DID, CPTSD & Trauma Recovery

Mae | She/They | DID & CPTSD Chronically online since LiveJournal | Askbox is open. Say hi!

[maemaybe]

About Me

Depending on how old you are, I may be old enough to be your mother. I started high school in the 1900s and graduated before MySpace was launched, so take that into consideration.

I'm a queer ace lesbian happily partnered with another queer ace lesbian. We've been together for about 15 years as of the writing of this post.

When I started this blog in 2018, it was primarily a space to talk about my experiences with trauma recovery, DID and CPTSD. Those issues are still a big part of my life, but after more than a decade in therapy they don't occupy as much of my mental space as they used to.

I have an autoimmune disease and other health issues that currently occupy a lot of my physical and mental energy. Being disabled is a full time job, but I still have to work so I'm basically working two jobs.

My brain works differently than most people's. My therapist says that because my trauma started so early in life, it's really hard to know for sure if what I experience is autism and/or ADHD or trauma. I relate very strongly to the AuDHD experience, but it's possible that my experiences come from trauma rather than something I was born with. I waffle back and forth on whether or not it feels right to claim those identities. Truthfully, different parts of me feel different kinds of ways about it.

One of the things I'm currently blogging about a lot is my involvement with my church. I try to tag these posts with trigger warnings for folks who have religious trauma or just don't care to read about anything related to religion. I'm not here to proselytize. I joined progressive church because, in my community, they were the people actually practicing the kind of social justice that we've been talking about here on tumblr for years. I'm not at this church for a "special relationship with Jesus" or anything like that. I'm at this church because this place is a boots on the ground social justice organization and nobody gets shit done like church ladies. I aspire to be as dedicated and resilient as they are.

I try hard to be a kind and patient person. I have zero patience for people who are deliberately cruel or hateful. I don't tolerate terfs or bigots in my presence.

I love when people send me asks. I love to yap.

[maemaybe]

I'm still loving my experience here, but I'm gaining a lot of perspective on maturity and emotional development after sharing living space and working with counselors in their early 20s. I see now why they tried to pair one "mature" counselor with one younger counselor for each cabin.

At least 3 times a day I ask myself, "was I like this?"

The kids are great though. They are exactly as I expected.

[maemaybe]

I know that it's still very early in this experience, but I am so happy here.

If I never had to worry about money or health insurance or any of that, I could spend my life doing this, even if it is exhausting.

I belong in the woods. I belong with people who genuinely care about one another.

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

Give me less "being kind requires zero effort" and more "being kind is worth the effort it takes."

[fuckyeahanarchistposters]

#AbolishICE poster design by Phoebe Wahl

[maemaybe]

I just found out that all my meds have to be in their original bottles instead of the slim weekly sorter I typically use to manage and transport them. So this is what has to come with me to camp.

I understand the safety reasons but this is going to make it so much harder manage my medication in an already stressful situation.

I'm just glad it all fit. The giant bottle of magnesium at the bottom is the real killer.

[maemaybe]

I woke up feeling hopeless and empty.

The contrast between how awful I feel now and how excited I felt just a few days ago is like night and day. When I reflect back on that excitement, I actually feel contempt for that version of myself - "Ugh. Naive, foolish, head in the clouds. How can you be so happy about everything when you know it's all falling apart under the surface?"

My body feels as bad as my brain. The pain starts at the base of my neck like a heavy tension, but it runs all the way down my arms to a red hot pain in the joints of my fingers. It feels like my fists have been clenched tight for days. (They haven't - this is just the autoimmune disease.)

I've been awake less than an hour and all I want to do is go back to bed. Everything feels pointless.

I don't feel like myself, but I don't know which "part" I am speaking from. I am just hopeless, empty and bitter.

[aropride]

u used to be able to put a dvd in your computer. and then u could watch it

[sensitivesiren]

[maemaybe]

I was venting to a friend about therapy today and by the time I got to the end of it, I'd worked myself up to feeling (again) like maybe it is time to find a new therapist. I just can't help but feel like leaving now would be like throwing away ten years of work, even though I know that isn't true.

I'm just don't think there's any getting past how heterocentric my therapist is. It should not be my job to educate her and I don't think I have the capacity anyway.

We were talking about all the challenges that would come with me and my partner spending any time in Idaho and there are so many layers to it, but I told her that the political climate and our experiences of bigotry were a big factor. My partner and I lived on the border of Idaho and Washington for the first two years of our relationship and that alone was really hard. My partner doesn't ever want to go back, especially since things have gotten so much worse.

But my therapist has responded to my very real concerns with things like

Well it's not like there are roving bands of people hunting down LGBT people

You don't look gay anyway. I wouldn't have guessed if you didn't tell me.

You and your partner aren't conducting yourself in a way that would attract the attention of those people anyway, are you?

These comments happened across different sessions, at different times, but when I lay them all out like this and think about them it is just so, so unacceptable.

She's a trauma therapist, and somehow she doesn't grasp the trauma of being emotionally unsafe because of who you are? The trauma of just being unwelcome in society?

It's unacceptable that she doesn't understand this. It's 2026.

[maemaybe]

I'm ignoring the argument that's happening in the notes of one of my posts because I'm just too overwhelmed with things that are way more important.

Therapy left me feeling worse. I am overwhelmed. I'm struggling.

[maemaybe]

I don't know if this is trauma or just my flair for the dramatic, but some part of me always experiences preparing for travel as preparing for the possibility of death.

As I get ready for my trip, some small part of me in the back of my mind is reminding me that there is the possibility that I might not come home. This part reminds me to wipe down the bathroom counter after I pack away my toiletries and to organize my dresser drawer when I'm done picking out my clothes. I don't want to leave a mess for other people, obviously. The shape of these thoughts isn't really fear or anxiety. I don't know how to define it.

The most obvious explanation is that my first real experience with death was the death of a friend when I was in high school. He left for a weekend trip and he didn't come home. Before he left, he wrote "I'm going on an adventure!" on his LiveJournal, and for years we used that post as a digital memorial.

A year later, another friend went on a weekend trip and didn't come home.

Both their deaths were accidents. Not the kind where they were doing something perfectly safe and something went wrong. They were doing risky things and something predictably bad happened, but it was still incredibly tragic both times. They were so young and not old enough to understand the risks they were taking.

I guess it makes sense that I'm thinking about them both as I get ready to go on an adventure and do risky things.

[bonfires-n-hares]

source

[kosmogrl]

hey does anyone know how much longer we have to endure?

[maemaybe]

Camp is in less than a week, but because everything is so busy we are just now organizing carpooling for everyone to get there. It's been a thing I've been worrying about since I said yes to volunteering, because I don't drive due to my disabilities. That's something I still struggle not to feel ashamed about, so I felt a lot of vulnerability sharing that this was something I wanted to do, but I'd need help to be able to do it.

Now that we are actually arranging carpooling, it turns out that a lot of the other volunteers also need rides for various other reasons. Some of us (myself included) are traveling 6+ hours to the location, so I guess it's just practical. But now I'm feeling anxious for a whole new reason! I think there are way more people needing rides than there are drivers!

I am trying not to let my anxiety about this spiral.

This is good practice for sitting with uncertainty.

Not everything needs to be known.

I know I feel safer when plans are all settled, but I'm not literally in danger. It just feels destabilizing. I'll be okay.

[maemaybe]

I'm awake too early because prednisone ruins my sleep.

I'm on prednisone because my immune system is trying to kill me.

My immune system is trying to kill me because I'm under too much stress and I don't manage it well.

Not getting enough sleep is part of not managing my stress well.

[kingcatnine]

reminding everyone to wear sunscreen because the sun is a deadly laser: 😁😊

having to spend 10 minutes slathering yourself in grease just to safely be outside in the sun for 20 minutes. because the sun is a deadly laser: 😐👎

[akindplace]

the level of coziness i’m desiring can only be described by that community episode where troy and abed make that giant pillow fort that occupies multiple rooms and corridors of the college

[akindplace]

you’re all invited to join, btw, just like in the episode where it truly becomes a huge fortress inhabited by several people