What really happened after S14.E15...
It’s after Jack kills Michael and gets his powers back. It’s after the hunters that were killed in the bunker get their proper hunter’s funerals. It’s after Sam and Dean have had the time to bury their own emotions like they always do. It’s after Cas works tirelessly to do all he can to keep their family together and functioning.
After all of this, they finally feel ready for a new hunt - an easy milk run - something to get them back in the swing of things and get their lives back on track. Other than watching out for Jack, there is no major threat to worry about and they can get back to the regular, run of the mill monsters and ghosts. So Sam finds something local, a possible haunted hotel only about thirty minutes away from the bunker, and they all agree to go check it out. There’s really no need for all four of them to go, but it feels like it’s something they should do all together anyway.
The hunt turns out to be straightforward and easy as far as hunts go. They identified the ghost, salt and burned the bones, and saved a young boy who was targeted to be the ghost’s next victim. Sam is thrilled and already eager to find another hunt. Jack can’t stop grinning, finally feeling useful again and, like always, Dean soaks in the excitement coming from them and smiles all throughout their celebratory meal at a local diner. The smile, however, is only on the surface. He doesn’t feel the same joy from the hunt as Sam and Jack do, and he’s not entirely sure why. No one seems to notice anything is amiss, but Dean needs to sort things out in his own head. He needs space.
When they are finished with their meal and ready to head back to the bunker, Dean makes up an excuse to stay behind, something about running errands and needing to pick up a few things. He had taken Jack out fishing again before the hunt, so Sam and Cas had met them at the hotel, leaving them with two vehicles. After assuring everyone that he’s fine, the others climb into Cas’s beat up truck while Dean heads over to the Impala. Just as he’s about to climb in, there’s a hand on his shoulder. It’s a tentative touch, but also firm and familiar. Dean turns around to come face to face with a very worried looking Cas. Just over Cas’s shoulder, Dean can see the truck already pulling away with Sam and Jack inside.
Cas recognizes Dean’s confusion and speaks first; “I’ll go with you… to run your errands.” Dean’s attempts at arguing against him are weak and lacking conviction. Without much of a fight, Cas ends up in the passenger seat as Dean drives. They drive a long stretch of highway in a comfortable silence and it’s nearly an hour before either of them speak.
“I take it you don’t really have any errands to run, do you?” Cas is careful in his approach and makes sure his words are gentle and without accusation. He can sense that there is more going on here and he really doesn’t mind aimlessly driving with Dean anyway. He never has.
“No, Cas. No errands. I just… I just wanted to drive.” The reply comes with a labored exhale and Cas notices that he sounds anxious. It also doesn’t escape his notice that Dean’s knuckles are white as they grip the steering wheel - a stark contrast to his usual relaxed demeanor when he’s driving the open road in his Baby. Dean’s jaw is set and he doesn’t even bother glancing over at Cas.
“Okay, Dean.” They keep driving.
Another hour passes and dark, threatening storm clouds have rolled in. Dean seems no more relaxed than he was when they started out and Cas thinks it’s about time he say something.
“Dean, I think we should st--”
“I can’t do this anymore.” Dean cuts him off mid sentence and Cas allows him. He thinks Dean has been working up the courage to say something for the past fifteen minutes, so he remains silent and let’s Dean speak again when he’s ready. Several moments pass before he does. “I… I don’t know how to keep going, Cas. I’m just so tired and it’s taking everything I’ve got to put one foot in front of the other right now.” Dean’s fists are now opening and closing around the steering wheel and he’s trying to hold onto to something, anything, that might ground him and keep him in the moment.
Dean’s breathing speeds up as he tells Cas what’s going on in his head. Cas mostly just listens, but will speak up with a question or comment when he feels like it’s needed. As Dean goes on, it becomes more and more difficult for him to inhale and raindrops begin to pelt the windshield. Cas is getting worried and moves to lay a hand on Dean’s forearm. When he does, Dean suddenly veers the car off to the right. It’s an unmarked dirt road and Cas wonders how Dean noticed it, or even if he really saw it at all. The Impala picks up speed and bumps along the dirt and gravel. Cas’s hand is still holding onto Dean’s forearm when they reach a small outcropping of trees and he comes to a jerked stop.
Dean gets out of the car, slamming the door shut with a force that makes Cas wince, and starts pacing. Cas gets out as well and watches him, helpless, as Dean continues to let it all spill over. His every fear and every worry… it all comes tumbling out in a panicked rush. Cas leans against the hood of the car while Dean goes on. His presence being the only thing he has to offer. Dean doesn’t know where it all comes from, but he can’t stop. He tells Cas things that he’s never even spoken aloud before - things he would never dream of telling Sam - and Cas just listens. He always been so good at that. Even when Dean has nothing important to say, he listens.
The rain is coming down harder now. Cas’s grace keeps him dry, but Dean doesn’t even notice his own clothes getting soaked through and Cas doesn’t dare interrupt. It’s an extremely rare occasion for Dean to freely let out his emotions in such an expressive manner, and Cas will be be there for him as his sounding board. He’ll gladly be whatever it is that Dean needs in this moment and right now, he just needs to be heard and to unload.
The agrier the incoming storm gets, the angier Dean himself becomes - his words get louder, his pacing gets faster, and his desperation grows deeper. It’s an ominous parallel and one that Cas doesn’t miss. At the first crack of thunder, Dean doesn’t even flinch. He’s still going, but he’s repeating himself now. He’s worked up, a dam about to break. Then Cas sees them… there are tears in Dean’s eyes. Anyone else might not be able to notice since Dean’s face is streaked with rain, but Cas knows. He also knows it’s time to step in because Dean can’t keep going on like this.
Cas steps forward and into Dean’s path. Dean startles to a halt as he’s grabbed by the shoulders and firmly held in place. He looks up, finally making eye contact, and his look of surprise suggests that he had forgotten Cas was even there. His eyes are red now and his breathing is labored. Cas expects a fight, to be pushed away. Shouting maybe, or some kind of struggle at least. What he doesn’t expect is for Dean to collapse to his knees, soaking his jeans in mud and water.
Cas easily accepts Dean’s weight and collapses down with him. Dean immediately falls forward, his face burying into the crook of Cas’s shoulder and his fists grabbing at the lapels of the trenchcoat.
The trenchcoat. The stupid, old, tax accountant looking trenchcoat. The coat that somehow, a long time ago (and without Dean’s conscious permission) became a symbol of familiarity to him. Dean has lost count of the times he’s held onto that coat for the simple yet profound comfort it provides.
Sobs wrack Dean’s body and despair consumes him. As his chest heaves and the tears fall freely, Cas’s strong, steady hands hold him close; one at the back of his head and the other between his shoulder blades. Neither of them say a word.
It takes a few minutes, but Dean finally begins to calm down. He slowly lifts his head and forces himself to look at Cas. He’s embarrassed and is afraid to see a face full of pity or annoyance or maybe even disgust looking back at him, but he sees none of those things. Cas is looking at him with concern and something that might even be considered admiration. Cas’s hands move to cup Dean’s face, but still he says nothing. They hold each other’s gaze for a few moments, having an entire conversation without any words at all. In the silence, Dean can hear Cas tell him that everything will be ok. What’s more surprising is that Dean begins to believe it.
Dean fights back another wave of tears as he wonders how long they’ve been this way with each other. How long has Cas been able to settle him with just a look or a gesture? How long has he trusted Cas enough to lay all his fucked up emotions out in the open? How long has he, without even realizing it, needed Cas’s comfort in times of distress? He’s not sure he can remember. Somehow, Cas wiggled into his life and made a place for himself so solid and permanent and important that his absence would leave a gaping, irreplaceable hole. He learned as much two years ago when he thought he had lost him to the Empty forever.
Cas still has his face in his hands and Dean just breathes, a calm washing over him amidst the rain still coming down. A bolt of lightning flashes behind Cas’s head, illuminating his silhouette. For just a moment, the light looks like a halo and Dean thinks that maybe… just maybe… he can see a faint outline of his wings, but the light disappears as fast as it came and he can’t see them anymore. He lets Cas cradle his head and the rain wash away the tears.
Slowly and with a gentleness that Dean has rarely ever experienced, Cas helps him to his feet. He gestures for Dean to stay there while he gets the keys from the front seat of the Impala and opens the trunk. Finding what he needs in Dean’s duffel, he gently guides Dean to the back door of the driver’s side. Cas opens the door and lays a towel on the seat, nudging Dean to sit. When he does, Cas hands over a change of clothes for him to hold while he bends down and begins taking off Dean’s shoes and socks - Dean lets him without protest. Then, Cas takes off his trenchcoat and holds it above the door so Dean can change into dry clothes without worrying about the rain. He keeps his head above the roof of the car to give him his privacy. When Dean is finished changing, the wet clothes are put back in the trunk and then Dean slides across the backseat, making room for Cas to slide in next to him.
Once they are both dry and seated in the car, they lock eyes again. They haven’t spoken a single word between them since Dean collapsed into the mud. He wants to say something but doesn’t know what or how. He wants to say all the built up “thank you’s” and “I’m sorry’s”, but he can’t make the words come out. Instead, his words culminate in a fresh set of tears and he can’t even be bothered to feel ashamed of them anymore.
“It’s okay, Dean. We don’t have to go anywhere else until you’re ready.”
Cas understands. He always does.
Just as Cas begins to move to the front seat to give Dean his space, he finally manages to get out one word. One word that he hopes says everything he’s ever wanted to say to Cas. One word that is a question, a suggestion, a request, a plea, and an “I need you” all rolled into one. Just one word.
The response is immediate and unsurprising, but altogether an indescribable relief . “Of course.”
Cas takes off his coat, still dry by the power of his grace, and wraps it around Dean’s shoulders to help warm him up. Without any thought at all, Dean leans in and rests his head on him. They shuffle around to get comfortable and Dean ends up mostly laying on his left side with his back against the seat. His head is nestled on Cas’s shoulder and his right arm draped over Cas’s stomach. It’s a position that looks an awful lot like cuddling.
Once settled, Dean allows himself to relax against Cas. He feels warm and calm and… safe. Once again, he wonders when this all happened and how they ever reached this point. He stops just short of thinking too hard about how lying next to Cas like this is strange only because it doesn’t actually feel strange at all. It feels natural, like this is something they’ve always been meant to do and to be together. Cas doesn’t flinch or hesitate or question any of it. He’s just there, like he always is. Like he knows exactly when and how Dean needs him.
Dean falls asleep in Cas’s arms and with Cas’s hand stroking his hair. For the first time in longer than he can remember, he sleeps a deep and dreamless sleep. He finds a peace that he’s been searching for for so long and now understands that he’s actually had it for awhile. He has Cas and Cas is his peace. Cas makes him feel safe amidst a world that so often feels like it’s crashing in around him. Cas makes him feel like he’s found home. Cas is home. And that’s enough to quiet the storm that rages on both outside the Impala and inside his own mind. It’s after all this that Dean can finally breathe again.
