Winter 2014
I try to keep my face stone still; I worry that if it moves an inch, I’ll become a complete wreck. I whimper for Ben, as much energy as I’ve put into avoiding it. At my cries, I start to hear Gen’s own through the wall of our bedroom, and I wish I could go out and help her, but I just can’t seem to move my body out of the bed.
“Janny? Please come out.” Gen knocks on the door. “Please,” she whimpers. I don’t say anything for fear of a childish wail escaping my throat, and I hear her walk away and toward the living room.
…
Near a half-hour later, I’m still lying in my bed, staring at the bunk above me and listening to the clock on the wall tick away. Then the doorbell rings, and I hear tiny, Gen feet-sized footsteps rush toward the front door.
“Genevieve!” Ben yells, “Are you okay, baby?” Her heart-wrenching sobs pierce through the drywall and right into my ears.
“Benny,” she sniffles.
“What is it, sweetheart? What’s wrong? Why didn’t you say anything on the phone, love? I was so worried!”
“Daddy left.” Save for Gen’s crying, the house is utterly silent, and I can feel his breath hitch. He knows exactly what this means. This time, he isn’t coming back.
“Oh, Gen, I am so sorry, love. I am so sorry.” She’s quiet for a moment.
“Jan really needs you, Benny.” I don’t know exactly what does it, but there must be something on Gen’s face because at that, Ben’s footsteps start to sprint up the hallway toward my room.
He bursts through the door and moves toward the bed. “Nettie?” At his voice, so close, my lip starts to tremble and my eyes start to sting again. “Nettie.” He folds himself over my body, finds my hand, and links our fingers together. I hiccup.
“Benji, Daddy left. For real.” He kisses my cheek, now streaked with tears on every inch. “He’s not coming back—”
“I know, Jan. I’m so sorry.” I turn onto my back, and Ben falls the rest of the way into the bed. For a while we sit there, and I just cry.
“Mom’s gone too.”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah.” I pause. “I’m not actually sure if she’s coming back.” He squeezes me tighter into his arms.
“I wish I could take all of this away, Netts, I really do.”
“I know.” I lean into him, and I’m silent out of fear of the next words that eventually make their way out of my mouth. “I don’t know if I would want her to either.”
“You don’t have to worry about that right now, lover.” I nod, and Ben kisses my head. “We should probably go out to your sister. She’s really scared about you, I think. She needs to see you and make sure you’re okay for herself.”
“Oh, Gen, love,” I murmur. Then, I shift my attention and energy on moving my legs to get out of bed, but the efforts are fruitless.
“Here,” Ben says, rolling over me and onto the floor, “I’ll get you.” He picks me up and carries me out into the living room.
…
When Gen spots us walking toward the couch, with her already tear-stained face, she starts crying once more and yells “Janny! Are you okay?” She runs up to us and holds her body close as we continue our walk.
Ben sets me down on the couch, but his hands don’t leave my back and arm until I prove to him “I can still sit up alone, Ben. I promise.”
“Alright,” he says, “but make sure you’re leaning against the back of the couch if you need to.” I nod my head toward Gen, sitting criss-cross on the floor, her back now facing me and Ben.
“She needs you more right now, Ben,” I whisper. “I can hold it together until her bedtime.” He cocks an eyebrow, and as much as it makes me feel like it’s a time to laugh, as it’s been every other time he’s done it, I know he’s serious. “Now that you’re here,” I say, internally rolling my eyes. His mouth starts to turn upside-right again. Or maybe not so internally.
“Gen-ster, baby,” Ben starts, turning around toward her, “we all need to talk a little bit. I know it’s hard, love. I’m really sorry.” He crouches and wraps his arms around her. She sniffs.
“Why did he leave me and Janny too? Why couldn’t he bring us with him?”
“Oh, Gen, I don’t know. I really wish I could tell you the answer to that.” I’ve known Gen’s torn up about this, just like I am, but for some reason, it only now dawns on me that she’s been pushing things down because of her worry for me. That’s supposed to be my job.
“He didn’t,” I start, wiping my face with my hand and looking into her eyes, “he didn’t leave us.” Yeah, right. “You know how Mom makes us feel?” She nods. “She made Dad feel that way too, and he wasn’t able to do anything about it. He just knows that we were both strong enough to be okay without him. And he’s right, isn’t he?” I lean forward and rub her cheek. “Isn’t he, Genni?”
She sniffs. “Yeah, he is. I only need you, Janet.” I move my hand to cover my, now, quivering lip but force the rest of my face into an affectionate smile.
Ben pulls her into a hug. “And she’s not going anywhere, baby,” he says. “And neither am I, if that makes you feel any better.” She lets out a small laugh, and I see relief wash over Ben’s face. “Now, I think after the long night you’ve had, it’s time for a good long sleep. Goodnight, Gen.”
“Night, Benny.” She kisses his cheek and stands up, walking over to me. Then she leans down and kisses my head. “Night, Janny.”
I barely hold myself and my fake smile together long enough for her bedroom door to close. But I do. After that, I fall to pieces and am worse for wear than I’ve been all night. Ben rests a hand on my leg, but as soon as tears start pouring again, I fall into him, and he pulls me as close as he can.