Warning: personal post ignore me I just need to organize my chaos of a brain by typing out into the vast hole of the internet and maybe it will help but I just need an unresponsive outlet. A place to put my word vomit into sentences.
I'm in a weird place right now. Worse than I've been in in a while. I don't know why, I don't know what caused it. But recently I feel hopeless. So hopeless. So defeated. So empty. I'm happy when I do things with my friends, and don't get me wrong I do enjoy it. But any moment I mm not laughing at some temporary bad joke, my brain returns to the thought of wow that was a nice little distraction but the reality is you can't escape this. This is your life. Being shit on by the people around me. Feeling like a burden. Even those who love me I fear will leave. I am such a toxic energy. I carry so much pain and hurt and hate and sorrow and I drag people down. I am in so much unbelievable pain right now. Ir affects my life on a day to day basis. I panic when my alarm goes off, i shake, i get nauseous because I know I have to act okay all day. And when I try to voice how in pain I am people tell me to get over it as if it's a cold. I dread going out. I don't go to sleep at normal times because I know I have to wake up the next day and do it all over and that hurts me. It hurts my heart. It races and I panic and I have to cry and I feel sick. But I don't have a choice. I have to try to live life and it's the hardest things I've ever had to do. Not even my parents support me. If anything they just add on to it. All I want is support and for people to truly understand how much I'm struggling yet I'm too scared to show it because as soon as anyone sees how damaged and awful this energy I radiate off of me is, they'll walk away. So I choke on my feelings. I shove the thoughts down all day. But at the end of the night, they return. I can't push them down. Thet doesn't get rid of them. They will always be there. They will always be a part of me. A part that I hate and that I am ashamed of. But it will never leave. My friends want me when I'm laughing at their jokes. They want the front of a me that I put up. My boyfriends or christs sake expected a fun loving individual who loved theatre and my camp kids. Not this fragment of a person I am.
Long story short, I'm in pain. A lot of it. My heart physically hurts. My brain won't stop harassing me. Depression won't leave me alone. I'm trapped inside a black box chained to the floor and the chains just keep getting tighter and tighter and I can't escape. But the black box is also me. I'll never escape the box. I hate myself. And my feelings. And waking up.
I'm in an abuse relationship with myself.
