You won't fucking believe the day that I've had. I know the New Year is supposed to start with a clean slate and serenity, but such has not been the case for yours truly. Things at Mother Molly's Milk have been so crazy, and I've been clocking in nearly 30 hours a week. That alone is enough to wear a girl down. Not to mention Rosa broke up with her boyfriend, Lupo, and was a complete mess (don't worry girl...you'll get through this).
I just fucking needed a break from it all. As me and Rosa were smoking a fucking fat J in my room, I took a huge, deep hit and it came to me: the best idea i've fucking had in days. "oh my god," I said to Rosa, "I just had the best fucking idea."
"OH FUCK DIANE!!!!" Rosa said as she began to seize, "TELL ME, TELL ME, TELL ME"
"Ok bitch just calm down first." She did as she was told and I rewarded her by passing the J. "Youre newly single and miserable and im just sick of everything...this is the perfect opportunity to go visit our Leslie and her daughter Ophelia!" Leslie and Ophie were currently touring Ireland, and serving up some real B-wick performance art for those red-headed pussies.
Rosa agreed to my plan, naturally. I mean, who wouldn't? Even better, we wouldn't even have to pay for plane tickets because this guy I used to fuck, Angelo, is a pilot for Delta, and he always hooks it up. I make sure to pay him in other ways, though ;-). The next plane to Galway, Ireland was leaving in 4 hours, so it gave us just enough time to smoke another eighth, pack quickly and hop on our bikes to JFK.
When we got to Galway, we took a cab to Leslie's apartment and she met us there. We smoked a couple J's and then put Ophie to bed as we got ready to teach this place how to really party.
Me, Rosa and Leslie, and some of her Irish bitches hit up all the pubs, drank approx. 69 hard ciders and pussy popped to some great fiddle music. Before we knew it, it was last call and I tossed back the last Jameson shot of the night. My body was immediately paralyzed with sheer horniness. I needed to fuck someone, STAT. But who? I looked around the bar and saw no one who could handle a woman like me.
Defeated and disheartened, we all returned to Leslie's flat, where we continued to smoke some dank irish skunk and sit in the nude. All the ladies passed out, except for yours truly. Around 5 a.m. (it was an early night), I heard someone screaming from the street. I walked out onto Les's balcony, wearing only my sultry reading glasses, and shouted, "SHUT THE FUCK UP, WILL YOU? YOU GOT SOME NERVE TO..."
Then, I looked down and saw who was making such a fuss. I stopped right in my tracks, mid-sentence. It was a man. A man with a sick body and a face that looked perfect for sitting on. "Perrrrfect," I said to myself, devilishly. I can only imagine that this exchange looked like a very noir-like take on Romeo & Juliet.
a taste of my outfit... pic credit- Ophelia's iPad 2
"Why don't you come up here and apologize to me for making so much noise?" I asked the strange man, while I caressed my still nude body.
"Oh.....fuck.......I would....love to," he slurred in a heavy irish brogue. I buzzed him in.
He was much drunker than I was. "This is going to be easier than I thought," I said to myself as I waited for him to get inside. He rang the door bell, I opened the door and forcefully pulled him into the flat. Then, I dragged him by the shirt into Leslie's spare bedroom.
He tried to tell me how he was a national Judo champion or some shit, but I just couldn't bring myself to care a bit. "What makes you think that I care?" I said, as I slapped him across the face. "Now shut up and do me." He did as he was told.
I found the sex to be mediocre at best, but like every other lover I have taken, he was instantaneously head-over-heels in love with me. "I don't even know your name, you American goddess," he said to me, "but I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
"You fucking wish," I said. With that, I woke Rosa up, grabbed our shit and headed back to the airport. I was over Ireland, and I needed to get back to Bushwick ASAP.
Now I'm writing this post from my first class seat (Rosa's in coach) on the flight back to NY. I just took 3 Xanax and drank a margarita so I'm hoping to pass out soon.