jennsnow.
i am in a relationship with some one who identifies as a lesbian (or did... i don't really know how all these terms work) and she's been my best friend for 15 years but we've only been together for about 6 months.
things with us started when i was a sophomore. i still remember the first time i laid eyes on her on campus. she sought me out on live journal and we ended up hanging out and having mostly a physical relationship even though i wanted more i was just to timid and scared to be forward so thats all it ever was with us. but then we both were in and out of relationships so the timing was never right until recently.
on my 30th birthday i got really drunk and outed myself. i told my friends at my party that i was having these thoughts of questioning my gender. i woke up the next morning mortified... “what did i say”, “who was here”, “what do they know”, “my mom was at the party does she know”, i had so many questions, but i was to scared to find out the truth.
jenn and i got together a couple months after that and one day i brought up the party and apparently she remembers something completely different then i do. granted she was also pretty drunk, but she dosnt remember a thing about me coming out. did i imagine the whole thing?? we recently asked another person at the party but the only way to really ask a question like that is to start with what i thought happened... so as far as i know there are only two people that knew of me. and who i could potentially become. to till day i still have no idea what happened...
i couldn't ask for a better parter. she is so supportive of me finding my way. i still worry about talking to her sometimes about what I'm feeling and what I'm going through... its just so hard...... its hard to even admit to myself some times. i don't know what i want.... i have no idea who i am. am i sam? the guy i always wanted to be? or am i Rachel. the girl i was born to be?
a part of me feels like until i figure out who i really am and admit to myself. i shouldn't admit any thing to any one....
