Following the news of the Kerberos Mission failure:
Keith is an emotional wreck, trying to push down the immense grief of losing the only person who cared about him, yet again. Not to mention he's wrestling with the thought of letting Shiro down by leaving the Garrison vs. staying loyal to an institution that wasn't so loyal to Shiro. Either way, it feels like he's doing Shiro an injustice. And if he does choose to honor Shiro's efforts (after all, Shiro was loyal to the Garrison, maybe Keith should do the same), can he even manage to graduate without Shiro?
James is also struggling emotionally b/c he’s suddenly doubting his entire life plan, the thing that makes him unique and different and worth something to his parents (if the best pilot at the Garrison died on a mission, who was he to think he wouldn't do the same?).
Keith and James run into each other one night and basically take their emotions out on one another. James tries to remain composed, giving Keith his condolences in what he thinks is an appropriate gesture. But it triggers Keith, again reminding him of his father's death; Keith insists Shiro isn’t dead b/c he refuses to believe Shiro made a pilot error (although a part of him feels it must be true, he’d never admit it to himself), and it makes James feel even more inadequate (even dead, Shiro is always Keith's first choice; James isn’t enough); James lashes out, saying the mission ultimately failed one way or another. He tells Keith that for Keith’s own benefit, he must accept that truth.
Keith, hurt (scared that James is right) and confused (he doesn't understand why James is suddenly in his business), accuses James of benefiting from his suffering (since without Keith, James would be the best pilot of the cadets), to which James is hurt by (he thinks Keith sees him as a bad person, even though James been trying to help; how could Keith think that?), and insists otherwise. Keith yells to prove it, without really thinking; he's tired of what he perceives as lies (he feels that somehow Shiro’s death [and his father's death/Krolia's absence] was a rejection of himself; he wasn’t good enough to make Shiro stay; Shiro didn’t actually care about him, only said that he did), and wants to hear James just say that he hates Keith to make it plain and simple to leave and hate James back.
Atp James doesn’t know what to do other than kiss Keith in order to prove he does cares about Keith. It was a spur of the moment decision, but James is desperate at this point. He feels like his future is falling apart and he’s feeling reckless. He wants a win, he wants to do something that makes him feel good. His discipline and self-restraint aren’t paying off like he's been taught his entire life. This is his act of rebellion, his “fck it all”, him doing something he’s wanted to do for a long time. He wants to save Keith, be the one to make him happy. He wants to be first place to Keith. He can’t put his feelings into words, so he just acts. (I don't want to encourage this, please do ask first before kissing someone lol)
Keith is shocked, having thought that James hated him. But James’ gentle touch makes him doubt. Being touch-starved and lonely, Keith feels suddenly like maybe James could actually care about him. Keith kisses him back, emotional with the thought that someone loves him (he knows it’s probably not love-love, but it feels real in the moment; he suddenly feels whole). They spend some time like that before Keith realizes he’s scared that James might leave him, too. Getting attached to another person so quickly, it scares him. He blames the grief, and anticipates being abandoned again, so he pulls back and runs away in a panic
James is hurt, rejected and confused. Keith seemed to like the kiss, but then, he seemed to hate it. He questions himself, too, b/c he doesn’t want to like guys. His parents would be disappointed in him for so many different reasons. He questions what he's doing with his life.
Keith, on the other hand, is scared of what his loneliness is making him feel/do. He hadn’t ever considered James as a potential romantic partner before, but it suddenly clicks that what they did wasn’t unpleasant. The intimacy and desire for intimacy he feels scares him.
Part 5 will feature the aftermath and more complicated emotions >:3
And as always, lmk ur thoughts and hcs!! I love to read them :D
Keith didn’t want Shiro to go. He was worried about Shiro’s health, but mainly and selfishly didn’t want to be left alone at the garrison for a year or so without any support. Shiro was his one and only friend/person he could trust to have his best interest in mind. But Keith knows this is selfish, so he tries to hide it and be happy for Shiro (although he did express his preference that Shiro stay once to which Shiro took personally bc of his own issues. Out of fear of rejection, Keith changed his attitude). He quietly hates himself for not being more supportive of Shiro’s dream
Atp James saw Keith as harsh, untouchable, distant, and not really human in a way (he didn’t recognize Keith as someone with intimate, deep feelings; it’s sort of a subconscious thing where he thought Keith wasn’t capable of more tender emotions like sadness, for example)
Cut to the launch:
Keith had an emotional breakdown at the launch bc he felt he was being abandoned all over again (first his mom, then dad, now Shiro). He felt no one cared about him, and no matter what, he’d never be enough to be another’s first priority (ironically similar to James’ second place complex)
James saw Keith’s emotional breakdown and realized that Keith was indeed more human and vulnerable than James realized. In all their years of knowing each other, James had never seen Keith cry. It made him wonder what made Keith cry. He felt curious—Keith was always someone he couldn’t understand. He wants to be the one to “solve the mystery”
A rumor goes around that Keith had a breakdown bc Shiro broke up with him. James doesn’t want this to be true, so confronts Keith to ask what happened, but Keith gets defensive and doesn’t tell him anything.
Keith is questioning why James even cares so much (he first assumed James had an ulterior motive, but he did seem genuine in a way Keith hadn’t seen before)
Keith eventually hears about the rumors and punches a guy for calling Shiro a slur and a creep. He gets suspended, and wonders if James started the rumors, but notices James has been sorta watching him in a different way than usual. James seems more curious, less judgmental, less guarded and defensive. Keith doesn’t know how to feel about it.
James is concerned for Keith (he looks rougher than usual after Shiro left), but Keith is too prickly to allow James to get any closer. James stays back and just observes as Keith slowly seems to improve. They still have their rivalry, but in some ways, it feels less personal and heated
Cut to the night the Kerberos Mission Failure was announced on the news:
James hadn’t heard the news, but Keith did. He has a slight breakdown and vomits in the bathroom of his dorm. James catches him there, and leaves to fetch him a bottle of water, but Keith is gone by the time he comes back. James wonders what’s wrong, and Keith’s walls are back up full force
When the official Kerberos Mission failure is announced, the garrison has an assembly. Keith is waiting for more information to be given, but when nothing substantial is said other than "pilot error," he has an outburst. He's angry that they claimed it was pilot error in the first place (he refused to believe Shiro messed up; he didn't want to believe it, although a part of him was scared it was true), angry that no one is being sent to rescue them, angry that they're already talking about the crew in the past tense, like they are distant heroes, not human beings who may have just died. He is triggered, reminded of the way people talked about his father when he died. They'd mourn for a short period before forgetting about them completely and the very real consequences of losing someone. Iverson stops his outburst, pulling him aside before other officers can take him away, giving Keith one last warning out of respect for Shiro b/c the two of them were close. Iverson convinces Keith to suck it up and not to throw away everything that Shiro did for him. Keith eventually agrees, even more aware that Shiro was the only thing standing between him and expulsion.
James isn't surprised about Keith's outburst. A small part of him agrees with what Keith said (this has to be false, tell us what happened), but the larger part of him tells him to be disciplined, restrained, and have faith in his institution. He criticizes Keith in his head, wondering why Keith always self-sabotages himself, why he can't show restraint (he's reminded that the only person Keith seems to care about is Shiro; Shiro seemed to be more important than everything to Keith in James' mind, and it makes him irrationally angry). He also realizes why Keith was vomiting in the bathroom.
Just as Keith feared, James sort of thinks of Shiro more as a symbol, a hero, rather than a person, so he doesn't quite understand the loss Keith is experiencing. James has never lost anyone very close to him (maybe only his grandpa, who he was never really close to, but he sort of equates Keith's loss to that, so doesn't really understand Keith's pain)
The entire Garrison is feeling the loss, too, and many of James’ friends are quitting the fighter pilot program, deciding it’s safer to stay out of space. James is upset; it feels like a personal attack on his dreams that he’s fought for for so long— his dreams that made him unique from his brother and made his parents proud. Where would he end up if he just quit? He’d be a disappointment. He has a fight with his friends about it and storms off.
Part 4 will feature their first kiss!!
As always, feel free to revise, add on, or even tell me YOUR headcanons bc I'd love to hear them! :D
James is FLABBERGASTED that Keith somehow made it into the Garrison despite stealing Shiro’s car. He was always taught that you had to work for your place and that people would only treat you well if you did everything by the books and were friendly/sociable and likable. He despises Keith for breaking this rule (he’s jealous)
And James now is forced to acknowledge Keith as a threat to his first place rank in his school life (Keith had never registered as a threat before bc he didn’t really care about his grades and he wasn’t a natural prodigy at all subjects. But now PILOTING was a huge part of both of their identities and Keith was undeniably beating him). So now he was second place at home AND school
(I also forgot to add in the last part that I think James admired/was jealous of Keith’s bravery in that Keith stood up to bullies in higher grades, say to protect an injured animal for example, while James was too scared. He liked this quality in Keith but began wondering if Keith was somehow a better or stronger person than him, but pushed it aside bc James was definitely the better student. Now James had less to prove his superiority without that piece)
James also hates how Shiro is mentoring KEITH when James was the one who did everything right (again a second place complex). He’s jealous of Keith bc of the opportunities Shiro gives him. But he’s also jealous of Shiro bc Shiro seems to be the one person Keith actually likes, which James could never manage to be
This leads James to continue bullying Keith and Keith just isn’t really paying much attention to James other than when James makes a snide comment or two, but even then, Keith replies with something snarky back. This frustrates James and this in combination with Keith getting the whole class in trouble and affecting their grades is what eventually leads him to make the “is that what your parents told you before—“ comment bc he knew it would be a guaranteed way to upset Keith (I do hc that everyone knew about Keith’s father at their elementary school bc 1) probably that school was near the orphanage and had lots of orphans in it, so it was probably normalized/kids were desensitized to it and 2) I imagine it would be one of those situations where the teacher would tell the class prior to Keith joining the class to be extra nice bc he just lost his dad. I don’t think angry frustrated James would really be thinking clearly about what he was actually saying; he just wanted to get to Keith)
After Keith punches him, though, Shiro seems to hang out with Keith more (again pissing James off/making him jealous of both of them bc Keith should not be rewarded for his behavior and Keith should smile at James like that, not Shiro), and Keith seems to pay less attention to James, seems less bothered by James’ snide comments, which frustrates him even more
Homophobic rumors about Keith and Shiro being a thing begin too bc they are seen spending a lot of time together outside of class. James at first thinks they’re ridiculous, but his insecurities tell him they’re true (in James’ mind, he would rather Shiro be a groomer and Keith be tricked into liking Shiro than Keith just normally picking Shiro over him) and he’s once again jealous. Keith on the other hand, is distant from his classmates so has no idea about the rumor
So atp, they both think they hate each other, but James also sorta enjoys the, albeit aggressive, attention from Keith when he can get it
They do sorta continue their jealousy dynamic though, where James is jealous of Keith’s freedom and talent, and Keith is jealous of James’ discipline and overall likability
James at this time is also confused about his sexuality (although he’s in denial) because he does find Keith more attractive these days and it’s harder to say it’s because Keith resembles a girl as they grow up. But he refuses to think he’s attracted to guys. He resents and blames Keith for making him confused.
Will make a part three for pre-kerb drama!! Ft. A lot more Shiro LOL
