It feels very odd to uncover more and more memories and realise more and more that I was an abuser. I mean. I knew that. Us having a toxic dynamic is very obvious and kind of the point, we're meant to be "comically shitty" people in a comedy podcast, so it's not like I ever thought of our relationship as healthy. But since kinfirming I've had these vague feelings and pieces of memories that are just. So bad! So much worse! Not exaggerated or cartoonishly mean and petty like the media I'm used to engaging with its just real. It's so bad when it's serious. It's so bad when I remember being so manipulative and subtly cruel and selfish and uncaring and well. Uncomfortably self aware of the fact I was an abuser?? I just didn't care. It's weird to think that in another life I'm that kind of person. I've always seen a lot of my worst qualities in that "character", since way before even considering that I might kin him. So it's kind of really unsettling to look at all those awful things that feel so familiar, maybe if my circumstances had been more dire this time around and I'd had access to less support and healthy outlets I would've ended up like that all over again. And that thought kind of fucks with me. I ultimately never change much, but these two versions of me are the most similar. It's an uncomfortable truth, but I guess it's good to remind yourself that everyone has the potential to be awful and there's no such thing as inherently good or bad people. I worked hard this time and I'm okay I think, so I guess there's no point in dwelling on it.
I'm not going to beat myself up about what I did in a life that's not currently mine, but it's still just. Something I've been stuck thinking about. I guess. I've never seen someone else kin from that source so I probably don't have to worry about it, but I do sometimes wonder if I'd have the balls to talk to my sisters in this life. What would I even do. Apologise? Sorry for being the worst thing that could've ever happened to you I was going through a really rough time and was so angry that instead of "lashing out" once I sunk my teeth into your neck for a slither of control and never let go? That was my bad??? Yeah right. Whatever. I hope they're doing well.
- J #🕊️⚜️🏹
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