Summary: (Y/N) finally breaks down after pushing her emotions away for so long, worrying the Pogues, specially a certain blonde boy, who comforts her lovingly under a sunset and feelings are shared.
Warnings: mentions of physical and mental abuse, mentions of anxiety, smoking
I was laying on my side on the hammock in John B's backyard, facing the water, the sun reflecting on the tiny waves working as a cure to my anxiety.
Another day, another useless fight with my mother, resulting in her reminding me how much of a disappointment and a failure I am and in me storming out, making sure to hit the front door hard, and taking refuge at the chateau. I've been bottling up all this bullshit for years, ever since my dad left us. I hated him for leaving me behind but at the same time I understood why he left: he was as mentally drained as I was because of my mom. I just wish that, at the time, I had enough courage to face the woman and beg my dad to take me with him.
The Pogues knew about it, and they knew I didn't live in a normal mother-daughter environment, but they didn't know about the fights, the psychological abuse, the panic attacks and how many times I thought about running away, leaving everything and everyone behind and starting a new life somewhere else. To be honest, my four best friends were the only thing keeping me from doing it. They meant too much to me for me to just leave them and I knew I wouldn't be able to keep myself together without them around. Despite all of this, I was still able to wear a smile everyday, crack up jokes and live as if everything was ok. I was good at lying and pretending, it was a coping mechanism I developed and it saved me many, many times. But, just like everything in this world, there's so much you can take and lately I've been finding it harder and harder to hide my anxiety and bad thoughts. I was afraid I was reaching my breaking point and the thought of any of my friends witnessing it terrified me more than actually breaking down, because that means I would have to explain to them what the hell was going on and I hated talking about my feelings. It was something I had in common with JJ and, call me a hypocrite, but I hated when he did it. To be fair, the difference was that he didn't talk about it even knowing damn well that everyone knew what happened in his house. In my case, what happened in my house was kept a secret, so, what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them.
But it was hurting me and JJ noticed. I could hear Kie's hushed voice telling JJ to just leave me alone for a while and that I would reach out to them when I felt like it. Honestly, she wasn't wrong.
"Dude, she didn't even say hi when she arrived, she went straight to the hammock. Just let her be, she'll talk to us when she's ready.", John B argued back, taking Kie's side.
"Yeah, I've never seen her like this, it's better if we take it easy.", Pope added.
JJ once again ignored Kie and gently laid next to me on the hammock.
But JJ was stubborn, another thing we had in common, and his footsteps on the grass made me wipe away a tear that ran past my nose.
"Dude!"
The thing about JJ and I is that we weren't sure what our relationship was. We were best friends, closer than the rest of the Pogues, but we both knew there was something more between us. A previous kegger led to spilling drunken words that were actually reminded the next morning. It wasn't awkward, it wasn't uncomfortable, but it sure wasn't like before. We weren't certain what it was, but we knew we loved each other unconditionally and we cared about each other deeply. Our lack of affection was a myth when the subject was us.
I heard the door to the chateau being closed behind me, so I assumed John B, Pope and Kiara had gone inside and I sighted in relief.
"(y/n)?", his voice was the most gentle I've ever heard and I almost didn't recognise it.
I couldn't find the strength to speak so I just hummed in response.
"What's wrong?"
And that simple question was all it took for my bottled emotions to spill. One tear was followed by another until the light breeze started to feel cold against my wet face. When it became harder to hold my crying, I had to cover my mouth with my hand to make the sobs as silent as possible, acting like JJ hadn't already noticed.
One of JJ's arms went under my neck, the other over my waist and my body was pulled closer against his, his chest pressed to my back and his head against my shaking shoulder.
I guess this would have to happen at some point and I was really glad it was with JJ. He understood that all I needed at that moment was somebody to hold me silently, but protectively, and not bombard me with questions.
My sobs eventually died down and my breathing began to stabilize after a few minutes of intense crying. The pain was still there but I felt so much lighter than before. During the turmoil that was my head I didn't even realize how tight JJ was holding me, or how he held my hand that was covering my mouth before, or how he kept kissing my shoulder.
"You wanna talk about it?", he asked, after making sure I was relaxed enough and that I wouldn't break down again.
"Not yet."
He removed the joint from his mouth and held it above mine, inviting me to share it. It's not like I never smoked before, some of my best nights were actually spent with JJ, on that same hammock, contemplating the moon, telling stories, laughing and sharing a joint. I guess I just smoked for different purposes than JJ and in that moment I wasn't really feeling it.
We stayed in silence for a while, his embrace as tight as before and my body more relaxed than ever from being in his arms. JJ interrupted the caressing of his fingertips on my arm to reach behind him. I adjusted myself when he brought the arm that was under my neck closer to him and that's when I saw the joint in between his lips being lighted up. I smiled weakly in amusement at my best friend. Everything and anything was a reason to smoke.
"Really?", my voice was laced with humor as I watched the smoke escape from his parted lips, my eyes lasting longer than needed on them.
"What? It's not just for me."
"Come on, smoke the pain away baby." he said, staring deeply into my eyes, as in asking me to trust him.
"It doesn't work like that."
"To me it does.", he smiled.
I shook my head, holding back a laugh and let him position the joint between my lips, his fingers softly resting above them. Something about that gesture made my insides turn in excitement.
I blew out the smoke, admiring how it danced with the breeze until it disappeared and, closing my eyes, I allowed my body to fully give in to the effects of the weed.
JJ and I kept on passing the joint to each other, his body still pressed against mine and his hand was back to holding mine. When his lips weren't blowing out smoke, they were in switching places between my shoulder, my forehead and even my cheek, making it harder and harder to control the tingles running through my body and I was glad the daylight was dimming down to cover my red cheeks.
In less than an hour I went from crying my mind out to laughing like a lunatic. JJ was right about smoking the pain away. Even if after a night of sleep I would feel anxious all over again, I didn't care, I had my best friend right next to me and I knew I could count on him, to either hold me and console me or distract me and get me high.
Our laughing died down a bit and, after taking a drag and releasing the smoke one more time, I finally opened up. I told him everything that had been going on, how I couldn't stand living under the same roof as the woman who gave birth to me and I just wanted to make everything stop, one way or another. It felt good to finally let my thoughts out and stop pretending about my life, and I honestly felt kinda bad for being afraid of sharing that side of me, especially with JJ. It's not like he, out of all people, would judge me or push me away because of my home situation, and deep down I knew the other Pogues would never do that either, but anxiety has a way to trick you sometimes and make you believe in fake bad scenarios.
"I'm so sorry (y/n). You don't deserve that."
"Yeah, well, not everybody gets what they really deserve, do they?"
"I just wish you told me sooner, I can't believe you've been dealing with all of this by yourself for so long."
I didn't respond, I just turned on my side to face him and gave him a weak smile, letting my arm rest over his neck to play with his hair.
"What do you say about running away together?", I asked that in a joking tone but in the back of my head I didn't discard that possibility completely. I knew he thought about it sometimes too so it wasn't such a crazy idea, right?
"It's a deal. We get that gold and we're out of here.", his answer held the same joking tone but, the way he was looking at me, made me believe that he was also considering it.
We held each other's gaze for what felt like hours until the light on the porch of the chateau took us out of our trance.
"You guys hungry?", John B's voice echoed from the porch.
"Yup! We'll be right in.", JJ answered with his head turned in JB's direction, who went back inside.
"Ready to go inside?", the blonde asked me, his grip on me stating the opposite of his question.
"Yeah, I guess."
Another round of silence settled around us, my eyes not bothering to look away from his. I moved my hand from his hair to his jaw and, as if guessing what was on my mind, JJ pulled me impossibly closer to his chest, his hands running along my back in the most gentle way. Now that I had opened up to him, I felt like I could tell him anything and just be a hundred percent transparent around him, so, with a final deep breath, I decided to just lay it all out there.
"Can I kiss you?"
He smiled so widely that it almost made me laugh at how adorable and innocent he looked.
"You don't even have to ask."
And so I did it. I kissed him, showing him everything that was on my mind, not only my feelings for him but also how much I trusted him and how I was no longer afraid of opening up, at least to him. That's how safe he made me feel, he made me feel brave enough to fight my bad thoughts. All of that gave me strength to confront my mom. I had no idea what would happen from then on, but JJ showed me it was worth trying and that it was ok to cry once in a while and that I didn't have to deal with all of it on my own, an advise we gave to each other but never put in action when it came to our own situation. I guess we would have to learn that together.
__________
Sorry for the sh*tty ending, ran out of motivation 😅 Hope you stick around to read more!
Summary- JJ's dad tells him he's no good for you and he believes him. He ends things with you but realizes his mistake very quickly.
---
You bit the end of your pencil, squinting your eyes, deep in thought. “Prophase?”
“Anaphase Y/N.” Pope let out a disappointed sigh.
“Shoot.” You ran your hands down your face in frustration.
“C’mon, Y/N. Even I’ve got it memorized by now.” John B teased, tossing a baseball over his head.
You rolled your eyes, climbing to your feet. You sauntered into the kitchen to grab a glass of water when the familiar engine ripped down the road.
“Finally.” You sighed, smiling as the beautiful blonde approached the door.
JJ entered, huffing as he did so. He said nothing, stalking across the kitchen, grabbing a beer, and heading back outside.
“Nice to see you too, buddy.” John B called as JJ disappeared back outside.
Your eyes flicked between Pope and John B, raising your eyebrow to question JJ’s behavior.
“I’m on it.” You declared, pulling your shoulders back in determination.
Your eyes ran across the yard before landing on the blonde, hunched over next to the fire pit.
“Hi babe.” You chirped, wrapping your arms around him from behind.
He grunted in response.
“Jesus Christ, Jack Daniels.” You could smell the alcohol on him, this clearly was not his first beer. “Pope and I are just about done studying if you want to come in and tell us what’s on your mind.” You hummed, resting your cheek against his.
JJ crushed the beer can in his hand, tearing himself out of your arms.
You stepped back in shock. “Jeez, JJ. What’s wrong?” You muttered.
“Why don’t you just go back to your studying, yeah?” He spit, looking you up and down.
“What’s your deal? Because I know you’re not mad I’m studying.” You accused.
“You know, you really are the pogue princess.” He spit with hostility, throwing the beer can into the fire pit. “You’re little miss perfect, do no wrong, too good for everyone, Y/N Y/L/N.” He shook his hands in emphasis.
“What is this about?” You narrowed your eyes, crossing your arms.
“You’re so naïve. Why are you pretending this is a thing?” He turned away from you, heading towards the dock.
“Why am I pretending what’s a thing? JJ, stop!” You trailed after him.
“Us!” He turned, waving his hand between the two of you. “Why are we pretending this is anything? Huh?” He stalked towards you, his eyes darkening. “Am I just a fun little project for you? A cute little broken toy you get to fix to keep yourself busy?”
“JJ, what are you talking about? Stop it.” You frowned, tears burning at your eyes.
“Just fucking go already!” He yelled, towering over you.
Your bottom lip trembled as you looked up at him. His breathing was heavy but he refused to meet your eyes.
“Fine.” You whispered.
You turned your back on him, heading back into the house as the tears began to pour down your face.
“Pope, can you give me a ride home?” You choked, entering the chateau.
“Woah, Y/N, what’s wrong?” Pope mumbled, his jaw dropping at your tear-stricken face.
“What the fuck?” John B sat up quickly as you sniffled, aimlessly shoving your papers into your bag. “What did he say?”
“Please, Pope?” You begged, meeting his eyes.
“Dammit, JJ.” John B muttered, brushing past you to the front door.
Pope helped you with your bag as John B and JJ yelled at each other in the distance. As you turned for Pope’s truck, you met JJ’s eyes, wet and red. You tore your gaze away, climbing into the truck.
Pope respected your wishes and didn’t pry, only apologizing on JJ’s behalf when he dropped you off.
John B texted an apology, suggesting JJ was too stupid for his own good.
Kiara texted wtf did i miss????
You decided to meet Kie at The Wreck while she finished her shift. Girl talk would let you get everything off your chest and Kie was pretty good at keeping you distracted.
You washed your face, a poor effort at riding yourself of any evidence of the tears you had shed, and pulled on a sweater, heading out to The Wreck.
--
“So he just, dumped you?” Kie probed
“I guess.” You shrugged, wiping your nose with your sweater. “Can we get out of here now?” You looked around the empty restaurant.
“Yeah, let me tell my dad. I’ll meet you out back.” She gestured to the beach out back, vanishing into the kitchen.
You tugged your sweater closer, leaning across the railing as you watched the waves roll in.
--
You gently closed your eyes, not needing to turn around to realize who had just sniffed behind you.
“Why do you listen to him?” You whispered, referring to JJ’s father. You turned, meeting his eyes.
His jaw tensed as he tore his eyes away from you, running his hand through his disheveled hair.
“He’s right, you know? I’m no good for you.”
“JJ..” You sighed.
“I’ve been in jail more times than you’ve been late to class, Y/N.” He furrowed his brow. “You’re going to realize trying to fix me is a waste of time and I don’t want to hold you back.” He grimaced as if the worst hurt him to say out loud.
You stepped towards him, taking his face in your hands. “JJ, you’re not a waste of time. I’m not trying to fix you because you’re not broken.” Your eyes welled with tears as he struggled to keep his hidden.
He sniffed, tearing his head from your hands.
You pulled him back, forcing his eyes to meet yours. “I don’t care if you’re a wanted felon, okay? I don’t care what your dad says. I don’t care about any of it. You’re JJ. You’re my JJ. That’s the only thing that matters and it breaks my heart that you don’t believe me. That you’d listen to what your father says over what I say.” You pleaded, rubbing his cheek with your thumb.
He bit the inside of his cheek to fight back another set of tears before he pulled you into his chest, wrapping his arms over your shoulders. “I don’t deserve you, Y/N.” He whispered into your hair.
“Let me love you, JJ. You deserve to be loved.” You looked up at him as he kept his gaze focused on the beach.
“I’m so sorry I let you walk away.” He pulled your head back, bringing his gaze down to you. “I won’t let it happen again, okay? I fuckin’ love you, Y/N.” He choked, searching your face for any hesitations.
“I love you, JJ.” You whispered, pawing at the front of his shirt as he dipped his head down, pressing a needing kiss to your lips.
He laced his fingers through your hair, embracing his lips against yours with urgency as if you would disappear if he let you go.
“Ahem.”
You both pulled away, flushed and embarrassed as Kie leaned against the door with her eyebrows raised.
Summary: (Y/N)’s twin sister has no chill when it comes to flirting with her man and (Y/N) tries to hide her jealously because... nobody knows JJ’s her man
Warnings: swearing, mentions of sexual activities
I reminded myself everyday about the fact that JJ and I were breaking possibly the first rule imposed amongst us Pogues: no Pogue-on-Pogue macking. John B, Pope and Kiara were totally oblivious to our forbidden macking that has been going on for almost two months now. I couldn’t exactly say that we were dating, mostly because we never discussed the status of whatever we had. I just knew that after a drunken kiss at a kegger we couldn’t get enough of each other and had been secretly hooking up. Another thing that reminded me about that useless rule was my twin sister, Avery. Twin, but the complete opposite of my being. Even though she didn’t really hang out with us, she knew about our rules and she was also in the dark about what was going on between me and the blonde Pogue, that’s why my eyes were burning holes in her skull as I watch her flirt with JJ, who, bless his soul, looked confused and lost, not knowing what to do or say, and I couldn’t do anything about it because I should have no reason to be jealous. Apparently. Because nobody knew we were sort of a thing and it would be weird and suspicious to be jealous, even though I was aware that I wasn’t hiding it very well. One of the many disadvantages of macking in secret was that I still had to watch JJ flirt with other people, if that didn’t happen then it would be clear that something was wrong. JJ Maybank not flirting with a pretty girl at a party? Unusual, not to say out of this world, so I just had to deal with it and pretend it didn’t bother me. One thing that put my mind at ease though was knowing that he didn’t hook up with anyone else, something I worried about at first because I knew he wasn’t fond of commitment, but I wasn’t blind to the way he looked at me, differently from his random hook ups, from any goddess look alike touron he used to drool over. He showed me plenty of times that I wasn’t just another hook up or a fuck buddy. There were feelings there, we just didn’t really know what to do with them or how to talk about them, so, we just macked on each other.
We were all hanging out at The Wreck as we waited for Kie’s shift to end so we could all go to the beach. Avery decided to join us, saying she would meet up with some of her friends at the beach too and would hang with us while she waited for them to arrive. I regretted letting her come along because now I had to witness my dear sister shamelessly flirt with JJ, caressing him in ways that were making me gag and talking about shit nobody cared about, John B’s eye rolls and Pope’s pressed lips making that very clear. I was too busy murdering my twn with my eyes to notice my blonde best friend stealing glances at me for help. He was almost as uncomfortable as Pope, that meant he was really, really desperate. That wouldn’t be the case if we weren’t “together”. He would flirt back, for sure, not giving a shit about her being his best friend’s twin sister. But watching the scene in front of me, somehow that comforted me, meaning he respected me enough considering we weren’t officially together and never established a commitment. But yeah, Avery was still getting on my nerves, for “no reason”.
“Alright guys, I’m done, we can go.”
Kie’s voice snapped me out of my mental assassination and I heard John B and Pope sight n relief, knowing they could finally get away from the annoying brunette version of myself. JJ was the first one to stand up, saying he had to use the restroom before we could go, but we all knew it was just to take a break from Avery. Don’t get me wrong, I love my sister, but she can be a handful sometimes. She had an attitude that got on people’s nerves a lot of times and it was hard for her to understand and respect limits, no matter how many times I called her out, she thought she was right and that it was other people’s fault. I hated that about her. She was also the kind of person that would hit on guys knowing they were taken, so, imagine if she knew JJ and I had a thing… yeah, she wouldn’t care and yes, she would do that to me. Avery was the pettiest of petty and could be a total bitch, sometimes I couldn’t believe we shared our mom’s womb.
We all decided to step outside and wait for JJ near the van. Pope caught up with me on out way there and whispered.
“I know she’s your sister and we’re supposed to like her, but please, don’t bring her with you ever again.”
“Yeah, I mean, JJ not flirting back? And actually trying ro run away? That means she’s really not it. Sorry (Y/N).”
“I know, Pope, I know. And I didn’t want to bring her, you know how she is, she invites herself and can’t accept when people say no.”
John B caught a bit of our conversation and joined us.
“No need to apologize, I live with her, I know how it is.”
“Can I ride shotgun?”, my sister’s voice interrupted our hushed conversation. Nobody even bothered answering because she was already climbing inside.
“Lord give me patience.”, Kie sighted, opening the sliding door so we could all climb inside too. I decided to stay outside and wait for JJ, who didn’t take much longer to meet us in the van.
“You alright?”, I asked him.
“Yep.”
I noticed he was acting quieter than usual but I just let it go, understanding that he, just like all of us, just wanted to get rid of Avery’s company. I would definitely ask him about it later though because I was sure there was more to it.
Arriving at the beach, it was almost hilarious to see which one of us could leave the van faster and run away from Avery’s stupid rants. I was sure John B wanted to jump out of the moving van, not even caring if he was the one driving, just so my sister would shut up. She was driving everyone crazy, I was sure even Pope would consider stealing a joint from JJ.
Kie and I were chilling on our surfboards after catching some waves, the boys decided to ditch the ocean after a while to go play some weird game. I could spot Avery and her obnoxious friends not too far from where the boys were and I was about to comment with Kie how I hoped she wouldn’t have the horrendous idea of joining us with her little group, but as if our twin telepathy (if that was actually a thing a shared with her) had kicked in, I saw her getting up from her spot and make her way to where the three guys played with each other.
“I’m going to meet with my friends.”, Avery said after everyone was out of the van and then turned to John B, “Thanks for the lift. handsome.”
If I wasn’t so annoyed with my sister right now, I would’ve laughed at the boy’s face, who turned his attention to his surfboard on the vehicle’s roof to avoid hearing more from her. She winked at JJ on her way and I had to breathe deeply to control myself from going at her. I was reaching my limit of having her throwing herself at my friends, especially JJ, who discretely held my hand and squeezed it gently, as if telling me to shrug it off, convincing me with a smile and his usual flirty wink.
“Is this our cue to go?”, Kie asked, apparently noticing Avery’s plan too.
“Oh yeah, it is.”
Avery wasted no time in starting conversation with JJ, who was now clearly annoyed and honestly, I had no idea how she couldn’t see the negative effect she was having on him. How blind do you have to be to not see when someone doesn’t want you around? Did we really have to actually say it?
“Avery, why aren’t you with your friends?”, I asked, as I put down my surfboard, a tad aggressively.
“Just wanted to know if the boys were interested in joining us.”, she smiled that I want it, I got it smile of hers that, unluckily for her, didn’t work with the Pogues.
“We’re good Avery, thank you.”, Kie answered, stepping closer to me in case I lost my shit, which was noticeable it wouldn’t take much longer for that to happen.
“It was actually just the boys. Or,”, she pointed at JJ, “you know.”, and smirked.
“Look, Avery,”, JJ started, “I appreciate the interest but I have a girlfriend.”
To say everyone was shocked, me included, was putting it lightly. Pope and Kie’s mouths were wide opened and John B looked confused, still processing what he just heard. I, on the other hand, smiled victoriously. I knew JJ probably wouldn’t say I was the girlfriend and I knew Avery wouldn’t really care about the existence of a girlfriend, but her momentaneously disappointed look made it worth it. She regained her confident composure and ran a hand through her hair, seductively.
“Oh but I’m sure she wouldn’t mind if you hang out with me for a bit.”
“Oh no, she would mind, and I really don’t like seeing her upset, I love her too much for that so if you could, you know, keep your distance, that would be nice.”
I had to contain my laugh with a hand over my mouth. Nobody was expecting that coming from JJ. I was finding it amusing until I replayed what he just said. I love her too much for that.
And with that, JJ’s hands grabbed my face and, next thing I knew, he was kissing me, right there, in front of my bitchy twin and our friends, who I swear I heard a gasp coming out of their mouths.
“Hold on-”, Kie started but was immediately cutted off by John B.
“Shh, let it happen.”
I couldn’t help but smile through the kiss, happy that we didn’t have to hide it anymore, not even caring if we would be lectured by the Pogues later for breaking a rule. And also, and mainly, because he said he loved me.
“Bye bitch.”, I assumed Avery went back to her friends by the way Kie spoke.
“Ok, guys, you can stop now, I’m getting just as uncomfortable as when Avery’s around.”, Pope commented.
We pulled away, smiling at each other like two idiots.
“You love me, huh? Did I break the unbreakable JJ Maybank?”, my voice was low so the others wouldn’t hear. They actually walked away a bit, as if giving us some space to talk, but I knew they were dying to know what the hell was going on.
“Yeah, you’re just that good.”, he winked.
“Well, it’s a good thing I love you too.”
I could tell he was trying not to smile so widely but he wasn’t able to control it, which made me chuckle at how cute he looked. He pulled against him with his arms tightly around my waist, bringing his lips back to mine. A possible makeout session didn’t take off thanks to John B, who finally had enough.
“Ok, I’m happy for you two and all that shit, but we need answers.”
“Yeah guys, what the hell?”, Kie added.
I shrugged my shoulders and answered serenely.
“It… just happened.”
“How long has this been going on?”
“Two months, Pope, two wonderful months.”, JJ answered while throwing an arm over my shoulders.
“Did you fuck on the van? Please tell me you didn’t fuck on the van.”
“We didn’t fuck on the van, JB.”
“They totally fucked on the van.”, Pope whispered.
“Yeah we did.”
“JJ!”
“What? It’s true!”, he pointed to John B, “It’s not like you and Sarah never did it there either.”
“Ok, that’s it, I’m walking home.”, Kie threw her hands in the air.
The rest of the day was amazing. I always wondered what it would be like to be a real relationship with JJ and now I could say it was the most heartwarming thing I’ve ever experienced. Yes, he had his moments where he was kind of hard to deal with, but overall, he was a really loving person and I loved every second I spent with him, and now I was over the moon to finally be able to have that whenever I wanted, no longer worrying about keeping everything a secret. I could love my boy all I wanted with no fear, even with the constant teasing and jokes coming from the Pogues, honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
