a letter that i re-wrote (completely) thrice,
The year is 2014 and I’ve discovered one plus one doesn’t equal two.
It’s been odd without you here at Hogwarts; you’re a constant presence I didn’t realize I connected with on such a deep level. Almost spiritual: how I fall asleep with your sighs on my lips, how your eyelashes hold hands with mine in lucid dreams, day dreams, quietly connecting like a puzzle piece. The extended jigsaw metaphor is an exaggeration; we’re whole and complete without one another. But when we console… Calm, complete serenity.
One plus one equals one.
A foretaste of our full potential — physical, emotional, harmony. A level of ease. In this way, I know, we were meant to be. When you can argue, be upset, spar words with someone and still sit down, say ‘I’m angry but I love you, so so much.’ I miss you, I love you so so much. That’s a level of harmony and coexistence so divine, it’s important to recognize it when he stumbles into your life, clad in ice-skating clothes, marching with handcuffs. I can’t explain how liberating it is to feel completely sane with someone. And I’d devour anyone who dared to touch you unconsentually without reservations or hesitance… I’d also let you go without a single regret if it made you happier. You aren’t property, but a complete entity that astounds and awes me to silence. One.
Yuzuru Hanyu.
Such peace.
Read between my lines.
There are never enough words to describe everything. Even with simple things. Like, the specific set of butterflies that flutter when I catch you murmuring to yourself. There isn’t a word for that.
I, Jaymes Morgan, admit to harnessing a whirlwind’s worth of energy. I’m not a peaceful person. But you center me, often, make it easier to think. An addictive gravitation. Break down my ideas, divide concepts, piece them back together slowly, with me, beside me. Build a solid foundation. I feel everything at once when we’re together, of course —!! Passion, need, covetous love. But, there’s an overwhelming sense of tranquility, like it’s okay to feel everything and anything. Does that make sense? I remember why I’m alive, what’s beating underneath the skin covering my chest. It’s comforting to feel everything.
If this world is so big… Why did we meet? That’s really existential, right? And we’re sitting here, contemplating it in our late teens. We’re not the only ones doing so, but to us we’re the only ones who matter. Right now, here. I don’t think you can answer that question in words. It becomes a myriad of touching, breathing, animalistic urges and sensations after a while…
A lot of intimacy that I crave isn’t here now, not that it’s anyone’s fault… But I think about our time together. Running my hands through your hair, a tiny figure curled up like a fetus laying on my lap, dark eyes that reply to mine. And a current of happiness surges through me, something warm rises and spills over. Good spirits that cause a chain reaction. Excitement, surges of blood. That’s what constitutes being alive, right?
A confession: I get madly desirous of your approval. I crave being intimate with you in every way. One heartbeat plus one heartbeat equaling one heartbeat. That in synch. The world hides behind the thumping of one chest. Our chest. When I look at you, I envision kindness, compassion, love, lust, adoration I haven’t known. I’ve seen those things operate outside of each other but you hand me all of them so easily, all at once. I’m struck by it. And I don’t act irrationally, but… There’s a chemical rush when I take your hand. I kiss it afterwards. Just the natural curiosity, me moving closer to things I don’t understand, concepts… A never ending quest for knowledge. The journey counts.
Am I making sense?
It’s important you realize that I’d wait a thousand years.
I love you.
Jaymes Morgan.
P.S. will you date me?