#jadenray64

[spectralarchers]

I started sewing by asking my mother to show me the basics. It was something as simple as making bed sheets (two big rectangles of fabric, can't really go wrong with that).

I moved out a couple of weeks after touching a sewing machine for the very first time, but got one of my own because I wanted to learn and get better at it, so I began watching YouTube tutorials and trying things out on scraps of fabric if I had some lying around. I learned that a regular sewing machine does not like furry things (faux fur or real fur, doesn't matter) and that if you're doing leather or other non woven materials, be sure about the first time you sow because you can't even out the holes again once they're punched.

It's honestly been a lot of googling, trying and going.

Whenever I start a new project, I take some of my intended fabric and I cut a square (about 10 x 10 cms) and I try out ALL the stitches on my sewing machine to see how the fabric reacts to it (and how the machine reacts to it, honestly, sometimes it's like a greedy child).

There's been lots of going to the fabric store and talking to the employees there about fabric choices (lycra is the bane of my existence) and dyeing (also the bane of my existence).

I'm also in Kamui's Cosplay Group on Facebook (Kamui Cosplay is a professional cosplayer) which has at least 9000+ members, which helps when you take a picture of the weird thing your machine is doing, post it there and go 'what's wrong' because more experienced people will help you figure out if it's the stitch length, the thread tension or something else that's funky.

I made a lined coat as a side project to get to learn how to use patterns, and then I went ahead with my Ronin costume, which, the first time around, not so great, too much Worbla for the armored parts, but second time around I made everything out of fabric, and by the time I'd done shoulder pads, piping and faux leather for a while, I was like 'I'm gonna do Captain Marvel!' and sort of just sat down and started at one end until I was done with it. It took me two months, but at the end, I'm very proud of it, lol.

So, just, I sat down in front of a machine and tried to get to know it, lol.

One never gets over the fear or getting the needle through your finger, but the thing I'm more afraid of is when I'm pinning and I have to keep the little plastic balls of the pins between my lips if I'm too lazy to use my pin pillow and I realize I'm afraid I'll accidentally swallow a pin (it won't happen, but you know... It may...)

[barb-aricyawp]

Can i get bucky/ws with sleep deprivation + electrocution? I think it would be great as a way to torture/condition bucky into WS or a super, very "scientific" expirement to test WS's limits for example.

Great idea, babe! (for torture tuesday) 

At first, Bucky Barnes welcomes the chair. He’s been kept in a vertical cage for days now, unable to fully stand or recline. Unable to sleep. 

When they strap him to the chair, it’s a relief. The chance to sit. The chance to give his quivering muscles a break. Even when metal brackets encircle his head, and some mechanism inside them crackles. It’s not pain yet. And Bucky lets himself sag into the chair.

“The orders are simple,” a Soviet says, circumambulating Bucky and the humming machine. “Don’t sleep.”

“Yeah,” Bucky grumbles. His eyelids slide closed. “No promises there.”

His breathing slows, overexerted muscles unclenching. For a moment, he drifts in the comfortable numb of semi-consciousness.

Then, lightning.

Bucky doesn’t scream. He isn’t a screamer or a shrieker or a pleader. But the electricity hijacks his muscles, wrestling them out of his control. Each limb jumps and convulses against the straps. Even his throat is wrenched from him. A howl pours from his throat, so loud he can barely hear what the Soviets are saying.

“Желание,” the Soviet says. “Longing. Repeat it, and we turn it off.”

It’s the first time Bucky has snapped to immediate compliance. He stumbles through the Russian, lisping and straining to get it out. “Longing,” he says in English. “Longing, longing - Jesus Christ, turn it off! - Longing!”

The electricity shuts off. Bucky’s head still rings with the currents that flowed over his synapses. He’s having trouble concentrating. Metal fills his sinuses, his mouth. There’s a coppery taste that must be blood; he bit open his tongue. 

The room is quiet. They wait for him to fall back asleep. And when he inevitably succumbs, the lightning is there waiting for him.

 He springs back to consciousness screaming, “Желание! Longing!”

[barb-aricyawp]

My favorite day AND my birthday :D can i see bucky with fire and bath? I like the fire/water concept and im excited to see what you do with it!

Happy birthday, honey! I’m running out of time, but I wanted to be sure to get something for you for your birthday. (for torture tuesday) 

Bucky has been granted a rare gift from the Soviets: a bath. He scrubs his hair clean with a bar of soap, and floats in the murky water. Alone in the bath, he is granted a moment of stillness. It’s heaven.

Then, two Soviets file in. 

Bucky doesn’t bother to cover his nakedness. He frowns up at the Soviets. One of them reaches into his pocket and pulls out a book of matches. The other has a candlestick that seems pilfered from a dining table.

They lock the door behind them. This hasn’t been authorized by the higher-ups.

Bucky arches a brow. “A candle lit bath? You shouldn’t have.”

The men confer in Russian, one lighting the candle while another lifts Bucky’s hand out of the bath. 

They hold flame under his palm. The heat blooms, then scorches. Bucky grits his teeth. If he calls for help, his bath will be cut short. So, he toughs it out.

The thick skin of his palm bubbles, blistering from the heat. When Bucky whimpers, the Soviet releases him and he submerges the burned palm into the lukewarm water.

They rove the candle flame over his shoulders next, letting the flame lick over his skin from right to left, then holding the heat against his metal shoulder until it burns. Bucky jerks under the water to soothe the burn. 

The Soviets don’t like that. They grab Bucky by the hair and hold the flame to his temple until the fine, damp hair catches fire. They hold him there until his hair singes off, then they dunk him underwater again. Hold him under by the scalp.

Bucky stays under even after they release him. When he emerges, they’re gone. Like he made the whole thing up.

[barb-aricyawp]

My favorite day! 13 with 5 and Steve? Thank you 😊

Hot oil and mundane whump for Steve is a great idea!

Steve cooks mashed potato latkes on the stovetop, just as his mother taught him. He hums as he cooks, though he doesn’t hear himself over the crackle and splatter of oil in the pan.

Steve’s mother was the kind of woman who couldn’t waste even a scrap of food. She would boil potatoes, then turn the leftovers into mashed potatoes, then turn those leftovers into latkes.

Steve loves latkes. And so does Bucky. Anything greasy, Steve’s mother used to say, And the boys will devour it before you’re through making it.

Now, Bucky watches with concern while Steve scoops the flat pancake from the pan onto a plate. When Steve serves him his latkes, Bucky catches his wrist.

“You don’t feel it, do you?”

Steve raises a brow. “I can feel you holding my wrist. You don’t have an exactly gentle grip, Buck.”

Bucky snorts. Carefully, he turns Steve’s arm over to show him his forearm. Steve blinks in surprise when he sees his skin splotched angry red. Pinpricks of pink surround each dark mark.

And, near his elbow, a bubbling blister. Light pink, but darkening towards the center. 

Still gripping him by the arm, Bucky hauls Steve to the sink and runs the lesser burns under cold water. 

“The oil splattered,” Bucky says, almost accusatory if it weren’t for his begrudging grin. “You should wear long sleeves next time.”

[dsudis]

jadenray64 replied to your post “Wisconsin can pry lake Michigan and the UP from my cold dead hands”

I had no idea there was such great lake snobbery. Is a state better because it touches more lakes or because it has more coastline on the lakes.

I’m going to go with “both” because Michigan touches four lakes AND has 3,000+ miles of Great Lakes coastline, which is about 2,000 miles more than any other state.

(Ontario’s cool. We respect Ontario. They also touch four lakes. Plus the drinking age is 19 so it’s where many reasonably-bridge-adjacent Michigander 19 & 20 year olds go to make questionable decisions.)

[barb-aricyawp]

Worst injuries that come to mind: i got a paper cut on my eyeball. It STUNG but ice helped. I got nail polish remover on my eye causing my contact to melt. I had to pry my eye open and dig around for the pieces before flushing it. I got a sizable splinter up my nail. They wouldnt give me pain killers so i spent the next 3 hours in pain as they slowly cut the nail off. I stubbed my toe on a knife blade and lost a good chunk. I watched my elbow bend 35 degrees the wrong way during a backflip.

Melting contact stories are the exact reason I don’t wear contacts anymore (that and the time I got liquid eyeliner caught under the contact and my whole eye went possession black while my roommates looked on in horror). 

Anything under the nail is agony. Toes also have way more nerves than they have any right to. And oh my god, breaking an elbow must be its own hell.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FOR GOD’S SAKE.

[barb-aricyawp]

jadenray64 replied to your post “Dearest Barb, how do you keep up with all these requests?? I'm so...”

How do you stop trying to write something perfect? I feel paralyzed with the impossibility of it.

Good question! I think writing for a fandom helps. No one wants Ulysses when they read fanfiction. They just want to be with their favorite characters again.

My advice for getting over badness in general is to purposefully write bad. Use all the adverbs you want, let your characters scream and cry, tell instead of show. Break all the rules.

(I think you’ll be surprised by how often “bad writing” turns out to be really effective. Perfection comes accidentally.)

Then, when you’re editing, just replace the parts that aren’t working. Take out the adverbs you don’t need, figure out if there’s a more subtle way of showing the audience what’s happening, etc. Learn to love editing because it’s a chance to admire yourself.

Don’t be afraid of badness. Badness is fun. It’s messy and big and very, very human. That’s all we’re trying to get at anyway: what’s human.

[maemaybe]

I love your page. You are extremely informative and I particularly enjoy rooting for you as you heal. I relate to the non-linear struggle.

If you would like to answer, I have a question about loneliness. Now that you are aware of an familiar with your alters, do you feel like you have support/family/less lonely? I have a fictional world full of friends and beauty that helps me and I've learned to truly be my best company.

Have a nice weekend :)

Thank you. 

So looking back, I realize that I probably had some awareness of my parts from a fairly young age even though I didn’t have any understanding of what they were or what I was experiencing. 

I had a very isolated childhood and adolescence. I spent the majority of my time alone, but I was always very preoccupied with my internal world. Most of my “play” as a child was just sitting silently, imagining elaborate stories that I refused to share with anyone. I think I spent a lot of my childhood and teen years daydreaming and relying on my parts to escape the emotional loneliness that I would have faced otherwise. 

I still have a rich inner world that is temptingly satisfying, but I’ve spent the last ten years building an external life that isn’t the kind I have to escape from. What I mean is, I used to choose my inner world because my external world was terrifying, painful, and emotionally lonely. Now my external world (at least the parts of it I have control over) is pretty good. When I feel lonely, I can connect with people in my external world like my partner and my friends, or I can even reach out for some socialization here. My online friends are part of my external world too.  

I have spent the last couple of years in therapy getting to know all my parts, but the purpose of that has been to bring all of them forward into the present and connect them with the external world so they can enjoy it too. So all of us are spending less and less time in that internal world. We’re relying on each other to ease that loneliness less and less. 

I do think there’s a lot of value in having a safe and beautiful internal world that you can find beauty and comfort in, and it’s wonderful to be your own best company, but I’m personally finding a lot of my own healing is coming from the work I’m doing to reconnect with the world. I spent so much of my life inside my own head.