#jkg vent

[oxygenchokehold]

My soul is not okay.

[oxygenchokehold]

Adventure @chainsmoking-vegan

[emancipationmasturbation]

All I want in my life is peace. I just want some calm and stillness in this horrifically rapid paced society.

People say that the prime in life is their 20’s. They talk about the parties they attended, the people they gave and accepted fake love from, the drugs they did, the chaos of trying to pass their classes with the least application possible.

But I don’t agree. I believe the peak of life is coming home, putting pajamas as fuzzy socks on, sipping a cup of sleepy time tea, maybe throwing your favorite T.V. Show on, and being able to share this peace with the people, or person you love. It’s sharing the small things in life that are overseen and forgotten about with someone. Things like getting out of the shower and crawling into bed without saying a word and just existing in their presence.

It’s going to the grocery store and noticing a typo on a brand and pointing it out to them. It’s sharing the random thoughts that pop in your head with someone. It’s asking someone to get food with you because the trip, and food, will be so much better with the mere accompaniment of that person- your favorite person- the person you chose to share your everyday life with. It’s the comfort of just simply co-existing with someone. Love isn’t about the burning fire and hunger for someone. Its not about the desire to drop everything to be with someone, it’s not about the lust for them or how heated and sexy the sex can be. Its not about the first spark or feeling you had when they first came into your life, because that fades, and it becomes something so much deeper. It’s about bumping heads in bed and laughing about it. Or trying to be kinky and different but not being able to take it seriously and simply falling back into your routine with them because what matters is that it’s them. Love isn’t suppose to be a huge fire that burns uncontrollably, but rather, it’s suppose to be a simmer. Keeping everything in check, everything warm, and everything just perfectly safe to sit and exist forever.

Life isn’t about the parties, the substances, the fake affection, the desires of the flesh. It’s not about living life as fast as you can, as busy as you can.

It’s about stalling to smell the roses. It’s about those moments of stillness in which you embrace what, and who is around you.

The peak of life, is peace.

It’s an unfortunate lesson, but one everyone learns with time. It’s one I wish I had learned earlier. And it’s one I hope people learn for themselves. Because once you realize what truly matters in life, and what genuinely has value, that’s when one can truly live happily.

[oxygenchokehold]

I’m so confused. How could God give me so much love for a person for him to not love me back. How could he have fallen out of love with me? How could the universe take the only thing I valued on this earth away from me?

My heart is shredded into pieces. I wish I never loved. I wish I never met him. I rather not know love, than have known it, for it to fill my heart with this hope and then leave me empty. My heart hurts. My soul hurts. My chest feels like a vortex and it’s sucking everything inside of it.

I love him so much. I hate waking up in the morning. I hate that my person, my other half, is gone.

I pray that he comes back to me because I don’t want to be without him. I want to spend my life with him. I want to share everyday and everything with him. I love him more than I knew I was capable of feeling. Please please please come back to me.

[oxygenchokehold]

You know that feeling when someone touches/holds your face?

That “ahh I fit right here, perfectly” thought that runs through you’re head and just how pure that type of contact that is?

Yea, I love that feeling.

[emancipationmasturbation]

Nothing will ever be better than going to bed and thinking to yourself,

"I am so in love."

[oxygenchokehold]

Warning: personal post ignore me I just need to organize my chaos of a brain by typing out into the vast hole of the internet and maybe it will help but I just need an unresponsive outlet. A place to put my word vomit into sentences.

I'm in a weird place right now. Worse than I've been in in a while. I don't know why, I don't know what caused it. But recently I feel hopeless. So hopeless. So defeated. So empty. I'm happy when I do things with my friends, and don't get me wrong I do enjoy it. But any moment I mm not laughing at some temporary bad joke, my brain returns to the thought of wow that was a nice little distraction but the reality is you can't escape this. This is your life. Being shit on by the people around me. Feeling like a burden. Even those who love me I fear will leave. I am such a toxic energy. I carry so much pain and hurt and hate and sorrow and I drag people down. I am in so much unbelievable pain right now. Ir affects my life on a day to day basis. I panic when my alarm goes off, i shake, i get nauseous because I know I have to act okay all day. And when I try to voice how in pain I am people tell me to get over it as if it's a cold. I dread going out. I don't go to sleep at normal times because I know I have to wake up the next day and do it all over and that hurts me. It hurts my heart. It races and I panic and I have to cry and I feel sick. But I don't have a choice. I have to try to live life and it's the hardest things I've ever had to do. Not even my parents support me. If anything they just add on to it. All I want is support and for people to truly understand how much I'm struggling yet I'm too scared to show it because as soon as anyone sees how damaged and awful this energy I radiate off of me is, they'll walk away. So I choke on my feelings. I shove the thoughts down all day. But at the end of the night, they return. I can't push them down. Thet doesn't get rid of them. They will always be there. They will always be a part of me. A part that I hate and that I am ashamed of. But it will never leave. My friends want me when I'm laughing at their jokes. They want the front of a me that I put up. My boyfriends or christs sake expected a fun loving individual who loved theatre and my camp kids. Not this fragment of a person I am.

Long story short, I'm in pain. A lot of it. My heart physically hurts. My brain won't stop harassing me. Depression won't leave me alone. I'm trapped inside a black box chained to the floor and the chains just keep getting tighter and tighter and I can't escape. But the black box is also me. I'll never escape the box. I hate myself. And my feelings. And waking up.

I'm in an abuse relationship with myself.

[oxygenchokehold]

You know your in love when every love song reminds you of them.