Prelude about a boy named Izana
Izana’s not a perfect boyfriend. At least not in a way most people would expect a boy to be perfect for his significant other. His actions are often, as if not most of the time, driven by most of the primal of emotions; he’s thinking with desire, acting with fear, talking with anger, sleeping with shame, and living with the constant feeling of jealousy. He has lost the habit of taking care of others, loving his closest ones within the deepest parts of his heart, and giving more than taking. He’s a greedy man. One of these who make others suffer for pleasure, take everything from them to equate them to their own level, and then degrade them even lower. And he has no wish to change his behavior.
Izana, considered by the norms set by society, isn’t even a good human, so how could he possibly be a good partner? Proven by all of the words before, he could be called a monster, a selfish beast, who’s all thoughts are me-centered. He keeps people around himself as long as they’re useful, then he takes everything from them, and the circle loops again. So how could he love someone? How could anyone love him?
Izana doesn’t let himself show his weaknesses. He doesn’t allow to destroy this strong and self-sufficient picture he has painted by his sore and bleeding hand. It can’t all be destroyed, burned by his stupid mistake, a simple whim. So why does it feel so good to cry on your shoulder? Hands clenching into shaking fists on your soaked by his tears shirt, throat aching from loud sobs and screams, eyes painfully red, lungs begging for more air. Yet, it’s addicting. Your warm body pressing his cold one closer and tighter, soft palm caressing his back, fingers lost in his light locks, moving slowly between the tangled strands.
Izana loves and hates spending time with you. You are different from the others, you seem to be there for him without understanding him, and it feels just right. But what seems to be wrong on the other hand are his reactions to it; his legs shouldn’t be shaking when you’re around, corners of his mouth rising, muscles tensing, lump in the throat interfering with speech, heart pounding like crazy. And this whole sense of vulnerability every time you two are alone, when the tears can’t stop coming, even though he begs himself to stop. It’s awful. Pathetic of him. But your arms are always spread for him to hug him tight, you’re always there to listen even if the only sounds you get are his loud cries. So he decides to stay.
Izana’s actions don’t make any sense. They are still driven by the same emotions, yet they feel totally different. All of his desires contains you in them, his biggest fear is so as not to lose you, the angry words leave his mouth, however your sweet ones seem to negate them and make them vanish, he still feels shame towards himself and his actions when he sleeps, but your arms wrapped around his body, your chest pressed tightly against his back, hot breath on his nape make it somehow better. The jealousy has never disappeared. It’s meant to always stay in every cell of his body, every organ, his mind, heart and thoughts.
Izana makes it all about himself, that’s true, an irrefutable fact. First he thinks about himself, only second about you. On most days it’s not a problem, not even noticeable. However, on what he calls especially bad days it changes the flow of your own day, disrupting the peace and the harmony. He tends to yell, not at you but at the world, he tends to curse, but not one of the venomous words are thrown at your direction, only at his past, he tends to destroy things, not even one of them is yours but it still feels as if the cuts on his palms caused by sharp edges of broken objects are your responsibility. Tons of sleepless nights, either because he couldn’t stop damaging your shared apartment, or he’s been waking up screaming and crying due to the nightmares he’s had. He knows he’s tiring, and sometimes, when he looks at your happy face when you cup his cheeks firmly and pepper him with tiny kisses, he wonders how it is that you are with him.
Izana feels happiness. Even if he’s not an ideal partner, nor a good human. He feels happiness when he’s next to you, your thumb always doing small circles on his hand, or your lips smooching his rough cheek when he’s forgotten about shaving himself for a few days in a row, or, his personal favorite, your soothing voice whispering him all kinds of promises into his ear. Even if he doesn’t believe in any of them, it’s still nice to be by your side. That’s why a very sorrowful feeling engulfs his body when he decides to leave you.
Izana wasn't created to be a perfect boyfriend. He knows guys like him or self-proclaimed friends of his better than anyone else. The fact that he wants to keep you safe without your approval is one of the most selfish things he’s ever done. However, a boy with a gray soul shattered into millions of pieces, fragile as a broken dragonfly’s wings, cannot find happiness in a colorful mosaic, a breathtaking picture like you. Your good heart has started to change him unwittingly, and it’s not what he’s wishing for. He’s promised to himself that he’s gonna be a bad guy till the end.
