally, the newlyweds. Sometimes these culminate in a performance from the bride, groom, and bridal party, as the couple’s first dance. Once the newlyweds have arrived, they will usually thank the guests and have some time for everyone to congratulate them & take pictures with them, sort of like a receiving line.
Then we come to the reason that everyone shows up to a wedding: the FOOD. I usually see an enormous buffet with tons of regional specialties. At this point, everyone is going to get in the buffet line to get the delicious free food. After most everyone has gone for seconds, there’s time for speeches from the bridal party, the couple’s immediate family and friends, and any additional performances that were not done at the sangeet.
The dance floor will then open up, and guests are free to enjoy themselves, or continue eating from the open buffet. The partying can continue until morning, depending on how long the venue is booked for and how many people leave after a few hours.
The day after, many people will be on their way home, so the couple spends time with the families as a whole, and sends the guests off with a variety of goodies and souvenirs from the wedding. Smaller family gatherings will also happen as the celebrations wind down, since a big family wedding usually means you see family that you haven’t seen in a long while.
Scale & Potential Tropes
How big are you thinking for this ceremony? In terms of publicity, were you thinking about something on the scale of Isha Ambani’s wedding? Indian weddings are notoriously elaborate, and a lot of the time, a celebration of the joining of the families as well as the union of the couple. Many times, they’re stereotyped as garish and loud, and unintelligible for Western audiences. Be careful to avoid describing it as super chaotic and crazy--while weddings can be spontaneous and may have occasional mishaps, most of the time they are as rigorously planned and carried out as Western weddings, if not more.
I don’t see this falling into arranged marriage tropes if the match came from love in the first place, but the fact that this is a formalized union of two worlds kind of gives off those vibes.
If he’s coming from a different faith, are they planning on a combined ceremony? I could see conflict coming from that if he feels like he can’t get married in the way he wants because he chose to bow to her wishes on the matter.
This feels like it might get into the exoticization of Indian traditions, especially if you aren’t sure of what state or region that you’re getting inspiration from. If the groom thinks it’s too much because it’s foreign to him, or because he thinks what she’s planning is crazy, you’re definitely getting into that territory, and I’d say to rewrite immediately. I’d make sure you make clear that his complaints aren’t about the wedding, but more the scale and perhaps the fact that it’s been at least partially taken out of the couple’s hands by their nations and celebrity status.
Another trope this could potentially hit is the overbearing family, but in this case it's also their nations. I would try to avoid this because it’s very common, but the scenario definitely feels like it tends toward heavy influence from others taking decisions out of the couple’s hands.
~Abhaya
Firstly, a gentle reminder that India consists of a conglomeration of several religions and ethnic groups, each of which have their own elaborate wedding customs. “India-like” culture is rather vague to work upon, unless we know if it’s specifically, say, a Kashmiri or a Bengali or a Tamil wedding, depending upon which culture and religion you draw more heavily from while portraying the bride’s character. Secondly it also depends upon the degree of inspiration, as Abhaya has stated. If the parallels between the fictional world and real-life cultures are very overt, you will have to venture forth accordingly with your research and portrayal. I can only offer my own views from my personal experiences attending wedding ceremonies in Bengal.
The Bengali Wedding
Bengali Hindu weddings in my experience can range from unostentatious court marriages to the more popular and prefered traditional, religious ceremonies celebrating a union. Depending upon your depiction of the bride’s faith and her family’s religious background, you can determine which method is more in-tune for your story, or you can opt to mix the simplicity of the former, with a few token traditions of the latter, as a sort of compromise between the two parties.
A typical Bengali Hindu religious wedding consists of these four parts:
1) Pre-wedding rites of passage
The pre-wedding rites of passage including Ashirbaad (the couple are blessed by their respective in-laws and handed gifts) and Ai Buro Bhaat (or the last ceremonial meal consumed by the couple at their respective relatives’ house). At the dawn of the wedding, Dodhi Mongol is conducted separately on the bride and the groom’s side of the family, where they are fed yogurt and rice by married Bengali women (the bride and groom abstain from all foods but sweets and water for the rest of the day). In the morning, the Gaye holud or Haldi ceremony takes place, also conducted separately for the bride and groom. Usually after this, the bride takes a bath and she is taken to a mandir, where she is given her ceremonial bracelets Shakha and Pola. Note that in its traditional form, Bengali Hindu weddings do not have a sangeet or mehendi ceremony- I have personally never seen either in a Bengali wedding, at least in the grand scale they are observed in other Hindu weddings - however, there is no rigorous restriction against these and you’re free to incorporate them.
2) The wedding rituals
These are very elaborate, taking place in the evening (evening is considered auspicious for Bengali weddings) and once again differ significantly from many other Hindu weddings. We do not have the bridegroom arrive on a horse for Bor Jatri (arrival of groom); he usually arrives in a decorated car, and the bride’s mother welcomes him by performing the bor baran arti and blessing him. He is then seated in the mandap and the bride’s father or senior male relative offers him the Potto Bostro (new clothes, to be worn during the ceremony).
Unlike the traditional saat phera of Hindu weddings, in Bengali weddings the bride is seated on a piri or low stool and her brothers or male cousins/friends lift the piri and carry it around the husband seven times. All the while the Bride has her eyes covered with a pair of betel leaves, which she removes for the Shubho Drishti or first viewing.
The Mala Bodol (exchange of garlands) is conducted after all this, and often the bride’s brothers jokingly try to hoist the bridal piri really high so that the groom cannot reach her; it’s an endearing Bengali wedding tradition. After this, the bride is given away (Kanya Sampradan) by an older relative, usually her father, and the couple’s hands are bound together by sacred thread. The couple take seven steps called Saptapadi, on carefully arranged betel leaves, followed by offering puffed rice to the sacred fire (Anjali) and the groom placing the vermillion Sindoor mark on the bride’s forehead.
3) Interim ceremonies
Interim ceremonies including Bashar Ghar (it’s just relatives from both parties hanging out and relaxing with the couple on the night of the wedding), Baashi Biye (conducted on the morning after the wedding night, separately for each bride and groom), Biday (bride leaving her parents’ home and and Kaalratri (first night spent by the bride at her in-laws place, in a separate room from the groom).
4) Post-wedding reception
The post-wedding reception or Bou Bhaat which is the feast organized by the groom’s side of the family, usually during the evening. Traditionally, the Tattah or wedding gifts are also brought by the bridal party to the groom’s house on the morning of the reception (the groom’s Tattah are sent to the bride’s house on the day of the Gaye Holud itself). Bou Bhaat is an elaborate ceremony and it culminates in the Phool Sajya or the wedding night As you can see, in its very traditional form, Bengali weddings aren’t overwhelming in the narrow sense of the word (even the more affluent weddings I’ve attended had separate rooms for resting and for those who didn’t want to participate in the song and dance). However, that doesn’t mean that they are dull, and that they can never have that sort of gorgeous, fairytale-esque, old world charm that your heroine craves. Which brings us to the next issue:
Narrative Points to consider:
Is this a union based on love? It doesn’t sound like it is, but regardless, why don’t the characters talk to each other to discuss their feelings (Communication is very underrated in fanfic)? An intercultural marriage is bound to have some problems regarding balanced representation of both parties. Not only is communication key to prevent hard feelings, it would also be a good formative point for mutual respect and companionship if they cooperate with each other and express their respective desires, thus working out a compromise (maybe cutting down a few ceremonies and tactfully reducing a few guest invites). Communication is also pretty much the best way you can make your groom not sound like a Boorish European Man who thinks Indian religious customs are frivolous and excessive. A wedding is a pretty big deal for an Indian and it would come across better if he made it clear that his problem is with the mere scale of it and not necessarily the nature of it, especially since Indian weddings are viewed in the West as raucous, garish and loud.
-Mod Mimi
Ask published Nov 2021
To our Desi followers, you’re welcome to contribute with your regional experiences and traditions, as well as how you’ve seen them adapted.
