This is something I sent to a really amazing friend last week and I’m just posting it to remind myself that even when things get bad, I can make it through.
"So I’ve been like hella struggling all week with a shitty shitty wave of depression. It’s rough cause it’s the first really bad one I’ve had since I started on these meds my doctor gave me. And it’s been going on for so many days. Idk why but it’s been so bad for the past week but I mentioned it to my mum on Monday and felt like she actually listened. It’s hard to admit something’s wrong or that you feel really bad when there’s nothing wrong in your life and everything is good so I was proud of myself for telling my family and trying to talk to people about it. But I just got off the phone with my mum and she was talking about how she doesn’t think I really have depression. That since I’m on meds and I’m still feeling down that they aren’t working because I’m not really depressed. That everyone had to just force themselves to do things they don’t want to do. It’s so frustrating and even more depressing and I just get this whole onset of sadness and hopelessness from our conversation. There are so few people to talk to who understand and don’t just brush it off as nothing. I’m struggling so much all the time and while the meds are definitely helping they can’t just magically fix me. I just have all this emotion building up right now and no outlet for it. I tried to cry so bad but I tried and it just won’t work and I want to cut but I know I shouldn’t. All this stuff is building in my chest and it hurts to breathe. I’m on the verge of a really bad panic attack I think and I didn’t know who to talk to. Typing this out to you is easier than saying anything out loud so that’s good. I hate that my mum is still such a big trigger for me."