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[iamsamsnow-blog]

After the first session

I’d have to say my first session went pretty well... it’s not all in my head!! But I do have to say I feel better. It feels good to have validation and reassurance.. am I really gonna do this.... can I really do this...

I don’t really know where to go from here... I’m not a talkative person so sessions are going to be hard but I’m sure once I open up some more and feel less dramatic it shouldn’t be to hard...

It’s terrifying to me to know I’m gonna have to tell more people and come out..

I feel like my journey is officially starting

[iamsamsnow-blog]

work packing

it started with packing a couple hours a week at home 7 months ago. 

and today was my first time packing at work...it was easier then i thought it would be but still awkward as fuck!  its time like this i wish i knew more FTMs and asked them these questions!! i was i so nervous i was gonna have a moose knuckle so i kept looking down at my crotch, hopefully no one ever saw, i don't know what would have been more awkward.

 i have been trying to come out more and i have been able accept it more and be more open about it, but i also don't want to make it a big deal. i guess I'm still in the embarrassed stage more then I'm in the loud and proud stages.... but do i need to be proud? i am definitely proud of myself and how far I've come but it doesn't mean i want to tell the world...... isn't the goal to pass with out labeling yourself....... and i think thats why I'm just unsure if i will even be able to start T...... i just don't want to change to fast! is that such a bad thing to want..... 

[iamsamsnow-blog]

the therapist.

so i finally got the courage to start transition therapy,i don't know why it was so hard. obviously this is a huge step toward the end goal... but i couldn't be more nervous!!! its not that i don't want this because i do..... i just don't know if I'm fully ready.... I've been talking with jenn snow about this issue and I've sorta been able to talk myself through most of these issues some times i just can't help but think WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!!!

[iamsamsnow-blog]

jennsnow.

i am in a relationship with some one who identifies as a lesbian (or did... i don't really know how all these terms work) and she's been my best friend for 15 years but we've only been together for about 6 months. 

things with us started when i was a sophomore. i still remember the first time i laid eyes on her on campus. she sought me out on live journal and we ended up hanging out and having mostly a physical relationship even though i wanted more i was just to timid and scared to be forward so thats all it ever was with us. but then we both were in and out of relationships so the timing was never right until recently.

on my 30th birthday i got really drunk and outed myself. i told my friends at my party that i was having these thoughts of questioning my gender. i woke up the next morning mortified... “what did i say”, “who was here”, “what do they know”, “my mom was at the party does she know”, i had so many questions, but i was to scared to find out the truth. 

jenn and i got together a couple months after that and one day i brought up the party and apparently she remembers something completely different then i do. granted she was also pretty drunk, but she dosnt remember a thing about me coming out. did i imagine the whole thing?? we recently asked another person at the party but the only way to really ask a question like that is to start with what i thought happened...  so as far as i know there are only two people that knew of me. and who i could potentially become. to till day i still have no idea what happened... 

i couldn't ask for a better parter. she is so supportive of me finding my way. i still worry about talking to her sometimes about what I'm feeling and what I'm going through... its just so hard...... its hard to even admit to myself some times.  i don't know what i want.... i have no idea who i am. am i sam? the guy i always wanted to be? or am i Rachel. the girl i was born to be?

 a part of me feels like until i figure out who i really am and admit to myself. i shouldn't admit any thing to any one.... 

[iamsamsnow-blog]

growing pains.

i was born female. my birth name is Rachel.

and i think i might be tans.

i was a major tomboy growing up. when i was in kindergarten my mom let me cut my hair off. she was really supportive and just let me be who i wanted to be. without that i definitely would not be the person i am today. but i with being who i wanted i got picked on a lot.  the other kids at should would always call me “IT” and taunt me with the dreaded question “ are you a boy or a girl?” (those words still haunt me to this day) 

i dont remember this happening but my mom has told me as a kid i once tried to pee standing up. i looked up to my dad a lot and i just figure i wanted to be like him. i didn't know gender. i was probably only 5 years old at the time. but looking back at these stories just make me feel like this is something I've had in me all along. I've just maybe never wanted to accept that part of me.

as i got older i started to become more feminine. and it was mostly because i felt like i had to.. i was embarrassed of my masculinity. i didn't want people to keep confusing me with a  guy. and i still havnt used to buying boy clothes... and i know it sounds stupid... because i shouldn't care what people think of me but its easier said then done. judgment from strangers... any one for that matter is scary. or is it just me? 

now, i wouldn't actually call myself a feminine person... i do put on make up and it is a must. but its basic bitch shit.. just some foundation and mascara. as for as style mens basic tees and women jeans. mostly because i have big hips and can't figure out men pants.. but some day i hope to find a pair. underwear on the other hand... it wasn't until recently i let myself buy mens underwear... and looking back now i don't know why i wouldn't let myself.... i just thought it was weird and wrong...  and for a while it was only a house thing... i would work in women underwear, come home every day and put on mens underwear. it became such a comfort... its not like i wore thongs either.. its Hanes her way boy briefs. but there was just something about the thought of putting on those mens underwear that made me excited to come homes.

as far sex..... i didn't ever use toys besides on some occasions... i knew i was a lesbian and so i was with lesbian women... and i felt like if i used toys it would make me more of a man and that would make them less as a lesbian... does that mean i should have been looking for a straight women all along??? ( there are so many questions i have for myself and others this is all so new to me.)  

[iamsamsnow-blog]

Confession #1

shortly before my 30th birthday i started to question who i was... but not like most people do.... for most people they question where they are in their life as far as am i happy with my job? have i accomplished enough? will i ever get married? will i ever have kids? for me i started to question who i was a person... 

i am almost 30.. i was born female, living alone and okay with be single.. i was happy being a total recluse. but something in me changed... i don't remember the exact moment but it was like a light bulb went off in my head. and that was when my life changed.

being a lesbian i knew there were transpeople out there, i didn't know any personally but i knew they existed.. it wasn't until that light bulb went off that i realized i might be one too. and to be honest i am really struggling with it. but I'm starting to find ways to embrace it.