synopsis. you swore to always help jihyo no matter what she was going through - but just maybe, this time she'll drag you down along with her. and maybe you want that. or maybe you just want her to be happy.
ꕀ content. longshot -> angst/smut/mental health. generally not suited for audiences - 16. talking of self harm via eating disorders, anxiety attacks and brief c/tting. religion and religious trauma. internalized homophobia. situational homophobia. based on the song 'sailor song' by gigi perez. implied cheating. mentioned COVID era!
notes. this took ages to write because writing about my darling bbg like this is generally so painful.
Park Jihyo’s hands would lace, intimately, in your hair as you hovered over her.
She laid beneath you, a sprawled out beauty with crimson hair going in each direction– like a halo of roses around her head. Her chest rose and fell with quick, short breaths. Her mouth, bruised a soft red, had its corners lifted into a gentle grin- the smallest hints of her teeth poking through. An adorable grin. She was beautiful. Park Jihyo has always been beautiful to you.
“Well?” She’d whisper, all giggles as her face scrunched up. “Aren’t you going to kiss me?”
“Yes…” You’d breathe, smiling along dumbly with her. “Yes, I’m going to kiss you, Jiji. But… let me admire you first.”
An embarrassed hue would overtake those pretty features, and the other girl would clear her throat and nod softly. “Just don’t…take too long.” Would come Jihyo’s breathless whisper. Her head would slightly turn away, shying from your adoring gaze. The way you looked at her… caused a thud to form consistently within her chest.
“Pretty.”
She’d look back then, giving the tiniest, shyest smile. “Yeah?”
“Hm, yeah.” You’d laugh in response, leaning down. Almost comically, her pretty eyes would shut in anticipation- and she’d slightly lift to meet you. “Dork…”
And your lips would ghost upon hers, like a phantom touch in the middle of the night. She’d suck in an intake of breath, hands tensing in your hair. The moment your lips finally met the leaders, she’d relax all together. Her hands would move down, arms wrapping around your neck and pressing you closer.
“Jihyo–” You’d rasp into her kiss, feeling an effective heat swell in your tummy.
The way it always did when she kissed you.
Pulling from the kiss, Jihyo leans back with tiny pants. She breaks out into a smile. “Do I have you flustered?”
Her laugh. Her pretty, pretty laugh. Your heart swells in your chest, and you lean back down to bury your face in her neck. “You’re so fucking pretty, Jihyo.”
The leader blushes prettily and softly smacks your arm. “Language.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes, seriously!”
“You’re unbelievable,” You pull from her with a grin. “I’m on top of you right now, and you’re worried about my language?”
Jihyo pauses, gazing at you practically sitting on her lap, before a smirk takes over her face. “You are on top of me, huh?”
You groan. “Oh my god, you’re such a weirdo.”
She giggles in response, eyes shining. “Don’t say that.”
“What?” You find yourself smiling, hand coming to hold her face. She nuzzles into it like an oversized cat, and you swoon. “Don’t call you a weirdo, my little weirdo? I think I’ll call you whatever I want…”
Jihyo pokes her tongue out, touching your hand and making you squeak away as she laughs. “No, you idiot. You shouldn’t say oh my god, it’s bad. Just say oh my or something.” She rests a hand on your hip and gives a gentle smile. “Okay?”
You huff, still wiping off your hand– onto her shirt. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Shut up and kiss the pretty girl on your lap.”
“Oh, so now you’re calling yourself pretty?”
“Thin ice, Park.”
“Oh? My last name? How scandalous…”
She feels you grumble, before your lips are back on hers. Her hands rub your hips, subconsciously, but she’s hung up on what you said. Kiss the pretty girl on your lap. Girl. She quickly pushes the thought to the back of her head. It’s okay. Right?
She wasn’t doing anything bad…
-
“How many times do we need to have this conversation?” You pleaded with the now brunette haired girl. Months into this, and you were already seemingly pulling away from her. “Jihyo– the girls aren’t going to care–”
“It’s not about them caring, it's–” Jihyo seems to gasp for words, looking away as she holds herself close, away from you. The kitchen is far too tiny for two. “What if they slip up? And then the managers hear, and then they tell the supervisors, and then–” She struggles for words. “...my parents?”
Her heart sped uncomfortably at the thought. Oh no. If her parents found out– they’d no doubt be mad. There was no way they’d accept the things she’d been doing…with a girl. Setting a horrible example for her sisters. Ruining the family. Becoming a disappointment. Oh no. Oh no, no, no.
“Jihyo?” Your brows would furrow toward her. “Hey? Are you listening? That won’t happen.”
“How do you know?” She pleaded back, looking at you wide eyed. “How do you know all of this won’t come back to bite us?”
“Because–” You stammer. “Jesus, Jihyo- we aren’t the first lesbians on the planet, we can figure it out–”
“I’m not-” An expression you’ve never seen on her face before comes up. It was masked disgust, as if the very thought of that label made her want to puke. Her chest swells with an ugly sensation, as she forces out the words. “I’m not a lesbian.”
You scoff. “Well you certainly aren’t straight.”
Jihyo’s eyes waver. “Stop talking so loud,” She dismisses, peeking out from the kitchen and towards the girls in the living room, grouped together over movie night. Slowly, she looks back at you, waving a hand. “Look, it’s not easy for me like it is for you, Y/n- I-I’m not…that way.”
Now it’s your turn to stare wide eyed. “That way? Do you even hear yourself right now?”
“Of course I do, but that’s not the point…!” Jihyo swears quickly, furrowing her brows. “Look, I’m not doing it, okay? I’m fine how we are. Just…us. No labels, no…sexualities. As long as we’re us, it’s fine.”
You stare in confusion. “What the hell are you even saying?”
The leader pinches the bridge of her nose. “I’m saying if you want to keep this up, then don’t…say anything to the girls.” Her face turns sympathetic, and hesitantly her arms wrap around your waist. “Look, I’m sorry. Things are just– we’re fresh out of debut. It’s too soon, don’t you think?”
Well, no, you didn’t think that.
“...Alright,” You whisper, dejectedly. “Fine. But I’m only giving you a few months, okay?”
You can’t help but bitterly interject. “Are you sure? Jeongyeon could walk in–”
“Kiss me, you idiot.”
Finding yourself sighing in response, you do nothing to stop her when she closes her eyes, and softly moves in.
-
Somehow, a few months turned into a few years.
Your hands are laced in her shortened hair, freshly chopped for the new YES or YES comeback. The brunette in question had her hands on your thighs, holding you around her body as she pressed you to the wall behind the both of you. Her nails were digging in and your skirt was pushed up, pants from her lips cooling your bruised ones in a sensation close to the brink of pleasure.
“Baby…” She’d whisper, pulling away and hesitantly bringing her hands to your shirt. “Please?”
“I-I…” Truthfully, you’d been verbally telling her it was okay for months, neither of you had acted on it though. Your voice caught in your throat and Jihyo’s face turned sympathetic as she pressed a kiss to your cheek.
“We don’t have to…”
“No- no, I…I want to.” You shake your head. “Please. I really want to. I want you to…to do the things you’ve said you wanted to do to me…please.”
She softens, swallowing and whispering. “You’re sure?”
You give a final nod, and Jihyo’s lips are pressed again to yours. Her hands rub up your thighs, climbing up your body until she reaches the hem of your panties. She pulls from the kiss, taking in a breath as her hand dips to rub subtly over the cloth– and you physically shiver. Jihyo’s eyes flick up, and she pulls you into another warm, sticky kiss.
Her hands feel like clouds, her touch featherlight. She merely rubs slowly, feeling the way you tremble. Listening to the way you whimper against her lips– until she rasps out, into your mouth. “Y-You’re so…” She seems almost embarrassed. “Do I feel…that good?”
“Like heaven.”
Her heart aches. Just another reminder of what she was moving further from, as she indulged in you.
“Don't…” She sucked in a breath. “Don’t mention that while I’m…”
Your eyes flicker open and meet yours. “Jihyo, come o–”
You’re quickly silenced as her hands rub over a particularly sensitive spot, swirling you there and making your thighs shake at the sensation. “Do you like it right here…?” She whispers, so damn innocently. “You shake a lot when I rub here…What if I…”
Her fingers rub downward and back up your panties, watching as you let out a whimper and press your face into her neck. “J-Jihyo…” You whisper, body trembling in her grasp. “Please don’t tease me, not right now…”
“S-Sorry,” She whispers, swallowing. “It’s different then…then when I’ve…–”
She doesn’t speak it, but you know what she means.
“Yeah well…” You press closer, tiny whimpers leaving your lips as she continues to rub the same sensitive location. “I-It’s different than…doing it to yourself.”
Her breath sucks in. “Don’t say it like that,” She whispers, shakily. “Y-You…you’ve done it then…?”
“Of course I have, everyone has…”
Guiltily, Jihyo nods at that. She…had. On a whim.
She didn’t expect it to be more pleasurable than her Sunday activities. “We…really shouldn’t, you know.”
“Jihyo–”
“Right, sorry,” her brain was too fuzzy from your whimpers and moans in her ear. “I’ll um… touch you now.”
Her hand raises to the hem of your panties again, and she sucks in a breath as she slowly slips it under– only to gasp out the air she’d just breathed. Her eyes widen, comically, and Jihyo’s fingers tremble as they’re brought down– meeting you with a gentle caress. She finds your clit first and gives it a test rub, watching as you jolt and clutch onto her harder.
“...Right there, please–...”
“Okay…” Jihyo whispers, nodding quickly as she swirls the tiny ball in her finger, giving a hesitant press as a test. Your thighs flinch, before pressing together quickly like a vice around her arm. Jihyo grunts at the feeling, finger slipping off of your clit and accidently dipping into the warmth of your wetness. She gulps, audibly. “B-Baby–”
“J-Just…keep going.”
Nodding with reluctance, Jihyo’s fingers rub through, until she reaches your entrance. “I-I’ve never…um, made it this far.”
You groan, knowing she’s not meaning to tease you like this, but still feeling so immensely pent up. “J-Just…fuck.”
“Language.”
You ignore her, pulling back and squeezing your eyes shut from the feeling. “J-Just put…a finger in, Jihyo– Jesus Christ.”
“D-Don’t say that–”
“Jihyo.”
The brunette shuts up with a flush, frowning as she tries to angle her finger the right way– before it delves in fully. A gasp comes from both of you, and Jihyo quickly pulls out. “I-I-”
“Keep going, please…”
And slowly she does. Jihyo’s mind is mush. She can’t even focus on the task at hand as she sloppily fucks you. Her heart hammers in her ears. But not because the idea of doing this is so foreign, and so fun to her. But because…
Was she supposed to feel this conflicted during sex?
Did you…feel like this too?
“T-Too much…!” Your head shoves back into her neck as your legs spasm. Jihyo regains her consciousness and quickly stops her fingers, not even registering that she got you to finish that quickly.
“S-Sorry,” Jihyo quickly pulls her hands away, moving to grab your hips and softly hold you. That heavy guilt she feels is still there. “Didn’t mean to.”
“It’s…okay,” You whisper, shakily. “It’s okay. That was really…god…”
There it is again.
Jihyo’s head feels heavy.
Maybe you…didn’t think like she did. Maybe– maybe when you kissed her, you didn’t taste regret on the tip of your tongue. Maybe it was just Jihyo. Damnit. Was she messed up?
“I love you…” You whisper into her skin, panting as you nuzzle her.
Jihyo’s heart tugs. “I love you too, baby.”
Fuck.
-
“Jihyo? What’s wrong?”
The brunette softly snapped out of whatever…yeah, she was in, and looked up to her Mom softly. “Nothing, sorry. I’m just not hungry right now.”
Jihyo’s Mom crinkles her brows at her daughter, frowning softly. “Are you sure honey? You and the girls have been working non stop recently. Please, eat…”
“Mom, I-” Jihyo sighs, knowing her mother won't budge. Begrudgingly, she picks up her utensils and picks up bits of her mother’s home cooked dinner, eating softly. But even as Jihyo eats little by little at her meal, her mind is elsewhere. The elsewhere in question being you, naturally. It has only been a week since…
“I sure hope you aren’t avoiding your food intake again-”
“Mom-”
“I’m just saying!” Her mom defended. “We don’t want another repeat of everything that happened when you debuted. We were lucky enough to have that Y/n girl there to help you.”
Jihyo physically softens. Her mom was right, they were lucky to have you there.
-
"Why isn't Jihyo down here yet?"
Bent over the toilet lies the girl in question, one arm clutching her stomach for dear life as the other holds onto the base of the toilet like it's about to leave her at any second. A sick, nauseous feeling is swelled up in her gut, remnants of bile coating her mouth in a vividly disturbing taste. The smell was much worse, making Jihyo lightheaded everytime she sucked in a breath.
But what could she do?
She was permeating a sticky sweat on her skin from the force of her heaves— her body overheating under her overly large, baggy clothes. It was useless. Jihyo was useless. How could she be so stupid? Jeongyeon had begged the girl to go out to dinner with her, and stupidly she let her empathy take over. One binge later and now she regretted it.
As another wave of sickness hit her, her mouth opened; chapped lips parted for more fluid to leave her body and smack into the already growing slop in the toilet bowl. God, it was sickening. But she couldn't help it. She had to get it all out of her. Purge it.
Damnit, the girl cursed in her head, stupid.
Jihyo couldn't afford to be so reckless with how she ate. She'd finally slimmed down her thighs enough due to her hours spent in the gym, and now she was going to gain it all back. That wasn't what was supposed to be happening. Jihyo was supposed to be working on her face— getting rid of that persistent youthful fat, shaping and carving her features in all the right ways.
Maybe if she was lucky enough, she'd be able to sweet talk JYP into letting her get a surgery or two.
All to look prettier.
It was all to be prettier.
Everything she did, had a reason.
Carving lines into her thighs when she binged. Stuffing her fingers down her throat, slamming her fist into her stomach, swallowing tons of warmed salt water— all to purge the food within her. Her work was paying off.
One pound.
Two pounds.
Six pounds.
Ten.
She lost weight constantly, and was even steadily approaching the one hundred mark. And now she had fucked it all up again. Stupid girl. Insolent. Idiotic—
"Jihyo?" A voice called from the other side of the bathroom door, knocking gently. You.
“I-I’m getting dressed!”
“Oh!” Your voice was heard with the softest giggle afterward. “Sorry, well— can I come in?”
Jihyo flushes. You idiot. “Are you crazy?”
“Jihyo,” You chuckled from outside the door. “I’ve seen you change countless times, it’s okay.”
The bile began to rise quickly again, and Jihyo would fight it back with an audible gulp. “I-I…not now, baby…”
You’d gone silent on the other side, and then, without warning, opened the door. “Fuck,” Was all she heard, before the bile rose back up and fell into the toilet ahead of her. “Okay, okay…uh..”
You had shuffled all around the room, cleaning up the mess of Jihyo’s life.
Her eyes failed to watch you.
Shaky and disoriented.
Jihyo heard the door click and lock shut as you shuffled, coughing and gulping- most likely at the smile that permeated.
“I’m sorry…” She whimpered, slowly. “I’m so sorry…”
“Don’t apologize,” You’d reassure, flushing down the layer of vomit in the toilet in order to get fresh, clean water. It didn't take long for the girl to fill it up again as you cleaned.
Eventually, her heavy, tired body was lifted up and Jihyo leaned against the counter. She felt a stinging sensation as you handled the cuts on her body— pressing a cloth wet with something that held a strong smell. By the end of fifteen long minutes, Jihyo’s body was bundled up like a baby seal in its layer of white fur. She had bandages over each wound, a tylenol gently fed to her with a bit of water- and was being helped over to her bedroom.
She heard you shut her bedroom door, briefly. The familiar sound of the girls filling her ears and muddied voices.
“Don’t bother Jihyo for a bit.”
“Is she okay?”
“Just don’t, okay?”
Her head was swimming in soft nausea, but she heard the door open and shut again, and forced her eyes over. “…Y/n/n?”
“Yeah baby,” You whispered, walking over quickly and kneeling beside her. “Yeah. It’s me. Don’t worry, okay?”
Jihyo couldn’t help but sniffle. Your hand came to hold her cheek, and she whimpered out. “I’m sorry…” She whimpered. “I-I didn’t mean to…”
“Baby,” You whispered weakly, shaking your head. “It’s not your fault…it’s not your fault, okay? It’s not…it’s okay…”
But Jihyo didn’t think it was okay.
She couldn’t help it.
Her eyes filled with tears again and she whimpered, leaning forward and crying softly as you thought her into your neck.
-
Jihyo sighs and runs a hand through her hair. Yeah. She was lucky to have you alright. But indulging in this… this sick desire of hers…— was that…was that even okay?
“Hey, are you even paying attention?”
Her vision snapped back.
Oh, of course.
Her girlfriend was in front of her, hands working at her shirt. And she wasn’t in her Mom’s house anymore, she was at her apartment. Her back was pressed against the wall— and her mind was foggy with a soft amount of alcohol.
“Yeah, baby…” Jihyo husked, softly. “Sorry.”
She didn’t miss your soft frown. “Everything okay? We don’t uh…”
“No, no,” She shook her head, looping her arms around your waist and pulling you in. “Come on. I want to…”
You fumbled a bit, flushing. “O-Okay…”
Jihyo tasted like roses and warmth when she pulled you back in, lulled you back to the rhythm of her spell as your feet fumbled up the stairs - layers shedding with each step. Warm breaths and soft whispers of affection, until her back pressed to the bed and you sat a top her, watching with heavy eyes as her head fell back under the soft stroke of your fingers against her core. Her panties were dampened with arousal, her pretty neck on display as she whimpered and shifted under each rub.
She was gorgeous. Ethereal and beautiful and perfect, and-
Your fingers raise, softly tapping her lips. "..open."
And she does, with wide eyes. The digits slip over her tongue; making a weak moan escape. The sight is wholy erotic and you almost feel in over your head as she gets them nice and wet, pulling off with a soft pop and guiding your hand down as her free one loops your neck and brings you down lower.
"Kiss me, baby."
And for once? Jihyo forgets. She forgets the bad memories, and the voices of her mother and her own self doubt. Because there's only you. And your slicked fingers that brush past the barracade of her underwear, to her. And Jihyo's head is falling back, sweat beading at the top of her head. Your kiss is long sloppy, hot and wet against one another. Weak moans, breathless praises. And something more. Jihyo's words forgotten in the air.
"J-Just like that.."
You break the kiss to bite her jaw, finally marking her as yours. Kisses and nips and bites. Jihyo whines, pressing up into you as you explore her body, making warmth explode like crackling stars in your wake.
"M-Mmph..coming.." It's breathless and urgent. Soft slaps to your back as she tenses around your fingers. "Y/n..!"
And when it's over, Jihyo whimpers against you.
You slip wet kisses down her warm chest. "..More."
And she softens, sighing and cradling your head.
"...Okay." She breathes slowly. "Make love to me, Y/n."
-
"Who's Daniel?"
Your arms are crossed, but the weight behind your eyes reveals your nerves. Jihyo had been making dinner, her hands busied on the counter top. She froze at the name, turning and looking at you with widened eyes. "...I- I don't know..?"
"That a question or a statement?" You lean against the doorway, brows perfectly furrowed in on her. Jihyo's never appeared as frazzled as now, heat rising to her cheeks in a way that makes your stomach churn. The girl in front of you swallows thickly. "I've just... been hearing stuff-"
"You believe everything you hear?"
Her tone is quick and snippy, and you bristle. "What's with that answer?"
Jihyo scoffs. "Well why are you interrogating me-"
"I'm not interrogating you-" Your eyes widen in disbelief at her tone. She's gotten defensive but never like this. "Why are you so defensive? Who is he, Jihyo?"
Her cheeks blaze. "He's no one- he's- a friend. Okay?"
Jealously flares nastily in your gut. "A friend, huh? Because that's not what everyone else is saying. They're saying the two of you have been together for a while now." Jihyo quiets. "And when I asked the girls, no one could look at me. Why is that, Jihyo? Huh?"
For once, she looks away.
Your heart sinks. "Are you cheating on me?"
"N-No, I..." She shakes her head, guilt swimming with her upbringing. "You and I aren't even together, Y/n-"
"What?"
Jihyo freezes, making the mistake of looking to you. You're trembling in front of her, disbelief and hurt etched into your gaze. She's never seen you like this. Not during the last few years of hardships you'd gone through with Debut and the group. Jihyo sputters.
"We're-...messing around, Y/n N-not- I can't be with a girl. I..want a family-"
Despite trying to explain herself, the words feel like thick, heavy tar in her throat, and she can barely push them out. She quiets, watching as you nod tightly, reaching to rub your eyes.
"Y-yeah. Right. Not together."
"Y/n, I-"
"Save it." She flinches back, and you look to the ground, swallowing thickly. "...I'm staying over at Nayeon and Momo's tonight-"
"Y/n-"
But you've turned. You've left her. Jihyo's phone pings with a message from him, but she can't even bring herself to answer it. She...loving you was wrong, being with you was wrong, stringing you on like this was wrong but - ...why did you walking away feel worse?
-
But-
The lockdown provided the worse sense of solitude known to man.
And you had to return home. To Jihyo.
Walking inside felt stiff and void of air. The apartment you'd known only home in, only memories, only her. You'd expected it to be rid of your photos, of your touch. But you found it the same. The photos of you on the wall. Your touch still lingering in the living room as if you'd never left - the seats and chairs and everything that you'd picked out together.
Jihyo stops at the last step, finding you.
You'd seen each other, of course, due to TWICE. But even still you hadn't talked unless necessary, and despite her attempts, you'd stayed string.
But now?
You felt like a sailor returning to sea.
Jihyo was your sea. Every changing, ever beautiful, ever free. And you were merely tied to her waves, drifting across her like a warm touch. Her eyes brim with salty tears, and your arms part. She takes her spot instantly, folding into your touch with a slow sigh.
"I missed you.."
Your hand laid against the back of her head, holding her tighter.
You'd be drawn to her continuously. You knew that.
Jihyo pressed soft kisses to your neck, tugging you by your shirt in a soft, insistent manner to the stairs. And you'd follow.
She was your siren. Your song. Your call.
"Let's lay down..."
You nodded wordlessly, sighing into her hair.
When Jihyo's back pressed familiarly against her bed, she sighed and looped her arms around the familiar slope of your neck, breathing you in.
"My love..hold me, please."
And you'd nod.
As her hands laced intimately into your hair, with you hovering atop.
